Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

OK I've left him but am feeling very guilty

(22 Posts)
lemonstartree Wed 12-Sep-07 19:02:03

need a proverbial dose of reality

I have posted about my husband before.

he is (was) a heavy cannabis user - it turns out he has been spending £300-400/month on this habit.I posted previously as 'sosickoftheweed'

He has violent mood swings and I have posted about his agressive behaviour with the children before too. When he is 'nice' he is fine; but he is increasingly horrible and unpredictable. When like theis he is very verbally abusive to me and about me to the children

almost 3 weeks ago he lost his temper with our middle son (5) and hit him around the head, hard iwth an open hand. The whole stuation escaleated as I stood between him and our son, It was very ugly.

I managed to leave with all the children only by threatening to call the police.

we left and stayed with my brother for a week; he took an overdose, was abusive to everyone and he eventually left the house. I have changed the locks.

he is now very remorseful, has stopped smoking cannabis and thinks he is bipolar.He has an appointment with a psychiatrist next week

I am inclined to think he is being manipulative; he is an addict and i do not think he has fully faced up to what he has done.........

but feel very guilty and if he ere ill I feel I should forgive him.....

please tell me my feelings are normal and that if I stay strong they will pass; please remind me of the effect of violence on small children.......

Sheherazadethegoat Wed 12-Sep-07 19:07:44

you are completely right to leave. don't feel guilty, he is being manipulative and if you go back before he has taken any steps to fix things he will escalate the addiction and teh violence.

take care of yourself and you children this must be v. hard.

winnie Wed 12-Sep-07 19:15:29

lemonstartree, you have done the right thing. I left my dd's father in circumstances rather similar. Sixteen years have passed and he hasn't changed one bit it was absolutely the right thing to do. I knew it then and I know it today (even more so). Good luck to you. Look out for you and your children.

theUrbanDryad Wed 12-Sep-07 19:31:33

i remember you in your previous incarnation. you are right, he is being manipulative, he had plenty of time to change before but he always chose the weed. funny how he's willing to change now, isn't it? hmm you have got to put your children first, they need to see you stand up for them. well done for getting free. smile

mezzer Wed 12-Sep-07 19:45:57

Be strong. You've done the right thing. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

hickorydickory Wed 12-Sep-07 19:54:50

hmm, I work in mental health and have seen men who become violent and abusive towards their families and then overdose and produce the mental illness card to get them out of trouble, (which is really an insult to people with real mental health problems who are rarely violent) I tend to agree with you re the manipulation.

Even if he is unwell in some way it does not excuse his behaviour. You must not compromise you and your family's safety. All abusive men are remorseful..until the next time. You surely don't want your dc growing up thinking their mum didn't want to protect them, with low self worth or, even worse, that violence and drug taking are normal.

Your feelings will pass, they are nothing compared to how you've probably been feeling about your relationship for ages and will continue to feel should you stay in it. What would be good about staying?

Unpredictable abusive people who take drugs are dangerous, and extremely manipulative, god knows what he could do next time. Stay away and look after yourselves, you're worth more than this.

winnie Wed 12-Sep-07 19:58:35

hickorydickory, thank you you have said all the things I wanted to say but I am feeling too emotional today to articulate them.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Sep-07 20:26:21

I remember too your previous postings and totally concur with all the comments posted.

Infact I would print this thread off if you can and keep it where you can read it if you start to waver. Your children for a start deserve far more than having a manipulative drug addict prone to violent outbursts in their lives.

Guilt is a useless emotion.

Tortington Wed 12-Sep-07 20:33:33

be strong - you are doign the right thing

Novacane Thu 13-Sep-07 11:50:13

Stay Strong.

He hit your Son round the head. Enough said.

chloesmumtoo Thu 13-Sep-07 12:03:17

Do not give in. well done for doing the right thing. It must be extremely hard for you but there is a better life out there. Grab on to that thought and your dreams will come true! Promise. I know what you mean about guilt, we all feel that after ending a relationship but yours obviously is far worse than what most of us will encounter. Think for your kids and for yourself. Better off without him. I became a single parent 8 years ago but had just been in a relationship that was not right. Now I am extremely happy with my new partner,whom I met in the millenium. ds is now 10 years and very settled. We then had a dd together 5years ago and are all Happy Happy Happy. Life changes so quickly. Stay strong smile

bluejelly Thu 13-Sep-07 12:09:36

No need to feel guilty at all, you so did the right thing.
Write a list of all the horrible things he has done and keep referring to it if you find yourself tempted to go back.

Seriously you will feel so much better about yourself that you have managed to walk away from a bad relationship..
Even if he is bipolar, that is not a reason to stay with someone

redapple Thu 13-Sep-07 20:56:55

Oh this sounds sooo familiar!

My ex was a heavy cannabis user, he was unpredictable, manipulative, had mood swings and was mean to everyone including the kids. Luckily(!) it was verbal abuse and he never got violent.

Trouble is , the stuff they are smoking now is skunk, a form of cannabis that is wildly stronger and has terrible side effects. I doubt very much that he is bipolar, I'm guessing it's the weed thats doing alot this and, as I understand it, the damage is already done so no use just stopping smoking the stuff.

It's a bit chicken and egg, would he have been such an arse if he had never smoked the stuff? Was he always an arse and you were conned by the happy stoned version you were first presented with?

Who knows, but we are better off out of it BELIEVE me. My ex tried all the excuses in the book to justify his terrible behaviour, tried to get everyone feeling sorry for him and still hasn't faced up to what he did and is still doing.

