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DH has ANGER problem, needs help but refuses! Now wants a divorce.......

(13 Posts)
ShockedToHaveToAskThis Fri 24-Aug-07 18:24:57

Sorry, I just posted this under a different thread title but think this is more appropriate....sorry to duplicate..

I'm a regular but changing name for obvious reasons.

I'll try and make this as short as I can.....

Dh had awful childhood, no love, beatings, the works. As a result (pretty sure that's to blame), he's become an angry person, he's crap with dealing with emotion, crap at being supportive, easily depressed and very snappy/picky. He's also a lazy git!

Right, I'm 31 and dh is 46 but I've always been the mother and he's always been the baby. Been with him for 11 years now and am tired of it.

I'm so bored of the amount of times me and h have talked about the way he treats me, he really can be quite an arse. The way he was brought up and the way it was at boarding school made him a very regimental person and everything has to be in it's place so he gets very ANGRY when say he comes home from work and ds's room (he's 4 btw) is messy. I'm a childminder and currently have 4 children under the age of 5 to look after so I can't always be monitoring how tidy ds's room is!!! That's just one example but it's a HUGE thing with dh! Along with the fact he hates it when a bed isn't made properly and will get really ANGRY about that. He gets really ANGRY when it rains 'I fu*king hate this country!!', he gets really ANGRY if the service in a restaurant/shop isn't good 'Oh, the f*cking service in this country!' and so on. About 6 months ago, dh totally lost it, had a major breakdown, was frightening!!! This thread says more...www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=2100&threadid=286478&stamp=070824153008

It was so bad that I explained to h that he gets help or we're finished. Because he was so bad, beating himself etc etc, he agreed and we went to the Dr together. Counselling was prescribed and we had a 3 month wait for the letter to arrive. He made an appointment but cancelled and never re booked. Things HAD been fantastic since the breakdown, almost like he let out years worth of stuff. Anyway, he starts being horrible again last week and the nice dh didn't come back. We talked last night, it was all calm and no shouting, surprise really! Anyway, I mentioned the counselling and asked when he was going to rebook and he made it perfectly clear he WILL NOT SEE A SHRINK!!! He'd either lied or he's changed his mind. His anger needs dealing with, it really does. His sister is ashamed of him etc etc. Instead of agreeing to get an appointment, last night he told me he thinks we should get a DIVORCE!

So, either he really thinks this OR he's trying to get me off his back about the counselling. My bf and sil have both said they think he's playing games and hoping to win me round, they told me not to back down. So, I've agreed with what he said by saying 'if that's what you think then ok', we talked about how to do this and I explained that as I have feelings for him, I can't have him just living on the sofa and we carry on with life, I'm a childminder and therefore in the house a lot more than him and I just couldn't handle him being there but not iyswim, I'll get all confused and be in limbo land.

What I want to know is what should I do next? He's ok about going but he says he needs to sell some of his stuff first which I think is part of his game playing. I should just tell him to go now shouldn't I? He has NO family to go to, no friends he can just stay with as all his age and married with kids. We're tight for money so he can't just get himself a place like that but maybe I should suggest he get a b&b or something for now?

PLEASE HELP, I'm totally lost, disappointed, devastated that he thinks so little of us that he'd rather divorce etc. I need the strenth to carry this through. I can't carry on being treated the way I do.....I do EVERYTHING, work from early morning til 6.30, do overnight care sometimes, and from 6.30 when I finish work I'm rushing around cleaning, tidying, washing up, hoovering then bathing ds and putting him to bed asap so dh can relax - WTF angry - I end up sitting down about 8ish but dh is home from 5.50pm!!! Oh, and I'm soon back up to make dinner as we take it in turns.

I said to dh last night.....if we split up I'll have to do this extra.....put the rubbish out, cut the grass and errrrr that's it! I said at least being on my own I won't be disappointed with having an uncaring lazy husband, won't have to rush the night time routine as I'd be far more relaxed as no rush, wouldn't have someone picking at me for this that and the other when I'm working my butt off all day!! Actually, I didn't say it that bad as was all calm but it made him realise and he decided rather than change, we'll get a divorce as "you can do better!"

NOW, what's my next move?????? hmm

p.s. don't want ds turning out like his daddy, that's why this is so important to me!

McEdam Fri 24-Aug-07 18:39:40

Um, you are spot on with your PS. Dunno about advice, not sure I can pick my way through this one. But you are already effectively very close to a single parent, tbh.

If he wants a divorce, then he has to leave. It's that simple, essentially. If he doesn't go, then it's just game-playing. And he's taking the risk that you will get so tired of it you will actually just chuck him out.

McEdam Fri 24-Aug-07 18:40:49

Maybe he's scared of counselling, btw. I know sometimes I'm too scared to make a big change and procrastinate - nothing this serious but possibly he's scared and it's coming out as anger because that's how he's been brought up.

