Is this relationship even worth continuing?

[pugtato]

I've been seeing my DP for just over 9 months now. I'm 34, he's 37. He's very kind and caring and is good at supporting me for the most part, especially practically.

I live on my own in a rented house and have done since leaving a long term relationship about a year and a half ago. It's a struggle to pay for everything by myself, but I think I'm doing okay. My DP still lives at home with his parents and has never lived alone. This didn't bother me to be honest because he did (and does) own a house, it's just in disrepair and he's doing it up before moving in.

However, he's very laid back and hadn't been in a relationship for a while so it took some getting used to navigating things like texting back, not being late, etc. but we got there! The one thing I'm constantly exhausted by though is his inability to plan or initiate anything. To be fair, I'm a forward planner and I have ended up initiating most dates due to this as I work 6 or 7 days a week and like to organise my time a few days in advance so it's not wasted. But recently I've gotten annoyed so have taken a step back and it's ended up I'm seeing him less because 1) he's crap at asking me out and 2) he's voluntarily doing overtime every day so he's always tired so prefers to just go home. I've recently handed in my notice for my second (weekend) job so I'll be free again when he is but I just don't feel confident he'll bother unless I ask first. I'm a bit fed up with feeling like I'm not wanted to be honest. When I ask him about it he just says that he doesn't mind what we do and is happy for me to decide but does see where I'm coming from in that I feel undervalued due to his inability to organise dates. He sort of blames it on the fact I work so much as well but even when I have my weekends back I'm not convinced things will change.

Another issue is that, since seeing me, he hasn't really made any effort in sorting out his house. I've encouraged him and offered to help but barely anything has been done. I'm looking forward to the future a bit now and when my lease runs out in 7 months time, I'd hoped that we would think about moving in together (about a year to move in is normal for me). I spoke to him about this last night and expressed my concern, along with the concern that I don't want to be living alone for a long time and he didn't have any idea of a time frame of when his house would be ready and told me he couldn't afford to rent with me due to paying for this house. That's fair enough, but I want to move on with the relationship and this is the next step for me. I'm not happy continuously struggling alone. He suggested me renting a room somewhere instead to save money but I don't want to rent with a stranger and would rather move back home with family (400 miles away) than do that. It would also be impractical because we would never see each other as my place is the only place we currently have to spend time together (other than out and about) and it's starting to wear a bit thin.

I'm worried I'm being unfair but I'm just so fed up of feeling unwanted and being with someone with so little motivation. I do love and care for him but I'm starting to think it's time to cut my losses before I waste my time and his for a relationship that currently can't really progress until he discovers some motivation. It's no one's fault really, I just feel maybe we have different expectations and are at different points in life that aren't quite compatible. I just need to feel like my DP wants to spend time with me and is willing to make the effort every now and again to make me feel special instead of constantly second-doubting the relationship due to lack of effort on his part.

Id' really appreciate any input. Thank you.

[Ellabella989]

I wouldn’t continue with it if I were in that position. Sounds like he is too laidback with everything and needs to get his arse in gear a bit more. You’ll end up waiting and waiting for him and get more resentful as the years pass you by.
If I were you I would move back home, save up some money for 3-4 years and buy your own little place

[chickenlittle12345]

Hi OP, not sure that this is the best advice but I would see how things change once you have finished your second job and have more time available. If he doesn't make a little more effort and this is a deal breaker for you then maybe it's time to part ways. Good luck!

[Nquartz]

To be honest at your age id cut my losses now & move on. If you both were 10 years younger it wouldn't matter but he doesn't sound very grown up or mature. Or that keen, unfortunately. Sorry to be harsh but if he wanted to see you he would make more effort.

[Loopytiles]

He didn’t text you, was late, and doesn’t initiate seeing you.

Living together is hardly on the cards! Even if he did agree to it it’s unlikely to work out given both your behaviour so far.

He has never lived independently and is taking a long time to get his property into a liveable state.

He doesn’t sound at all dynamic, or into you.

Moving in together after 12 months is “usual” for you? That seems very quick, especially if dating someone you didn’t previously know.

[Loopytiles]

Given your age, if you want DC and a partner to share things with, you’re wasting your time with this one.

[hellsbellsmelons]

He has no motivation.
Makes no effort to see you.
Why are you bothering?
He's not that into you.
NEXT..!!!

[ElspethFlashman]

Cut your losses.

He's 37 and doesn't give a shit about much really. He has a nice life. His Mam washes his clothes. He has a girlfriend who makes all the effort. He has a house that he's not that pushed about living in. He has a girlfriend he's not that pushed about living with.

I spoke to him about this last night and expressed my concern, along with the concern that I don't want to be living alone for a long time and he didn't have any idea of a time frame of when his house would be ready and told me he couldn't afford to rent with me due to paying for this house. That's fair enough, but I want to move on with the relationship and this is the next step for me. I'm not happy continuously struggling alone. He suggested me renting a room somewhere instead

I mean, listen to him. He's telling you LOL FUCK NO LOVE in so many words.

Get out with your dignity intact.

[pugtato]

Thanks everyone. I did speak to him about this last night and I think I've done the right thing ending it. I honestly don't think it's from not wanting to spend time with me or not being interested it's just laziness and it's unlikely to change. Plus it makes me feel like that's the issue and it's not a nice place to be.

@Loopytiles It has been normal in the past but I knew the two previous partners I lived with for a long time before and they were definitely different situations (university convenience then moving across the country to be with the other). I wouldn't really expect it to be that quick but I suppose I expect a more solid plan for the future at my age (not babies, marriage etc. just like what we both want from the relationship in the next few months or years). Not necessarily about living together, but this just all feels like it doesn't bode well and I'll be waiting indefinitely for any progression. Thanks :)

[pugtato]

@ElspethFlashman Oh dear, his mam actually does wash his clothes! I've been out living alone or with others since I was 17. I think we are just too different in that regard! I would certainly not want to push him into living with me in his first home where he's alone either. I told him that, I want him to experience that too (I think he's in for a shock!).

[MissDew]

I feel undervalued

There's nothing more to be said. You did the right thing ending it. The amount of, usually women, on the relationships chat thread that have husbands or long term partners like this. Also, trying to parent children with blokes attitude being it's not my job to.....be an adult.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I have a man a bit like this, OP, he only moved out of the family home at 48, into the house he had bought. When I recently suggested that he sold, I gave up my rental and we bought a house together, he said 'oh, but moving is such an effort and makes such a mess!'

That was the nail in the coffin for me and I have backtracked on the relationship completely. I don't honestly think he's even realised.

[pugtato]

@MissDew You're completely right. I have explained this to him again and again but he usually has some excuse and I've kind of started to lose interest. I'm happier not having to worry about him and being on my own for a while :)

@Zaphodsotherhead I'm sorry to hear you've had the same. I honestly think they don't realise what they're doing. It's borne out of complacency I think and I honestly just don't have the energy or inclination to deal with it!

[QueenOfTheCroneAge]

Good grief no. You'd soon turn into his mummy mark 2 if you lived together! good that you ended it, leaving room for the right man. It isn't him!

[ElspethFlashman]

Especially as its unlikely even if you did move in together that he'd wash his own clothes. He'd "forget". A lot.

You'd suddenly find yourself being his Mam and wonder "How the hell did I get here?" but of course he was always like that.

[pugtato]

@QueenOfTheCroneAge @ElspethFlashman

I'm very worried about this too! I don't mind doing housework and caring for my partner, but you're both right. I don't want the constant hassle of having to battle to get him to wash a plate without being asked if we were ever to get that far!