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I hate the way my sister treats my parents

(24 Posts)
Eolhc1990 Fri 15-May-20 13:23:38

I am moving this to relationships on a posters advice I don't think there is really any advice I can be given here but I do need a rant.
My older sister is 27 we get on pretty well but I'm really starting to resent how she treats my parents.
She is a really clever girl, did well in school and although it almost bankrupted my parents she went on to get her masters at Uni funded entirely by them. However since leaving university she has never worked or made any real attempt to gain employment. When pushed on this she blames her mental health and feels she is too educated to do "menial" jobs like the rest of our family (we all work in a local shops and factories but at least we pay our way).
Since leaving uni she has lived back with my mum. and dad in their small council house along with my 2 younger siblings (my 2 younger siblings work and pay rent to my parents, she does not pay anything)
My sister always had trouble maintaining relationships with friends and never really had a boyfriend until she met a guy 2 years ago. He is a complete disaster, doesn't work, also has depression, and smokes weed every day. Before lockdown he has also moved in with my parents.
My sister now has a 3 week old baby boy (a pregnancy I think she planned to get people off her back about gaining employment).
My parents and I have bought everything for this baby and absolutely adore him, but my sister and her boyfriend are doing the bare minimum in regards to their son. My mum gets up with the baby most nights and my sister's boyfriend smokes weed all day and seems out of it so can't be trusted yet my sister posts all these updates on social media as if they are the perfect family.
Yet they don't even cook or clean up after themselves which leads to resentment and arguments within the wider family.
This is not necessarily "my problem" but my parents and siblings are constantly complaining about her to me, and I feel like my mum is trapped because every time she tries to broach the subject of my sister getting a job/flat etc. my sister bursts into tears and the subject is dropped.
I feel bad for my parents they both worked hard all their lives and should be starting to look forward to retirement but I fear they are never going to get rid of my sister or her waster partner. I help out with money as much as i can but i feel like we are all just enabling her. Obviously noone wants to say anything to her at the moment with her being a new mum and so vulnerable.
Has anyone had any experience with this

OP’s posts: |
Menora Fri 15-May-20 13:28:12

This is down to your parents not you. Your parents are putting up with this and allowing it to happen!
Of course they are enabling her and now they are looking to you to help them. You need to let them sort out their own mess. It’s not your job.

Eolhc1990 Fri 15-May-20 13:34:21

I know this is true @Menora but honestly I think they are intimidated a bit by her. My mother and father are relatively uneducated (but really hard working) and my sister often says things which makes them feel inferior to her. Like she will make them feel that they are being unreasonable to ask her to do something because she is some kind of genius or something (except what kind of genius lives with her parents at 27!)

OP’s posts: |
longtimecomin Fri 15-May-20 13:36:04

Your parents have made a rod for their own backs. They should give a timeline, ie you need to build a life of your own now, you have 3 months to move out.

Menora Fri 15-May-20 13:38:41

Who is the parent here? Its not you?
Honestly OP sorting out your parents mess will just lead to even more resentment
Ask them not to tell you about it anymore
Also remove her or unfollow from SM and take a step back
While you are there parenting all 7 of them they have no need to sort their lives out

Menora Fri 15-May-20 13:39:30

You need to actually stop feeling sorry for your parents. This is of their own doing no one had a gun to their heads

BrotherForBear Fri 15-May-20 13:54:53

I actually feel sorry for you here. This is such a hard situation, I too would be raging if anyone treated my mum and dad like that.
I don't really have any advice but my thoughts are with you having such a selfish family member.

Wimpeyspread Fri 15-May-20 14:16:19

I had a period many years ago when my sister would complain about our father to me, and he would complain about her to me - she had many issues with him. Being in the middle was making me really upset, and eventually I told them both I was not doing it any more, and didn’t want to know - issues remained but they were no longer channelled through me. Disengage, they are all competent adults

Time40 Fri 15-May-20 14:18:20

I think you ought to tell your parents, and your sister, that her behaviour is cruel and selfish, and that you are so disgusted with her that you are not going to speak to her again until she learns to stand on her own two feet - and then I'd stick to that, and refuse to have anything to do with her. It might just help, because what your sister has done here is create an abnormal, abusive situation, but because everyone goes along with it it - sort of - starts to appear normal. If one person - you - steps outside that, that will always be a reminder to her and to your parents that this situation is very wrong. Maybe, just maybe, that would help to change things.

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 15-May-20 14:24:00

Well your mum needs to stop getting up to the baby most nights, for a start.

Why would she do this? It's not her baby. Unless your sister is so desperately neglectful that she'd let her son cry all night (you've not led us to believe your sister is wilfully neglecting her baby) does your mother have a desire to still 'be Mum'?

Eolhc1990 Fri 15-May-20 14:30:14

@Zaphodsotherhead mostly my sister will ask my mother to take the baby into her room a few nights a week so that she can get some sleep my mother should say no. Apparently she does allow him cry a lot without tending to him so my mother said it's easier for everyone in the house if she takes him. Maybe my mum just likes being mum but I'm not sure

OP’s posts: |
DelphiniumBlue Fri 15-May-20 14:36:07

Well, I expect your Mum can't bear to listen to a crying baby and not do anything.She's probably very worried about the baby, and your sister.
Is the boyfriend smoking weed in the house? Or even on the premises? That's not OK, and it sounds like you and your younger siblings are funding his habit indirectly.
But it's your parent's choice, just let them know you will back them up if there's a problem.

searchaway Fri 15-May-20 15:32:26

They’re co-dependent. Google it. The sooner you educate yourself on their dynamic the better. I went through this a decade ago with my sister. Same thing. Baby, sister back living with them. Mum doing everything. Waste of a bloke. She got pregnant again so don’t be surprised if number 2 turns up this time next year. She doesn’t want to work and having babies keeps a roof over her head (your mum will never kick a baby out and she knows that). She’s got your parents by the short and curly. They are now too deep down the rabbit hole. Stop bothering. Stop listening. You need to build your own life away from them and their issues. I had to have therapy to deal with this so I’ve gone through what your dealing with. The only person who can change things is your mother and she won’t do it because she now has a purpose which is the baby and she needs to be needed right? Your sister being incapable gives her something to do. The nest isn’t empty. Did your parents blow smoke up her arse throughout her childhood? She’s special, really clever, better than all the other kids in her class? They’ve created this monster. Step back. When your mum rings to complain you say “I’m sorry to hear that. The only person who can change things is you. Anyway, I had some good news today...” keep bringing the conversation back to you and your life. You deserve a relationship with your parents that is more than your sister and her fuck ups

Eolhc1990 Fri 15-May-20 15:45:23

Thank you @searchaway your post really helped because it's nice to know someone else has been through something similar.
You are totally spot on.... as far as my parents were concerned my sister was the most talented, most intelligent kid in the world and always blew smoke up her ass.... but as a result as an adult my sister now has no friends and no work ethic.... her life is so small and sad. I just don't understand how she could be happy the way things are. I think I will do as you advise and stop listening to my mother complain about it as she needs to do something about it herself if she wants anything to change.

OP’s posts: |
Gobbycop Fri 15-May-20 15:47:04

I feel sorry for the baby in all this.

Without your mums intervention what a shit pair of parents it has.

Eolhc1990 Fri 15-May-20 15:52:56

Yeah I feel sorry for him too @Gobbycop poor little guy never asked for any of this

OP’s posts: |
Menora Fri 15-May-20 16:04:11

Yes the other poster explained it better than me
They have created this role for you as overseeing parent to clear up their mess essentially. Of course it bothers you but this really is their own doing and your role is not to try to fix it. They have now got to parent her child (and may enjoy doing so more than you realise).
You need to care for and focus on the family you have and protect them from this absolutely mad dynamic

Menora Fri 15-May-20 16:05:15

Was your sister ever ill as a child? Or did something happen to her or your parents when she was small? Often an illness or extreme anxiety can create this dynamic where they feel guilty about something

sillysmiles Fri 15-May-20 16:07:44

I honestly don't think its fair for posters to say you should abandon your parents. I guess they feel like they have no choice and feel that if they don't look after the baby no one will.

Can you talk to your mum about what they really really want and potentially post lockdown you could chair a meeting where everyone gets to talk, no one gets attacked and a timeline is put in place for her to move out and move on with her life. Its so not fair on your parents that after all these years paying for her she is still parasiting off them.

Eolhc1990 Fri 15-May-20 16:15:18

No @Menora she was never sick as a child but she was a bright child and did quite well at school which was not common for our family.

OP’s posts: |
gamerchick Fri 15-May-20 16:22:42

I think the only thing you can do is to tell your parents that they are reaping what they've sown with her, that you don't want to hear it anymore and when they're ready to stand up to her then you'll help.

Until then you dont want to know.

Menora Fri 15-May-20 16:49:27

It is not about abandoning anyone, no one has said that. It’s about knowing what you realistically can and cannot influence or fix

There is clearly nothing OP can do to make her sister be a better parent or daughter or mother if she doesn’t want to be. So she will waste years of her own life embroiled in this drama being very demoralised when all her advice or suggestions fall on deaf ears
No one wants to live like that.

Menora Fri 15-May-20 16:52:39

A sit down meeting would feed the drama right?
Sister would cry a lot
Parents feel guilty seeing her cry
Everyone goes home and it all continues

OP would be an unpaid unheard unappreciated mediator!

Someone has to want to change it. Mum and dad have had enough. They actually get her to move out. They stop helping with the baby or go for outside help for support. OP can suggest all this till she is blue in the face and she probably has been

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 15-May-20 20:22:01

It's difficult to be the black sheep but it's much more damaging to be the golden child in an unhealthy dynamic.

Stay out of it, have good boundaries.

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