ShockedToHaveToAskThis Fri 24-Aug-07 18:47:39

Thanks, funny you should say that, I've just been on the phone to his sister and she said the veru same thing about him being scared, she said whatever I do, I have to stick to my guns!

He did send me a text 10 mins ago (must have taken ages as only ever done a couple of texts) and it said 'I love u and ds so much i don't know what to do to make it better' and i replied 'I've told you but u chose divorce, thats how much u love us!' I asked his sister what she thought and she thought it was spot on as even though he'll be upset, this is very much needed, for his sake too!

So, not sure where he is, what he's doing but I'm off to put ds to bed and see what happens.

All I want is for him to seek help, I'll put up with stuff in the meantime (to a point) but I need to know this appointment is booked before I can let him back into my heart. Do you understand? I hope I'm doing the right thing hmm

ShockedToHaveToAskThis Fri 24-Aug-07 19:16:16

Well not heard back so called him but no answer so left a message (was asking him to get something we need If he's coming home as he's out already and I have ds to put to bed). Not heard back. Now, I'm worried but then a part of me thinks this is what he wants. He knows my worst fear is to upset him enough to make him do something silly to himself. Does he want me to worry, that's the thing? It could be part of his game but I just don't know. He left work at 5.30 and works 10 mins away, admit he said he needed to drive around til petrol light on car came on due to removing the fuel tank tomorrow - but if he text me at 6.30 then he wouldn't have been driving.

God knows what he's doing - he really pisses me off!! (sorry about the rant)

Raggydoll Fri 24-Aug-07 19:30:46

If you are able to come to terms with a divorce in you're own head it will make it much easier to think rationally and be slightly more detached about it all.

It isn't your fault if he does something silly and if he thinks you wouldn't feel to blame or guilty if he did then he won't bother ifswim.

In short I think he IS playing games. I would refuse to play them tbh - if he has requested divorce then go online and complete a housing application form for HIM. You can also print off divorce papers which may make him realise the seriousness of the situation.

lulumama Fri 24-Aug-07 19:34:19

sounds like he is so afraid of confronting his own demons, he would rather divorce

maybe that is the answer, as you cannot live with him like this, especially as you do not want DS to perpetuate the cycle

it might be you work better as a divorced couple, as it were, especially if you do the majority of household chores etc and work.

living without him might be more bearable and relaxed

it might also push him ot get help with his anger and other issues that are obviously very destructive

sorry you are going through this

ShockedToHaveToAskThis Fri 24-Aug-07 19:47:07

Raggydoll - thanks so much, I didn't know you could get these things online, off to print them now. He did come back and said he was driving when I called and that he wasn't ignoring me. I suppose part of me has got my head around divorce because we've been there, done that, just never said that word! Yes, I think is IS playing games too. I can't make excuses for his behaviour anymore. I feel very sorry for him that he had such a terrible, terrible time as a child - all 3 kids are messed up! BUT.....if I let him carry on, history will only end up repeating itself. Interestingly......my mum always put up with stuff from my dad and we thought they shouldn't be together (they still are) and I used to sweat I NEVER EVER LET A MAN BE LIKE THAT WITH ME (i.e. make me tread on eggshells) and look at me. I can't let this carry on and WILL NOT have my son thinking this is the way to treat women and I also will NOT have him copying daddy's ANGER - he's only 4 and already showing signs of it (although not sure if part of it is his age anyway). Right.....need to find out how to get these things online you mentioned!

lulumama - totally agree. Someone mentioned that I'm almost a single parent anyway - YES, I've felt like that since the start!!! The only things I LOOSE as far as the help he gives is - him putting rubbish out, mowing lawns (actually, I've done more of that since we moved to this house) and a Saturday lie in. THAT'S IT!!!

Feeling much much stronger already, thanks everyone!!

ShockedToHaveToAskThis Fri 24-Aug-07 19:49:19

Raggydoll - sorry about typing blush I meant swear I'd blablabla about my mum wink

McEdam Fri 24-Aug-07 20:31:50

Glad this thread has helped.

ShockedToHaveToAskThis Fri 24-Aug-07 21:17:17

Yes it did, thanks It made me feel I was right to do what I was doing and be strong.

I now have a very sorry dh who has admitted he's wrong and promised he'll rebook the appointment and in the meantime try much harder to deal with things better.

He knows I won't put up with it anymore and that I've done my homework and worked things out - just to make him realise he can't emotionally blackmail me.

Anyway, thanks so much xx

McEdam Fri 24-Aug-07 22:54:21

Good! Don't let him get away with any backsliding, now, will you? smile

ShockedToHaveToAskThis Sat 25-Aug-07 10:47:26

No I WON'T!! And as soon as I feel it starts.....I'll be back here to get the strength to stay tough about it!! wink

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