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Past Sexual Assault

(17 Posts)
Matilda3122 Mon 04-May-20 14:12:25

I've NC for this but been around for years.

Its taken a lot of courage for me to admit this to myself,never mind write it down so please be gentle.

5 years ago I was in the middle of a marriage break up. I think I had some sort of breakdown, I seriously considered ending things. I did all sorts of silly things with pills & walking into the sea.

I joined all sorts of sites to chat to other men as I was so bloody lonely. I had NO intention of doing anything. I just wanted to talk, for someone to say I looked nice, for some attention. I did meet a couple for a cuppa, in a public place but only ones I didn't find attractive, just got on with - in similar situations. My ex was the classic paid no attention to me, no affection, rejected me in bed, loved his xbox more., left me in agony after an OP not even helping me home or upstairs to bed. He rarely spoke to me or sat in the same room. I think it had become really noticeable since the youngest DC became a teen and spent most of their time in their bedroom. When I initiated the breakup he then played the victim and tried to make things better by trying to talk and buying flowers. By then though I could not try again. I was so low. I did try for probably 5 years and had brought the subject up countless times.

We ended up living together for a year (separate rooms) until he finally moved out - he refused initially.

One of the guys I was speaking to was so lovely, we chatted for months, he was lonely in his relationship too, no affection. He appeared genuine, was a Dr of Science, was quite open etc. I was honest and said I was only chatting as friends. He said no problem. One week he said his girlfriend had gone away on business, at that point I was separated but living in the same house. He invited me for dinner as a friend. I honestly thought there was no harm.

I got there, he had done a lovely buffet spread and bought me my favourite drink. I cant bear to type it all out but I started to not feel right, I was aware but not aware, we had sex, I did not want to, I don't know if I said no as I lost most of the night. I remember suddenly being sat up in a bed and going to the toilet and knowing what had happened was not right. I felt sick. He tried to give me money for a taxi but I said no. I left and threw up and then I don't know how long I wandered about the town for but I was out of it, I finally found a cash point and got some money and a taxi home.

I have never told a single soul.

He emailed a chatty email soon after and I told him that what had happened was not right. He disagreed and said it was fine but he did regret it.

I came across his name by accident. He married his girlfriend not long after. They have a toddler. I want to tell her. I want her to know what he did and could still be doing.

I am now with the love of my life. I am SO happy. I cannot bring myself to tell him - I just cant.

I dont think I even need advice. I just needed to tell someone. Anyone.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Mon 04-May-20 14:16:42

I'm so sorry, it sounds like he spiked you.

You might find speaking to Rape Crisis helpful, just to talk it through.

RubyG3112 Mon 04-May-20 14:26:03

I can't imagine what you've been through / are going through so I don't feel like I'm in any position to offer advice, but I think you're really brave for talking about it.

I wonder if you would ever feel able to talk to your other half, it might be a relief to say it out loud and get some support from those you love.

rvby Mon 04-May-20 16:24:54

Gosh I'm so sorry to read this. What a harrowing experience for you. Have you ever talked to a trauma counsellor? It would be a really good idea if you did - just to get your head a bit more straight, to get some coping skills in place before you take any action regarding your assault.

When memories like this come back into your psyche, they can feel like they are drowning you, which is why it's important to have a good grasp of the coping skills needed, before you delve too deep, potentially tell other people, etc. etc.

Take care of yourself gently as if you were caring for a child who has been hurt. You don't have to tell OH but I really urge you to access trauma counselling, you need someone to know your story, to hold your hand and help you build up some strength to deal with it in a way that won't end up hurting you more.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, I hate this man for doing this to you.

Angryangryyoungwoman Mon 04-May-20 18:48:21

Name change fail op, in case it's important

I'm so sorry this happened to you

category12 Mon 04-May-20 18:52:06

Name change fail?

I wouldn't, no. You don't know how she'd react to it, and it may well be some sort of reaction against you. Are you really in the right place to deal with her response? If you're planning on doing it anonymously, the likelihood is she won't believe it. She may consider it harassment or something. What are you hoping for from it?

Maybe you should talk it through with a counsellor/Rape Crisis and really explore ways forward.

Have you considered making a complaint to the police, instead?

rvby Mon 04-May-20 19:07:51

I wouldn't agree with you telling his wife unless and until you'd had really extensive support from a trauma counsellor or similar trusted professional first.

The can of worms that could be opened by such an action, is something that you've got to be super prepared for. If things go haywire after you tell her, e.g. she threatens you via solicitor letters with court, screams abuse at you, starts posting shit on social media about you, etc. etc. etc., then your DP finds out and possibly doesn't react well, etc. - those things could massively impact your mental health.

Take good care of yourself, proceed slowly, get support flowers

ThirtyAndASmidgen Mon 04-May-20 19:11:05

I recently heard from a friend that one of the pieces of shit who raped me recently got engaged as well. Would I tell his fiancée? No way. I have no wish to revisit that part of my life.

Doidontimmm Tue 05-May-20 10:26:29

Can’t get the name change sorted (this is OP). I guess I wanted her to know the man she really married, that there has been no consequence for him. He did this is her bed. I will never go to the police. I couldn’t bear others knowing as partly it was my fault.

category12 Tue 05-May-20 10:31:58

Hi again, OP. I hope you're doing OK?

I think you should get specialist support and do a load of counselling addressing this question, and see where you come to. I think if you tell her, it may backfire on you in ways you don't expect/aren't prepared for.

Mumofboysngrls Tue 05-May-20 10:40:46

It was not "partly your fault" he spiked you! You are a victim here. However it would be a huge mistake to go to his new partner with this information.
It's unlikely she will believe you over him and he is likely to accuse you of making up slanderous lies about him. Especially if you never reported it to the police.
Contact the rape crisis centre and get some counselling for yourself don't worry about his partner. Look after yourself first

Robin233 Tue 05-May-20 10:49:54

Hi op
You need to get some therapy.
You need someone to help you lift this "shame" from your shoulders.
Through loneliness and rejection you may have been on a path of self destruction.
Having a meal with a virtual 'engaged' Stranger, in his home with alcohol, would have been part of that.

But you are not that person now. And a person like that would not even be on your radar now.

Get therapy then draw a line under it.

Have your life well lived.
You deserve it.

His wife probably knows what he's like - preying on venerable women is a personality flaw and will show in other ways.
Nothing you can tell her will change her opinion of him.
She will have learn it for herself.

Doidontimmm Tue 05-May-20 11:02:06

Thank you all. I just trusted the person I thought he was. I never went with the intention to drink but I’m a people pleaser and he bought an expensive liquer I like and felt obliged to say yes to it.

He is highly regarded in his field, was open about who he was etc... how did he think he would get away with it? Maybe I said yes? I just don’t know.

I’ve just buried it until now but you are all right. I need to speak to someone.

My now OH was assaulted as a child , when he told me I feel that was my time to share but I felt my experience was of my own doing whereas his wasn’t.

I wish he could be punished.

Robin233 Tue 05-May-20 12:03:42

Ex 'people pleaser' here.
So know where you're coming from.

I have had to develop boundaries from scratch.
Had therapy , CBT etc .,,

But Op you mentioned you'd like him punished him.
Would this really help?
(And at some point he will - what goes around , comes around. )

But would it help you?
After about 5 minutes after the satisfaction has worn off?

I've also done this.

And in some cases seen people 'punished'

But the good feeling is fleeting.

You need to work on your self.

You are not a victim.

You are a good , strong woman who experienced something dreadful.

You found love after years of neglected.

You have come so far as many who have struggled.

I am a great believer in 'what doesn't kills you makes you stronger. '

You will be ok.

And I think when the time is right you will tell your partner.

Once you've got it all straight in your head. And you'll do it with inner confidence and love.

rvby Tue 05-May-20 17:04:01

@Doidontimmm I just want to hug you.

As a survivor myself, I'll say that it was actually really good that you didn't "gatecrash" OH's disclosure of abuse with your own story. You let him have his own time to tell his story to you, that is commendable. You didn't make it about your experience. Well done.

Don't feel that you can't tell him because of that. I think if you chat to a counsellor yourself, you'll soon get a plan in place to tell him, in a way that will work for you and for him.

It's easy to say "don't be afraid", but I really mean it, don't be, you can do this. Just get that support around you.

Doidontimmm Tue 05-May-20 19:17:21

I’m so grateful thank you all so much. It’s going to be slow, this was my first step, Im going to wait until all this is over to speak to someone as no privacy here.

Thank you for helping me know it’s not my fault.

Thank you for making me feel I was right not telling my OH when he told me.

Robin233 Tue 05-May-20 20:08:38


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