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Explaining alcoholism (abusive) to children?

17 replies

dget · 01/05/2020 05:48

How do you explain alcoholism to a teenager? I have three kids aged eight to 14. Their father is alcoholic and has been for many years. He will not drink for three to six months then drink himself into a stupor for days or weeks, stop, repeat. When the children were younger it was easier to hide it from them, but the 14 year old boy is asking questions and none of this is helped by confinement and no school. My husband’s been drunk pretty much every day for three weeks now. At the start he would just drink in the evening but for the past day or two he been drinking from bed and is not part of the daily routine at all. Because it’s been impossible to hide the situation I told the 14 that sometimes his father drinks too much, he’s not a bad person, it is a type of illness, an addiction. He then wanted to know why we aren’t sleeping in the same room. I said that when he drinks too much, sometimes he says mean and rude things or is very noisy and it’s better for us to sleep apart because I need rest. I know I will be asked for more information. I don’t know what to say. Also, how honest should I be? His father is verbally and emotionally abusive to me (but not the children) when he is drunk. He tells me I’m a failure, a bad mother, bad wife, useless, and that everything is my fault etc. He’ll go out of his way to say very hurtful things and will attempt to gaslight me. I’ve been to Alanon when we used to live in a different country, so I try to practice what I learned there, basically detachment. About two weeks ago, he was physically violent to me. I’m lucky he didn’t break my ribs. This was also my fault apparently. I just try to stay out of his way now. To be honest, the marriage is hanging on by a thread. There are other issues such as his long standing disinterest in working and my growing sense that he is using me financially, or at the very least he is over-entitled and not pulling his weight. But I’m tiptoeing around because I know it’s a dangerous time, the wrong moment, to say he needs to leave. He’s already made it clear he will not leave anyhow, and he knows I’m reluctant to put the kids through a break up. But I’m so tired of the emotional disruption he causes and frankly, the way I end up being responsible for everything from the usual care of children and all related admin to being, as he would say: a failure who causes his/our problems and provoked him. But to return to the reason I posted this: How to explain any of this to the children, bearing in mind whatever I tell the 14 year old will be discussed with his 11 year old brother? (PS. For context, I do not live in the UK or Ireland. We are in a different part of the EU.) Sorry for the long post. Thanks for your advice.

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StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 01/05/2020 06:10

First question for tte dc when you do discuss it: tell me what you already know. I think everything youve already said is really good actually.

Please call the police about the physical assault.

Your marriage isnt hanging by a thread, its already over. You cant come back from that. You will always be on eggshells wondering if tonight is goingto be the next time. Please ring womens aid for advice about how to go about getting him out.