Very distant from husband during pregnancy

[JY8819]

I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and since the very start of the pregnancy I feel like things have been going south between me and my husband...

I couldn't be happier about the pregnancy and we had planned the baby but since I told him I was pregnant at 5 weeks he's been really off. When I told him he said 'I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say' in a flat, monotone voice, said he wasn't excited just because it didn't seem real to him which I kind of got because the changes were happening to me. He got grumpier and grumpier and seemed irritated whenever I talked about the baby, he was disappointed to hear we were having a girl because he wanted a boy and generally didn't seem at all interested or excited. He was also not very supportive when I had morning sickness (fortunately all better now!)...again he seemed annoyed that I was tired and unwell and didn't offer to help me with anything or did it begrudgingly.

Anyway about 2 weeks ago all this finally came to a head. I totally lost it with him when we went shopping for nursery items and he was being completely miserable and complaining about the cost of everything (we both are lucky enough to earn a good wage he's just very tight). I lost it and walked out of the shop, took our car and left him there so he had to get a taxi home. It brought everything out as we had a huge row when he got back and he broke down in tears saying he'd been acting like this because he was terrified about the baby and wasn't sure if we'd made the right decision getting pregnant.

He said he wasn't even sure when we were trying but knew children would be a deal breaker for me so 'went along with it' and now he felt like he regretted it as he would have just left it. He said he loved what we had and didn't want to risk ruining everything by having kids and things changing. It was great he finally told me the truth instead of acting like a obnoxious teenager 24/7 but this has really terrified me. I didn't have a go at him I tried to emphasise as he can't help being scared but I was furious that he 'went along with' getting pregnant he should have talked to me about this before we started trying. He's always said he wanted kids before so this was news to me!

Again..I know he can't help feeling like this but I feel extremely lonely and like I'm doing this all by myself. The heart to heart has not changed his attitude, he's less grumpy but still doesn't offer to help out and is not remotely interested in feeling the baby move, touching my stomach or talking about the baby. I feel like he's going to be zero use during the labour and potentially after the baby arrives and it's made me question our entire relationship which I was previously happy with. It's made me resent him and respect him less...we're fighting a lot and sleeping in separate rooms half the time. Sitting in separate rooms the rest of the time, it's really not good.

He says he thinks he'll be fine when the baby comes but I've not seen any evidence of this. If I say I'm tired I feel like he has to match it by saying how tired he is...it's really weird just like he's incapable of expressing any empathy about the pregnancy. I know I'm likely over sensitive too but I just feel so different towards him. We're also not having sex at all which isn't helping the distance.

I don't know what to do to make this better...he's not good at talking about things and would rather just stick his head in the sand and honestly I'm not sure what to talk about - he can't help not being happy about the situation - I can't help being pissed off about it.

[CanuckBC]

Get yourselves into marriage counselling ASAP. Also, be on the watch for PND for yourself due to the anxiety this is causing you during your pregnancy.

He is being a spiteful asshole. This is his issue and he should be supporting you no matter what. He chose to not discuss it and went along with getting you pregnant. Baby is on the way whether he likes it or not. He needs to step up his game.

I would be furious at him!

[LighteningRidge]

I can't really offer any real advice but I can tell you that I understand how you're feeling. I'm 30 weeks and I have given up with DP being overly interested in the baby. He has left me to do everything and more. He also has form for the "woe is me" when I tell him I slept badly due to PGP. The only thing I can say is that he is already a dad and he obviously loves his children so I wonder if it is the age old 'you become at mum the moment you know you're pregnant, he becomes a dad the moment the baby is born'.

I really hope things work out and you can move forward together. He needs to get over himself, scared fine but being a dick is not on. I think pp is right about counselling and if I were you I would ask a relative or close friend to look out for you during & post birth. I have asked that my mum makes any decisions that I cannot make during birth (she did this with my sister) and I have also asked that if she suspects PND to march me to the GP. Make sure you have someone on your side if he fails to be there!

Look after yourself.

[Modestandatinybitsexy]

What awful behaviour! From your point of view everything was rosy and then he turned into an arsehole overnight!

It sounds like you took it easy on him during your argument because he told you how he feels but as he hasn't actually evaluated his behaviour and has carried on being an arse you need to tell him to step up. You need to spell out how lonely and resentful you're feeling. You both chose this, he wasn't passive in ttc, you didn't do it without him so why is he making you go through this alone? If he has no answers for these questions can you move back to your parents for support for a little while for some tlc?

[Aquamarine1029]

This is awful, op. It's normal to have some jitters and anxiety over a new baby, but your husband has taken his arseholery to a shocking level. He sounds utterly pathetic to be honest. I think I would demand immediate couples therapy. Brushing this under the rug until after the baby is born would be a massive mistake. I would like to think he'll snap out of it once the baby is born, but sadly I don't have much hope for that.

[avocadoincident]

I agree with first poster, get yourself to counselling if he will go. It will help him explore his anxiety around fatherhood and you'll feel like he's making effort to improve his dire behaviour towards you.

Failing that, when the baby comes things might change for him. If they don't fear not. You will be empowered from giving birth and can cross that bridge when you come to it.

For now try and focus on yourself and your lovely bump. Do you have real life support, friends you can go and do some nice pampering things with or shopping trips? You may need to forge your own path for now

[Suppertimelove]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

You need to be plan for the worst hope for the best here when the baby arrives.

Don’t let him use the ‘I didn’t really want this’ line to get out of parenting when the baby is here! Have you got practical support elsewhere?

[CrystalShark]

Relationship therapy. Immediately. If you’re both on a good salary you can likely afford sessions with Relate.

This is just awful. I initially was leaning towards being concerned about him until I read that he actively TTC with you despite claiming now he had doubts at the time, and seems to be doing nothing to try come to terms with your current situation and make the best of it. He’s being very selfish and self absorbed, to have a pregnant wife going through so many physical and hormonal changes growing his child and be so entirely focused on his own nerves and regret. He hasn’t thought for a minute what this is doing to you. Or tried to dredge up any show of support from the sound of it. He doesn’t seem to be showing much willing and my fear is that he’s sowing the seeds now so that not too far down the line he can leave you and get back to his unemcumbered single life, leaving you to do the bulk of the child rearing.

You must feel so devastated and vulnerable, it’s actually cruel of him to put this on you and you sound far too kind and understanding towards him and are at risk of being treated like a doormat. He could have gone and accessed support for himself, counselling, sought advice from other fathers to be or found groups, leaned on family and friends, to ensure you’re not put through this stress. But he hasn’t. I can’t imagine what he thinks will happen now.

Counselling ASAP. However much he’s struggling it’s been his own doing to have tried despite having doubts, and now this baby exists he’s gonna have to find a way to stop navel gazing and start stepping up as a husband and father to be. And if he can’t you're probably better off on your own rather than dealing with this every day.

So sorry. Should be an amazing time and he’s done this. Congrats on your daughter. Sounds like she has a very strong minded and compassionate mum. If it comes down to it you’re all she needs, just make sure you’re leaning on people who love you for support.