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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Did I just miss my best shot at love?

16 replies

dreamsinblue · 10/09/2019 22:03

A few months ago I met a man and started a whirlwind romance. At the time he was planning on moving to another country for good so I didn't expect too much of it but we fell hard for each other. But he's leaving soon and we decided not to continue our relationship as I don't want to move (it's hard to get jobs in my field there) and he doesn't want to stay in London.

I feel so sad. He was a great boyfriend. The other issue is that I'm nearly 40 and I really want to have kids. He wants kids too but not as urgently as me. Plus, we had issues with sex as he found it hard to maintain an erection. But he was kind, supportive and lovely. I feel like time is running out and I was single for so long before this. Maybe I could've got past the sex thing?

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koffeetoast · 10/09/2019 23:04

I would say since it was only a few months get back out there and try and meet someone else.

Maybe you could've got past the sex thing but why should you have to. If he csnt maintain an erection he should look in to getting help. That could become an issue for you when trying to conceive.

dreamsinblue · 11/09/2019 09:00

Yes, he's not interested in getting help about that.

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TheStuffedPenguin · 11/09/2019 09:06

The sex is irrelevant here when ....

But he's leaving soon and we decided not to continue our relationship as I don't want to move (it's hard to get jobs in my field there) and he doesn't want to stay in London.

FuriousVexation · 11/09/2019 09:07

I'm going to sound brutal and harsh - sorry.

You're nearly 40. You are reaching the very end of your fertile years. If you are sure you want children, get fertility testing so you know the viability of your eggs. You can then choose to have a child with donor sperm if everything looks good.

This man is not going to make good father material.

dreamsinblue · 11/09/2019 09:48

Bring on the tough love! He would be a good dad as he's very caring and kind but I don't think it's something he's ready for now as he's about to start a whole new life

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FineWordsForAPorcupine · 11/09/2019 10:34

Well, he wouldn't be a good dad, would he? Because he doesn't want to be a dad. He's "not ready" and he's leaving the country and wants to focus on his career.

That may change in the future - who knows? - but right now, he is telling you loud and clear that he does not want kids. Maybe it's "not right now" but that is no use to you. You want someone who wants kids in the immediate future, not some mysterious future time.

dreamsinblue · 11/09/2019 11:07

Very true. It's just so depressing to be single again and have to start all over. It took so long to find a good one. Who knows how long it will take to find the next one!

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MiniTheMinx · 11/09/2019 11:18

My mother's advice to me was this

"If you really really love someone you'd live in a box under a pier"

One has to be practical, does this person have similar goals and needs, are you compatible and are your life goals compatible?

Or do you love this person so much that you are willing to put them before everything else?

It's really that simple.

He hasn't put you before his ambition. You haven't put him before your desire to settle and have children, or the practicalities of working and supporting yourself.

It doesn't sound much like love.

You need to move forward and look for someone who not only wants what you want, but someone who wants you above all other things!

Windmillwhirl · 11/09/2019 11:23

To be fair, he told you at the very start he was going to be moving away. You chose to spend time with him.

I agree with the others, this isn't the man for you. He also doesn't want to address his ED issue, which would be problematic if he wasn't leaving.

dreamsinblue · 11/09/2019 11:25

Mini that was a really beautiful post. It doesn't help that I am terrified of commitment myself. The thing is even though I have loved people deeply, I've never met anyone I would put above all other things and I'm starting to worry that I won't.

I do know if I had moved for this guy I would have resented him for making me potentially give up my career.

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HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 11/09/2019 11:32

He was t the right one. The right one doesn’t get away.

This was just the best one so far, personality-wise. But health wise (floppy) and life-stage wise (emigrating) and future-plans wise (doesn't want kids yet) he wasn’t right, was he?

This feels like rushing back to buy a coat that doesn’t fit, and is the wrong colour, because the other shops are closing. Remember how miserable that is? Then you have a coat, but it never really makes you feel good when you wear it. And you look at it and your heart sinks.

As opposed to finding THE coat, that always makes you feel BEAUTIFUL.

The shops aren’t closing. Look online. Get a personal shopper.

dreamsinblue · 11/09/2019 11:44

As someone who loves to shop that is a great analogy, HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo!

I just remember thinking after my last relationship (a very long time ago) broke down that I would like someone who I could talk to about anything and who would be my best friend. Then this guy came along and fit the bill! What are the chances?! But there were all these other issues. So disappointing.

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MiniTheMinx · 11/09/2019 12:17

Brilliant analogy HasThisSoddingName

What are the chances......very good. You have a very good idea of what you want and need. To be able to speak to someone about anything and everything, to get it up and keep it up, to want to be with you more than chasing a new life,.....these are all achievable, you are not asking for too much but you are looking for someone who can at least meet very basic and important standards for you. You have boundaries. Don't settle for less. Every relationship teaches us something important about ourselves and about our own needs. Therefore you are in a better place now to find someone who is right for you

dreamsinblue · 11/09/2019 13:38

I hope so Mini! I feel like if we were younger we just would've continued and seen what happened. So hard when you have to date and be aware of other things like your declining fertility!

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SolitudeAtAltitude · 11/09/2019 13:42

I think the drama of him moving abroad would have added to the romance!

The star crossed lovers, if only he could stay...

it made it super romantic.

dreamsinblue · 11/09/2019 13:51

Yes, definitely Solitude! But in the end we were too pragmatic to romanticise it further. Plus I've been single for so long that I do want an actual relationship. Not seeing someone for a weekend each month.

I think it would've been harder too to see each other for how we really are after the honeymoon period as we would be spending so little time with each other after the move.

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