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Morning After Pill when DH thinks we're 'Trying'

(29 Posts)
benderinabun Fri 16-Aug-19 18:45:34

First ever post in relationships. Don’t know where to start really.
My DH is by Mumsnet terms an angel. He’s a massively hands on Dad, does more childcare than me (both work FT, he works shifts). I’m by nature very lazy and he lets me get away with it (to an extent). He does all the cleaning, food shopping & cooking when he’s home.
I think a large part of our relationship issues are caused by not spending any quality time together. We have been out on our own in the evening just once in the past 2 years, we’ve sort of lost touch with the couple we were pre DC I think.
I spend a LOT of evenings on my own, probably 5/7. Three weekends out of four I’m solo parenting. Pre DC this sort of worked as I’d use that time to socialise with friends, now I can’t leave the house as easily, we both tend to make our social plans when the other is home to babysit. Consequently we see even less of each other and less of our friends although TBH he doesn’t have many.
I really enjoy going to work (although my current job isn’t that great) mainly for the social side of it, and if I’m honest male attention. It’s kind of reminded me I’ve still ‘got it’. We never have sex, he suffers from premature ejaculation which wasn’t an issue when we had more time for foreplay but now it’s so few and far between it’s over in seconds and really I get nothing out of it.
He wants another baby. I always wanted 2 children but now the combination of kind of getting my life back and not being that happy with him has put me off, I think it would make things worse.
We had sex last night and I’m ovulating. I panicked today and went and got emergency contraception which I can’t tell him about- he wouldn’t understand. He thinks we’re trying for a baby. I had 3 early miscarriages last year which I think is also impacting on my broodiness or lack of it. And I really like wine. I think I’ve become too selfish and we’ve forgotten how to be a couple. HELP.

FireBloodAndIce Sat 17-Aug-19 07:28:49

You call yourself lazy, are you lazy or stuck in a rut with no motivation? Its best not to bring another baby in a struggling relationship so you made the best choice there. Im sorry for your losses, I've had myself (am slightly older than you) and it's horrible. Age is a factor statistically but not everyone older will struggle or struggle repeatedly. You could possible have another but only if you want one.

You definitely need an honest conversation but before that you need to decide what you want and what you are willing and able to do so he can make his choices too.

The premature ejaculation- putting a strain on your sex life? A big factor or not so big?
The attention at work, not a good sign, possibility of it leading to an affair or just flirtation?
The lack of time together, sounds like a big one, can you dh change his hours/job? Can you compromise and consider a babysitter too?
The stuff you say you are lazy with, can you get more time together if you werent lazy and worked together?
TTC, do you want Another child or just a delay?

benderinabun Sat 17-Aug-19 07:52:37

Thanks Fire. Sorry for your losses too. Lots of questions to ask myself! I think my main issue is I don’t know the answer to most of the pertinent one (do I want another child at all)?
The sex & flirting bit I don’t think is that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, it’s more a symptom of my unhappiness at home that I’m picking up on things where I wouldn’t normally. I would never ever have an affair but I do find other men attractive now when I didn’t used to.
I definitely need to get my head straight before I talk to him, I don’t want to have to take the MAP again.
And I need to make some changes too. Focus on home and less on work and my friends- I only go out about once a month but there are a lot of messaging groups etc and I sort of feel DH & I have forgotten how to communicate with each other normally.
I do think if our relationship was back to what it was then I would be desperate for baby number 2, as it stands I am loathe to give up the small pleasures I have now (this is the selfish side of me I think) which mainly consists of going to work and spending time with friends. But I would be happy to make those sacrifices if my home life was more enjoyable.

FireBloodAndIce Sun 18-Aug-19 07:17:42

Thanks Bender, i hope if you decide you want dc2 you get it. That sounds good that you're going to talk to dh and you have an idea of what you want. Sorry to bombard you with questions, some will be reliant on what your dh will do too so hard to answer now.

I don't believe it's selfish to grab small pleasures or you time. In fact i think it's a necessity. I think you've ended up with too much you time, lonely time when he's always on shift, which you cant really enjoy like real you time. It's telling that you say about you arent sure about dc2 because of how things are. It sounds like times taken a toll, you are both in a rut but maybe if you can get back to how you are you'll feel that want again? Even if not wanting dc2 you would be happier out of the rut.

Musti Sun 18-Aug-19 09:28:49

You don't have to go out to spend time together. Buy a board game or something that you would both enjoy and requires some interaction and do it when your baby is asleep. Something other than watching something.

Have friends over instead of going out, so you socialise together.

Build up spending and enjoying spending time together.

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