Enmeshment/Surrogate Spouse/Emotional Incest

[Schmackers]

I realise this is a bit niche but wondered if anyone else has experience of growing up in a family where one parent was either absent or abusive/distant, and this led to the other parent basically turning one of the children into a surrogate spouse?

It happened in my family between my brother and mother and until the last few weeks I didn't even know there was a name for it. I wondered if anyone who does have experience of it could talk about the effect it had on their family, or if anyone with knowledge on it could recommend some reading. There doesn't seem to be a huge amount out there.

[Gutterton]

Yes that happened to me and my DH.
It’s called parentification and it steals your childhood, fucks with your boundaries (you don’t have any) and leaves you with chronic MH issues as an adult.

My situation was that my DF died when I was v young and my DM lost the plot so I became a young carer and absorbed her emotions.

My DHs DF was an alcoholic so his DM spousified him as a child and this continued all his life and caused big issues in our marriage.

Both are emotional abuse. Also leaves major issues with siblings as they don’t see you as a sibling - but someone “favoured” - when you have been groomed and exploited. Sucks the joy out of your life.

[heartheal]

I’ve not heard of this but it strikes a chord. I had many adult responsibilities from a young age, caring for siblings, organising, cooking meals, completing paperwork, but also I was burden with inappropriate information such as my dad’s sex life when I was 12.
It’s given me a lot to think about.

[heartheal]

Sorry I’m not really answering your question