How to stop being so jealous?

[Malina1]

My boyfriend had a lot of casual sex prior to me. We have been together a year now, completely faithful. I just can't get over the fact that he is friends with them all, all seem nice and decent women and that many of them wanted him for sex after he had put a stop to it all as it suited them to have no strings till Mr Right came along. I never had this level of experience. I find myself looking at their pictures on social media and comparing myself and torturing myself about how good in bed they were. Its deeply insecure of me, i know i have a lot of great traits so I really would like to get over it. Any ideas?

[CursedDiamond]

Honestly, I think that it's good to poke feelings of jealousy and try to work out why you feel that way. I think you've in part highlighted what's going on already - you're feeling insecure. Try to think why you are feeling like that all of a sudden - is there anything your partner can do to reassure you, or is this something you need to work through on your own? Don't forget, he is with you now. Is he making you feel loved, appreciated and valued?

I think that sometimes it's normal to feel a bit jealous that you missed out on a chunk of life with someone you care about. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months, and recently met his ex-partner. They parted mutually and amicably, and still have a lot of affection for each other. It gives me the tiniest little pull that she's known him for 15 years, and they have so much shared history together. I don't think that's unreasonable - but it's what you then do with it (we talked about it...).

[Eckhart]

It was casual sex with them but he chooses to be your boyfriend rather than theirs?
Put simply: You won.

[NameChangeNugget]

He’s with you, that’s the biggest compliment

[grincheux]

You weren't an option back then. Now he's met you and wants YOU! Hooray! Stop looking at exes. Start focusing on why he's with you instead of why he was ever with anyone else. Once you crack that you'll feel so much better.

[Malina1]

I don't really see it as winning really, it was good timing for us. It's probably the sexual thing, he has had lots of women and made them happy enough to want more but I feel extremely inexperienced which fuels my insecurity. He says he is very happy but I don't like that they wanted him back (for sex)

[Eckhart]

The point is, he's your boyfriend, not theirs. He chose you. They wanted him back, but he said no to them, and yes to you.

[Eckhart]

They should be jealous of you!

[Malina1]

@Eckhart it's a bit more complex as in they all had agreements about sex only, not relationships. It just makes me very insecure as it's not something I had ever encountered. When I looked on Instagram, all seemed normal, nice, decent women, ie nothing I can hate!

[rvby]

hey all had agreements about sex only, not relationships. It just makes me very insecure as it's not something I had ever encountered

Can you explain this more. If it's something you hadn't encountered before, why would that automatically lead to you feeling insecure? Those two things don't always go together, most of the time folk just notice that others are different from them, observe it, and then think about something else.

Can you say a bit more? You do need to properly understand why you are jealous, before you can do much else with the feeling.

[Eckhart]

Sorry? You need to hate your boyfriend's exes in order to be secure in your relationship with him?

[Malina1]

@rvby the problem was that he had so many relationships based on sex in the past, casual ones. In my mind it worries me as I think they must be all wild and exciting in bed.

@Eckhart bad choice of words, it's that when I saw all the pictures, everyone was nice and normal, women I'd be friends with. I just feel frustrated that so many have been in bed with him and I'm building it up to be as though everyone was a sex goddess.

[Eckhart]

But that's even better for your ego. Even if they all are amazing in bed, 100 times better than you, you clearly have something he wants that they can't offer him. Being good in bed isn't everything.

[Eesha]

I think accept he has a past like everyone has, and try and enjoy what you have now. It's nice he gets on with them, shows he isn't a sleaze!

[rvby]

Why do you think that casual sex is "sex goddess" sex? It's just sex. And usually if its casual in nature, it's simply to scratch an itch and is often not that great, fun and a relief sure, but often not great.

Even if they were all "sex goddesses" - does that mean you can't have lovely sex with your partner?

Are you aware that sex isnt a competition or a statement of worth.... like... him shagging them isnt a sign that they are somehow "special". Its literally just sex. It's an activity, it's not cosmic magic that makes women "goddesses" just because some man decided to do that activity with them.

Do you think your attitudes towards sex might need to be looked at a bit more critically? You seem to take the subject WAY too seriously tbh... no wonder you're suffering all these agonies over it.

[dontgobaconmyheart]

Honestly OP maybe they were good in bed and so on? The thing is....so what . The expectation that we are the best pur partner has ever had, or need to be is unrealistic- I've enjoyed the sex life I had with all my boyfriends, they were all good in bed and I fancied them - at the time. It doesnt need to be made into something to beat yourself up with.

Other women are not your competition OP, don't get bogged down in that sort of nonsense. This whole 'you won't stuff is nonsense as well. It speaks well of him (you'd hope) that women who seem decent that you'd get on with, also thought he was alright. It's lovely that the timing worked and you and he have got together - everyones a winner and im sure most off those women are with someone else anyway by this point in time.

They probably wanted him back because a decent FWB is hard to find. He's with you, he likes you, you don't need to outperform something you have no idea even existed.
Not sure what else to say OP. Stop looking them up online! Draw a line under that, talk about your insecurity with him, if he's that great he will understand. You amount to more than what sex you offer and I'm sure he agrees.

[SandyY2K]

It seems they didn't see him as settling down material and probably vice versa.

I'm not sure I'd be happy if my BF had sex with all these women and was still friends with them all.

Would he be okay if you were still friends with a whole load of guys you slept with and they were on your SM?

[Booksareforkids19]

Maybe you don’t like that he has had casual sex or he has had many partners. I’m the same way. It’s extremely attractive to see that a guy has standards and doesn’t bed just any lady.

In your case, you either accept his past or move on.

[rvby]

I do agree with pp in that if you think men who have casual sex, and can maintain friendship with women after having sex with them, are somehow not good people, then please cut this guy loose. He sounds a cracking shag so release him back into the community if you dont want him! But ffs don't make yourself miserable being with someone who, simply by virtue of their past which they cannot change, makes you feel shit. That way madness lies.

My exh was like you, he married me anyway and then ruined my life and his own by being appallingly, pathetically jealous. Dont do that to yourself or him. Find a virgin. I am being slightly facetious but at the same time, I'm trying to warn you, seriously.

[Malina1]

Some excellent advice @rvby @dontgobaconmyheart, that really made me think. Yes, they liked him as wasn't long term material and a great shag and I certainly need to avoid comparing myself as we are pretty great together in our own way. @SandyY2K, he actually would be fine with me being friends with exes as he is genuinely very secure with things like that, much more than me.

Thank you all for the advice!