Finding sister's behaviour extremely selfish & childish

[endofmywick]

My twin sister (late 20s) moved in to my rented house a few weeks ago. Its a nice place with a great live-in landlord and all was going well. We get on well but have had various issues over the years - i did mentioned it may not be the best idea given our history but she was adamant and I thought it would be nice to have the company and was looking forward to giving it a go.

It has been hell, exacerbated obviously by lockdown.

She can be physical in arguments with me. I can be mean but definitely not physical unless very pushed i.e. defending myself. I am aware how ridiculous this sounds... I have scratch marks on my hand from a recent altercation...

Often I will offer to cook dinner, pick her up something from the shops, make lunch, get a snack etc. If she wants a bottle of wine and I have one in the cupboard, she can have it. If she wants something that I have and dont need, she can have it. Sometimes I do ask her to replace it after. She will never - and I mean never - do something similar for me. I asked her today to pick me up some crisps from the shops, while she was there - she said no. She cooked dinner this evening for our landlord (I had mentioned I didn't like the dish but was stuck doing work anyway) - came down and asked for a taste, she said no.

I am finding it extremely difficult to live like this! It is incredibly hostile and I feel used if Im honest - she has described me as a bully - but my response to that is, if I am, why did she live with me? And also how am I a bully?

I feel very resentful that I may be chucked out or even be forced to move out if our relationship deteriorates. Had been living here for 18 months before with a great relationshop with my LL and feel like this could ruin things - she sure as hell wont be the one who moves.

She became very angry earlier today because I publicly shamed her on a group chat we have with our family member, for not buying me something from the shops. It was a last straw situation. She deliberately goes out of her way to not help me - in fact she has mentioned she sees it as being assertive & standing up for herself.

From her point of view, she would consider me retaliatory and pushy probably. But I find even speaking with her can be a constant battle e.g. I am making lunch, she asks about my day, ensuing chit-chat, I ask about hers, "I'd rather keep my work to myself actually". Ok then.

Second example, I pop into her room to ask if she wants some chocolate. See she's in a meeting so leave. She says it was inappropriate and unwarranted.

Third example, I take a jokey look at her screen when she's WFH. There is definitely nothing private on it and I was far enough away I couldn't really have glimpsed this. It was more of an ooh up to anything exciting - she goes nuclear.

I don't know what to do, this is untenable. I feel like a prisoner in my home... She thinks she has won clearly and won't be moving out, at all.

I am sure she has a side of the story that she can explain but key points to me are that she sees doing anything nice or helpful for me as weakness/giving in/not standing up for herself; she is happy to accept anything I do for her; she sees me as a bully (in which case I am unsure why she moved in?) and clearly harbours a long standing resentment against me. Worth saying that she does have friends who she is exceptionally nice to.

Does anyone have any advance? A couple of weeks ago I reached the end of my tether and suggested a cutting of the relationship ie living like flatmates more formally and that I couldnt handle it. She was in floods of tears on the phone to a family member. I do not believe she is willing to deveop the emotional maturity to understand how to handle this situation and accept some of the issues... I am able and willing to hear her side and work on my "faults" as long as this dysfunction stops... If I ever say anything like, you shouldnt have hurt me or that was an unkind thing, she just says no it wasnt - she shuts it down, she wont ever admit blame or fault. Its suffocating

prior to moving in, we got on well and seemed to have some semblance of a good relationship. I do feel quite exploited and used - Im sure this isnt the case as I think its more complciated than this but I feel like now she has the new house, she has stopped trying with me.

Please advise! Would welcome any kind of guidance

[endofmywick]

I have read back through the above and am painting myself far more sympathetically than I deserve Im sure, and probably her as a bit of a devil; but finding this so toxic and also the issues so deep-rooted that it's difficult to be objective.

[LangSpartacusCleg]

One of you needs to move. And you are right. It is probably going to have to be you. Family sucks.

[endofmywick]

I think another key thing is that she sees our problems as deep-rooted sibling issues rooted in childhood or teenagehood perhaps and so every time we discuss how to get past things, I am faced with a long list of faults, tantamount to a character assassination of what I am doing wrong. I find this aggressive and quite provocative - she is not keen on the concept of letting stuff go / choosing your battles...

I am more of a this is wrong/can we address this please so will try and approach it as, I think your behaviour can be quite rude and aggressive sometimes, e.g. when you snap at me when I ask how you're doing / when I cook for you and you then make dinner for yourself the next day and refuse me a portion... To which she will respond that I am starting to make an argument.

I am far from perfect and have caused issues, for example, spending all evenign cooking at which point she came downstairs and spooned the dinner I'd made into bowls, one for her and one for leftovers. None for me. I lost it, chucked one over the worktop and spilled some (clear coloured) liquid on her floor in frustration. Unaccpetable I know but I was beyond frustrated and just felt completely used... Like chief cook and bottle washer, good enough to cook but not good enough to thank or actually deserve to eat the food I had made...

Another strategy I have tried is giving her a tase of her own medicine e.g. if she refuses to give me something, I will do the same to her. she doesnt like this at all and it feels petty and vindicitive.

I am completely out though and just dont know what to do.

[endofmywick]

Lang

Thank you! Sorry for the epic novel. I am furious and very resentful - this is the best place I have ever lived.

[Ikeatears]

I can sometimes have a similar relationship with my sister. I love her very much but don't always like her. We have always, since adulthood, found living together difficult (we have done on a few occasions for varying lengths of time). Now, we maintain our best relationship by living apart.
It's sad but we never cohabited well together as adults. Too different and yet too similar I lots of ways

[endofmywick]

Thanks Ikea - I think that's it, we are very similar but also incredibly different - chalk and cheese really

I wish she would do the decent thing and move out - I am not sure I will be able to forgive her if she doesn't as this does feel like my home! I have been here 18 months and am very settled. She won't do it though.

[endofmywick]

I love her but at times really, really dislike her.

[springydaff]

Is she on the tenancy?

[endofmywick]

Basically I would be happy to have a surface / fake relationship while we are living together and not argue at all, if possible! Just for us both to let things go and ease up on the small things. Be chill...

She would, it seems, only be ok if I behave impeccably and we straighten out all of the issues from the past, I never put a foot out of place and she doesn't have to make an effort - e.g. if she doesn't help em with something, I say it is unfair, that is starting an argument... Not constructive criticism ever...

She is veryyy black and white / literal in her thinking and sees things in a clear cut way. Eg I am a bully and when she refuses my requests for help, she is standing up for herself. She is keen to believe that she is the injured party and I am the big, bad, dominant twin who she is finally asserting herself against. To her, this is not a level playing field and she is making up for (it seems to be sometimes to me) years of perceived injustices.

[endofmywick]

Springy - it is a lodger agreement, we both have signed separate ones.

My LL has a vague idea that we have a toxic relationship as we have argued in his earshot and I have briefly spoken with him about it, but dont think its fair to involve him further.

[Lilymossflower]

To be brutally honest she sounds like a narcissist.

The only way to deal with narcissists is to move them out and go lowest contact possible

Of course when it's a family member especially that's a really extra hard thing to do.

Walking on eggshells In your own home. Scratch marks on your face from her anger. Telling you your the one causing an issue when you bring up how she is not treating you fairly. Etc

The only way this will resolve is by her moving out preferably asap

[Lilymossflower]

• on your hand

[Ifeelinclined]

My older sister is violent. I can handle a lot, but not violence. You probably have some long- standing issues/ roles from your childhood. You will not gain anything by living with her. She needs to leave. ASAP. I say this kindly, but you cannot make this work, so stop trying. I know it's hard.

[endofmywick]

Thanks all

Interesting point about narcissism - I dont think she is but I do think she has a gaping black hole of having any empathy towards me. She has never expressed any from what I can remember. It is all about her needs and wants, and mine are rarely if ever considered

Interesting she is like that with other things - it is her needs and wants and everything else comes after.

[Cissyandflora]

It sounds as though your sister has emotionally unstable personality disorder. And you maybe do too. From childhood distress and trauma. One of you will need to move out anyway. It may be easier for you to do it. Otherwise if you force her to move this will be another example of your ‘bullying’ her and she will be forever resentful.

[skeptile]

Quite similar to my elderly mother and her twin. My aunt went and saw some kind of psychic who said that my mother had assaulted her in the womb! My aunt loves this story - her victimhood confirmed even before she was born. My aunt is also very selfish, and would never do the kind and generous things for DM that DM does for her. (DM is no saint, but is helplessly goaded by my aunt - meditation has helped DM hugely.) They love each other, but the relationship is toxic. Really feel for you. It's unpleasant to witness.

[reefedsail]

Why don't you just stop doing things for her and asking her to do things for you?

Take a big step back and live round each other. You seem to be exacerbating the situation by repeatedly 'helping' her and then expecting her to do the same for you- which she clearly doesn't want. It sounds like you need to get your nose out of her business TBH.

[ThanosSavedMe]

Stop trying to help her and expecting her to want to help you. Treat her like another lodger rather than your twin.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Another voice to say, just stop interacting without telling her that's what you're going to do. Polite but cool. If she asks you eg about your day, just reply 'nothing much happened thanks. You?' Don't offer to cook or shop for her, there's no need.
How's the houseshare configured, is there a communal sitting room or do you visit each other in your rooms?

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

I don't understand why you're exacerbating things, for example deliberately looking at her laptop and going "ooh" - tbh I'm cringing at you.

You don't like her. She doesn't like you. Stop offering her things. Cook for yourself only and eat in your room. Stay away from each other and just prepare as much as you can to move out once things are back to normal.

[Cherrysoup]

You sound as bad as each other, looking at her screen when you know she wants to keep work private, interrupting her when she’s in a meeting. Seriously, move out, it isn’t worth the hassle.

[slipperywhensparticus]

Just treat her like a stranger polite and nothing more no cooking for her no getting bits from the shop for her etc etc

[billysboy]

Blimey
I think you have just described my Sister !

the only solution that I have found is to go NC or low contact as she can make my blood boil in an instant

Move out will be the for the best

[VettiyaIruken]

Stop offering her things and stop asking her for things.

Don't "publicly shame her on Facebook".

It takes 2 people to argue. A person can't argue by themselves. If you remove your part in it, she can flap her mouth to herself.
You are both coming up to 30. Having physical altercations? That has to stop doesn't it?

You can't change her but you can change yourself. Honestly look at your part in this and change what you can. You don't need her permission to step back. You just do it.

Yes, ultimately you may have to move, which would be a pain. But if it is move out or carry on as a nearly 30 year old woman having scratch fights with your twin.

If that was me, I'd have my bags packed before you could say TCP and a band aid.

[pisces12]

Can your landlord ask her to move out?
I'm sure they don't like living in that environment as much as you do..