My partner fell in love with someone else

[Dahlia7]

I posted a response about this on another thread about affairs. But I think I need some advice of my own:

I have just found out that my partner of 5 years fell in love iwth a woman on a work trip abroad about one and half years ago. It was a very intense frienship to start off with but developed into a massive infatuation. They kept in contact via email (I recently found the messages) and he declared his love and admiration for her many times. It came to and end a few months later, I'm not sure how - he woke up, she was more sensible. Our relationship had always been really good on the whole and I never guessed at the time, though I was jealous of their friendship.

However on discovering these messages I have found that he is trying to rekindle the friendship or something more I'm not sure (he sent her a song called 'Nothing without you' - am I a fool to believe this was an innocent gesture?) He is due to meet her again (as part of a group) through work and says he wants to get rid of the tension.

He seems devasted about the whole thing but I just don't know what to believe any more or what to do. I'd be really grateful for some advice.

[gorgeousfeebie]

How old are the messages?
And what was his response when you confronted him?

Sending you a big hug though.x

[1crazymumof2]

Dahlia 7, so sorry for you that you are going through this .

I had a similar thing happen with my DH although there was no love, just sexual e-mails and texts. not sure which is better? anyway it seems to me that at the moment your DH is using the time and effort that he should be spending on your relationship, trying to persue or speak to this lady.
Also for someone who just found this out you seem very composed,almost as though you don't really care or are you in shock? Yes i do believe that given the intensity of his emotions for her you are being foolish to look at this as just a friendly gesture.

You need to hold him accountable for this I don't think he has as you put it woken up, and no doubt hes devastated, more than likely because you found out.

[Dahlia7]

Thanks for the support both of you. Gorgeousfeebie, the 'love' messages were dated from December 05 (they met in November) to March 06. The new messages were this month and last month - not loving but saying he needs to speak to her to say sorry for his behaviour, sorry for disappearing etc.. She is not really responding. I'm so confused! At first he denied it but had to admit the truth when i told him i'd found the emails. He said it was like an electric shock, that they just completely clicked. We have had a really happy year together since last August - we had a breakthrough when he agreed to start trying for baby (no luck yet). They were not in touch during that time as far as I know.

1crazymumof2 - yes, think i am in shock - desperately trying to believe it's not that big a deal. Have one bird on one shoulder telling me not to over dramatise and another on the other absolutely in bits.

What do I do about him seeing her again. It's totally inevitable because of this upcoming work trip?

[1crazymumof2]

I'm so so sorry Dahlia, i hate to say this because i know it ripped my insides out when i found these messages, you kind of go into a bit of a daze, 'oh, its okay really,i mean it's not a proper affair not like they were sleeping together'. But you have to admit that it is a really, really big deal and so does he, think about all the times he must have lied to you or been with you when he was thinking about her. He owes it to you to stop this, he does'nt owe her anything she always knew she was the 'other' woman.I found messages when i was kissing my baby son goodnight and i was six months pregnant with DD, a text popped up [i had his phone in my pocket]. I sat crying silently on his bedroom floor holding the baby i was carrying.It will never leave me. You owe it to yourself to make sure this is stopped NOW. Big hug.

[obimomkanobi]

Sorry that you are having to deal with this.

How do you know that his work trip is inevitable?

He is investing energy/emotion that should be for you, with someone else. He might not have crossed the line physically but he has dealt you a massive emotional blow/betrayal.

Please don't let yourself be treated like this.

[Dahlia7]

Thanks so much for your kind words crazymum. What did you do?

[hatingtoberight]

really sorry to hear yor situation ...as a recent veteran of avery simialr one I can sympathise with you becaseu it hurts like hell.

My best tip is to get smart so that whenver you confront him he can't pull the wool over your eyes.So - can you check his phone? Look for any odd numbers etc.
Can you check his email history more? - this was my main way in. mY DH hadn't worked out how to delete stuff permanently and there it all was - I saved it all immediately so i had all teh ammunition I might ever need.

I checked the emails file under iTunes ...and discoverd he'd downloaded songs with teh OW's name in them - teh iTunes receipt email also helpfully gives you dates too.
Good luck and keep cool at this stage if possible - it's the best chance you haev to pick up information before he knows you are onto him.

Sorry if this is outrageously sneaky - but I was fighting fire with fire.

[1crazymumof2]

Made sure it stopped then and there, is there anyway that he can cancel the works thing? You have to sit down with him and have a very frank discussion. Is he sure he loved her or was it just a case of the grass is greener? if it is love then is he expecting you to believe the flames won't be re-ignited when they meet again? did it ever go further than just talk? he should be willing/prepared for you to check up on him, his mobile,texts for as long as it takes for you trust him again. He will have to apologise nonstop and live with someone who will be moody and paranoid!
Are you willing to stay with him? In my case i beleive it was just an ego boost, he said he did'nt even find her attractive which i believe.

[Dahlia7]

hatingtobebright - I am onto him and he knows it. I had the proof.

He says he is terrifiedof the consequences and knows how stupid he has been. Also that he knows now that it wasn't love, just infatuation. He is very remorseful and says that he won't contact her again, but i know he feels very sad about this as their friendship meant so much to him and that hurts like hell.

I am wondering if we should spend some time apart as I think he is not being truthful to himself (how can a song entitled Nothing Without You not be loaded - he is kidding himself). I was hoping he'd say he'd cancel the trip but he says he has to go - it's very important to him in many ways and i think might backfire if he didn't.

[Tinkerbel5]

I wouldnt blame you for leaving him and having some time apart, he cant have his cake and eat it so has to decided who he wants, I dont think you should wait at home for him to decide as I dont think he deserves that option.

[gorgeousfeebie]

Has she responded to the emails then as you said she has not really said much?

Why does he feel the need to say sorry to her?

[Dahlia7]

gorgeousfeebie - I think she got fed up with his declarations of love followed by his disappearance when 'woke up'. I think he feels he messed her around (and subsequently lost her friendship). I can't understand though why - if he knew what he did was wrong - he's so keen to keep in touch. She seems polite but distant now, which is good of course. So if he is trying to rekindle a flame, hopefully she won't respond this time.

I do think he is truly sorry, but am finding it so hard to shake off.

Thanks again all of you for continued thoughts and help

[divastrop]

sorry if this seems harsh but why on earth are you trying for a baby with a man who is in love with somebody else,and is just staying with you because the OW doesnt return his affections?

i think you need to get some self respect and find a man who loves you and only you.

he is taking you for a fool and you are letting him by believing his drivel about friendship and important work trips.

[hatingtoberight]

HI
Glad to hear you have proof - it will strangely be a comfort to you when you think you are going mad or he accuses you of being paranoid.
Please still be on your guard though. Even after I conforonted my DH I foudn out other things..the iTunes for example, A farking poem she'd written...he had reasons for every single thing I confronted him with,but I just had to know the extent of his infatuation with her. Do you know he told me one of the (sexy)songs he downloaded was because he'd heard it on radio 2 an liked it...I was reduced to emailing Radio 2 to ask if it had ever been ont heri playlist (!!), because I KNOW I listen to the radio more than he and I'd NEVER heard it.

This is what I mean about the paranoia - just when you think you've got it straight...

[Dahlia7]

divastrop - you live up to your name ! I didn't know he was in love with someone else until this weekend (they didn't have contact for over a year). Had I known, a baby would not have been on the cards. Right now of course, all that is suspended.

In fact I just spoke to him and he said he didn't care if he never saw her again/or had any contact if it meant we would stay together. He admits he's been a total idiot (stronger words used).

[eyesfront]

It's brilliant that he wants to committ to you and doesn't want to see her again etc. But it might be worth pressing him to see if you can find out if there is a gap in your relationship that she filled for him, and to see if you can fill it yourself to stop any future 'straying'

[Elizabetth]

If he's lied to you before why would you believe him now, particularly when he's been trying to rekindle their relationship.

Sending another woman a song "Nothing without you" is a disgusting way to behave when he's in a relationship.

He doesn't sound worth fighting for IMHO. I'd say you deserved better.

[Dahlia7]

Thanks so much all - I've got to log off now - your wisdom, opinions and kindness have really helped me through today.

[HappyWoman]

Sorry to butt in so late but have only just found this - yet another one who has been hurt so very badly - my h had a full blown affair and we are now trying to piece the pieces together and it is not easy.

My advice would be to tell him that you are not happy with him going on the trip and not let him make you feel bad about it either. If you mean so much to him then let him lose face and not go - it would be a huge gesture to you after all. My fear would be that you would not forgive yourself for being so 'stupid' to let him go. I stupidly 'let my h go back to work with her and it is eating me up. I knew it would be hard and now wish i had been stronger and insisted that one of them leaves, I feel i was 'strung along because it the easy option for him. Time has now passed and we have missed the moment now and it is eating me up.

Anyway good luck with it all and hope you get some peace with this, you need to be kind to yourself now.