Don't be conned, don't go back, don't feel guilty. I can't say being a single mum is a breeze but it's 100% better than what I used to have.

lemonstartree Fri 14-Sep-07 09:03:13

Redapple - does your ex still smoke the stuff ? does he have contact with your children ? How long ago did you leave him? My husband currently thinks we are on some kind of trial seperation and that after some appropriate ttime I will take him back. I dont think I should ever take him back because I think he has not and will not /cannot face up to what he has done.

he has wasted his life big off his face and now he is 43 with no kids (living with him), no wife , no job, no home, no money and no ability to see that hes wasted 30 years being a lying drug addicted adolescent.

I cant go back becaus I dont LIKE him and I have no respect for what is left ?, how ever sorry I feel for him, there IS no way back

redapple Fri 14-Sep-07 09:24:26

He gave up for about six months after having a near nervous breakdown (swearing he would never do it again and saying how it had ruined his life) He started up again of course, going straight back into denial.

We split up a year ago, he sees kids regularly during the week and has them for one night at the weekend.

I told him I wouldn't accept him smoking while he had the kids but I'm sure he still does. A mutual friend said that he has started drinking again, a quick vodka in the morning before work. Bugger.

In front of me and family he seems a good dad, doen't appear stoned or to be drinking but then I know how good he is at covering up so I don't know what to think.

Fool that I am, I used to think that I could help him but after too many wasted years all I care about now is how he looks after and behaves with the kids.
I feel for him, he has lost everything and wasted what could have been such a great life but all my respect for him went years ago. I don't like him but I don't hate him, I feel pity but I am moving on now and feel so free now he has gone.

Our problem is we will always have to deal with the idiots as they need to be around for our kids. Stay strong, your man raised his hand to your kid - never again. Have you got good family and friends to support you through this?

Always here to chat if you need to x

lemonstartree Fri 14-Sep-07 09:57:48

thank you so much - your story makes me feel less alone.

at the moment he is staying with his parents - he clearly does not understand that he should not use any mind altering substance as he is now drinking again.......He has an appointment with a psychiatrist next week - i willbe interested to see what she says.

I think he had an unstable and 'borferline' personality for a young child but his problems have been massively magnified by his 30 year drug use. He went on a massive drugs binge after we left him - god knows what he took.

I feel so guilty and as though I should have been abale to help him. and I tried so hard, but in the end his behaviour was so awful that I could not stay any longer. If he comes back he will, without doubt, do all this again - not maybe now, but it WILL happen again because the fundamentals have not changed.

how may kids do you have redapple? do they know about their fathers habits ?

redapple Fri 14-Sep-07 11:34:15

Right there with you on the feeling guilty for so long. Thought I should have been able to help, taking a long time for me to realise that there is nothing I can do or could have done to change things.

When I first met ex, all my friends had had the old joint and I didn't think it was a big deal. Most friends don't both now but my ex and another friend just got deeper and deeper until they relied on it.

For whatever reason our husbands found life hard to cope with and didn't have the backbone to try, turning to drugs and drink to escape. They will never change, it's part of their personality and it's not our fault.

My boys are 6 and 8, they aren't aware as such that Ex takes drugs as far as I know. They saw the wild mood swings, from him storming into the house in a foul mood then having a puff and changing mood instantly. I don't know what connections they made.

It scares me that they will become exposed to it as they get older and if dad does it, well it must be ok? Ex is of the opinion that weed is wonderful and will always try to get other friends to join him with a spliff. I wouldn't put it past him to offer it to the boys when they are older.

It makes me feel sad and angry what we have gone through and the fact that ex won't acknowlege half of it. I feel like I 've had to be the grown up and it was like having another child to care for. I'm just trying to let that all go and get on with the here and now. Hardest bit now is kids still ask why I won't let ex move back home (not that he wants to)and why I don't love him anymore. Give them rather bland replies while wanting to tell them their father is a cheating, feckless moron who spent all our money on weed and treated us like crap!

It was easier for me that my ex wanted to split up too (it was him that left) so not too much arguing at that point. How old are yours? Tons of empathy coming your way - I know how hard this must have been.

Meeely2 Fri 14-Sep-07 11:37:49

this is striking a cord with me, thank you.

good luck to your both, you are very strong women

lemonstartree Fri 14-Sep-07 12:03:45

Meeely are you living with a drug user too ? - actually I should call a spade a spade and say 'drug addict'

IMO until my h accepts that he is an addict, and that his only chance of a halfway normal life is to STOP all substances not just now but forever.

Our boys and 8,5 and 2........

I have just printed off the threads I started - as far back as Nov 2005 about his shitty behavious. Need then to remind myself and stay strong

rowey Thu 27-Sep-07 23:20:14

hi new to this site.from birmingham but moving to cornwall to be nearer my family without my boyfriend.ive left him before cuz the weed makin him abusive disrespectful lazy etc then moved bk like an idiot.then got pregnant and he has got worse.i am 26 my little boy is 1.x hasnt worked for about a yr and half.not got up to give son bfast only once,in bed till afternoon,having paranoid and psycotic episodes,temper is terrible constantly walkin on eggshells,throwing things.hit me few times whilst holdin baby.just cant take no more even though i still love him.we were in homeless accomodation for short time but he had 15000 saved in bank due to dealing.didnt use that to get us a home,saving for selfish is that.he has really nasty tongue puts me down all the time

mickeylou Fri 28-Sep-07 22:29:42

lemonstartree - stick to it and dont let him back in. i am going to take my own advice and start my divorce on monday - your dh sounds very similar to mine only swop the weed for vodka. xx

rowey, hope you are ok. you are doing the right thing moving to be with your family. i hope the suburu makes him happy!!

lemonstartree Tue 02-Oct-07 14:19:06


I have followed your thread.

well done for being strong and keeping him away from you. HE is the one who has decided to drink, nad the consequences of his actions are HIS fault.

hope you are ok

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: