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How can I accept that the end of a friendship doesn't mean I've failed.

(15 Posts)
Racingtotheend Thu 30-Apr-20 07:45:24

Someone I used to think i was close friends with has been getting more and more distant over the past few months. In fact, she has been doing the kind of things that you see suggested on here when people are trying to politely drop a friend. For example, taking ages to reply to messages, being non-committal about meeting up etc. I've always taken what she says at face value but we spoke last weekend and I discovered that even though she has been too busy to catch up with me, she has been having fun, Zoom catch-ups with people she wasn't friends with a few months ago. She didn't even attempt to hide the fact that she has been bending the truth about her unavailability with me, and i was too cowardly to call her out on it.

My self-esteem has taken a bit of a blow that friend has apparently decided that she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, while I'm not mentally in the same place. Does anyone have any strategies or philosophical words that might make me see things in a more balanced way?

OP’s posts: |
TigerDater Thu 30-Apr-20 07:48:08

She is unkind and dishonest. Why would you want to remain friends with her?

Dozer Thu 30-Apr-20 07:50:18

That sounds upsetting.

Are there any reasons you think she might have decided she no longer wants much contact with you?

Guess your options are to drop contact, or ask her directly whether she still wants to have contact (and when circumstances change, meet up).

Wouldn’t assume it’s anything or primarily to do with you - could be lots of other reasons.

Would allow yourself to feel sad, confused, upset but about it, then try to focus on other things, other friendships, family, work, interests etc.

Dozer Thu 30-Apr-20 07:51:07

Personally unless it was a v close and/or longstanding friend I wouldn’t ask, would just reduce/stop contact.

KatherineJaneway Thu 30-Apr-20 07:54:04

It's really hard but people do change and move on in life. I stopped contacting someone recently as I was always the person to make first contact so, after a while, I gave up. They never messaged me again. They clearly didn't value the friendship so I let them go, you can't make people care. Hurts though sad

PatchworkElmer Thu 30-Apr-20 07:58:21

I had this towards the end of last year- complicated situation but basically I left a job after being horrendously bullied, 3 women I was very close to at the time wanted to stay in touch, etc.

I’m in daily contact with one of them, but the other 2 went very quiet very quickly- and started posting pictures with bully, etc. I messaged them all asking if they fancied meeting up before Christmas, and only one replied- the others read and ignored. I took the hint and just met up with the one.

Recently I’ve decided that I don’t like the idea of having them on social media if they’re just lurking- it also made me feel a bit weird and like I looked desperate. So I’ve deleted them both. Made me feel much better, like I wasn’t just sitting there like the ‘wounded’ party being ignored.

copycopypaste Thu 30-Apr-20 08:00:37

Just stop contact with her. You don't want to be friends with someone like that. Tbh there have been times I've pulled back from people who I consider aren't good for me. But I'd never be so cruel and to tell them I've been catching up with other people whilst pulling back from them.

You can't control what other people do, but you can control what you do

Dozer Thu 30-Apr-20 08:06:12

In what way did your friend “not even attempt to hide the fact that she has been bending the truth about her unavailability with me,l”

Having online video calls with her other friends doesn’t signify much IMO.

I’ve been to a fair few online things with aquaintances - exercise class, a local group of friends who have included me on their regular call, but to whom am not close. Not any of my closest friends, am mainly keeping in touch with them via text.

redcarbluecar Thu 30-Apr-20 08:15:47

This is tough for you - it’s easy to say ‘drop her as a friend’ but you’ve been close to her and have an emotional investment in the relationship.

I don’t think you were cowardly not to call her out about prioritising others over you. That’s her decision and she might just shrug it off, leaving you feeling worse. Dignity was your better option.

It does sound as if you need to look after yourself emotionally and let her go- I don’t mean decisively end the friendship (not right now anyway); I mean reduce your expectation of her to the point where she can’t hurt you so much. Writing things down might also help you to be honest with yourself about your feelings, which are completely valid.

Inconnu Thu 30-Apr-20 08:20:53

It's a bit like being dumped by a boyfriend, isn't it? They decide they don't want to be friends any more, while you still like them. I guess the way to deal with it is a bit like when you split up with a boyfriend too - try not to obsess too much about why this has happened, accept this is their decision at the end of the day, allow yourself to feel sad and and blue for a few weeks, then pick yourself up and start thinking of ways to make new friendships or focus on strengthening your existing ones.

RantyAnty Thu 30-Apr-20 08:25:28

It does hurt and unfortunately not much you can do about it.
I wouldn't confront her. No need to. Actions say everything.
Just let the friendship fade away and try to focus on new things.

I've been stung at finding out people I thought were great friends before, didn't quite feel the same about me.

Racingtotheend Thu 30-Apr-20 08:28:46

dozer it's difficult to explain succinctly but along the lines of me sending friend a message to see if she's ok as haven't heard from her in a while, and her replying that she had been too busy with work to do anything else. Then at the weekend, she told me how she has been spending time in lockdown and it certainly wasn't all work and no contact with her other friends.

OP’s posts: |
Dozer Thu 30-Apr-20 14:25:05

I don’t think that’s too bad on her part. Sounds like your text could have come across quite passive/aggressive, and it’s not on the face of it U for her to do social stuff online but not contact specific friends.

Wanderlust21 Thu 30-Apr-20 14:53:07

Yikes, been there.

Had a pal who had been close with for a few years and I realised I was struggling to converse with lately, but didn't think that mattered as all friendships go through lulls. She had also started a new job and made 'work friends'.

I kept making an effort and we were out one day and it felt like old times and I suggested a night out at our fave place. She said she was too tired. The next day there are photos all over fb of her out at that club, with her new work friends.

I was so hurt. I mean why not just tell me she was going with work pals and didn't feel right inviting me to their do? I would have understood.

I never said anything. Instead I decided to stop contacting her and see if she would make the effort. She didn't.

I always wish I had called her out on it. Told her I thought our friendship was worth more than that. But then again, i had only known her a few years. So maybe it never meant as much to her as I thought.

I think if people arent willing to put the same effort as you into remaining pals, then fuck em. Sure sometimes there are times where we are less chatty or see less of one another. But I think we tend to know in our gut when it is more than that.

I'm a good person, and a fairly good friend for the most part too, I hope lol. I trust myself to be there for those I care for and to be understanding. If you feel the same about yourself, the chances are, it's her issue. Take a step back and time will tell.

Poodles03 Thu 30-Apr-20 15:42:39

You can accept it because you didn't fail - most friendships come and go in life, it's the same for everyone. Only a few remain true throughout life, if we're lucky.

She's shown her true colors as someone who doesn't really care and lacks a spine - it happens to the best of us. Take solace in the fact that you wouldn't treat people how she treats people. flowers

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