Relationship with Parents

[Ladywinesalot]

I guess being in lockdown has given me a lot of time to think and have older memories resurface when in normal life I keep myself busy to not remember.
This is the first time I’ve ever spoken/written about this.

In a nutshell my DF was/is an violent alcoholic and was vile to my DM. Understandably DM was spaced out trying to cope, but she also took it out on me in terms of neglect: lots of times the only meal I ate was at school, I didn’t have a lot of appropriate clothes and she would put me down a lot. Criticise me to my face and to others. Make fun of me to my friends when I was a teen, slag me off to other family members.
Would tell me how thick and ugly I was. I had an ugly smile.
When I started my periods I didn’t tell her, I was afraid for some reason, and I missed the chat at school so didn’t really know what was going on. I just wrapped tissues up in my knickers. I didn’t that for 2 years. I didn’t understand how she didn’t notice?

I saw what my DF was like, smashing the house up, screaming at Dm.
I’d listen for the sound of the front door slamming when he’d come home to know how bad the mood would be.

I have a pretty shit relationship with them now. They don’t know much about me. They don’t care to be honest, as long as listen to their endless shit and endless dramas about gossip or who they’ve fallen out with now.

I’m so alone. It feels so shameful and humiliating to not be close to my parents. Everyone I know has a great relationship with their parents. I can’t tell anyone in RL.

Not sure what I’m hoping by this thread but I think I need therapy.

[Comtesse]

Hi OP. They sound awful parents, and haven’t got much better with time. Plenty of people have a rough time with their parents, it’s not all cuddles and roses even if that’s the prevailing cultural narrative.

I’ve found therapy very helpful for understanding more about difficult family stuff. Also Toxic Parents is a good book too.

[Fairybatman]

I can’t advise from personal experience, but I am an adopted of a DC from a similar background.

It’s OK to feel how you feel.

It sounds like they both treated you badly and let you down and you deserved more.

You have every right to decide whether you want to continue a relationship with them or not, you own them nothing.

You could think about contacting your GP to ask for a referral to counselling, that could help you to sort through how you feel and what, if anything, you want to do about it.

If you did choose to talk about it IRL you’d find it’s depressingly common. There are lots of people out there in the same boat.

Good luck

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The shame is all theirs; not yours. You were but a child at the time, none of this was ever your fault. It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. They have both let you down abjectly here.

It is more than ok to feel like you do. This is more common than many people realise, there are an awful lot of people out there who have had rubbish childhoods for whatever reasons.

BACP are good re counselling and you may want to contact them. I suggest them rather than the GP because you could well wait a very long time and only receive a small number of sessions.

You may also want to contact this organisation, a link for it is here napac.org.uk/. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward (there is a section in there about alcoholic parents) and read/post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages