Partner covered up past STD, struggling to conceive .

[Helena112]

Hello, I'm not really sure I'm posing in the correct place. But I'm looking for some advice, as I'm so angry and upset with my husband.

A bit of background.
We fell pregnant in October 2018, but sadly at the 12week scan the baby had in fact stopped growing at 9 and a half weeks. I had to have a D&C.
My periods haven't returned since the missed misscarage almost 8 months ago! I've had numerous appointments and have since been diagnosed with possible PCOS. I've attended most of these appointments on my own. I've been asked by most doctors, is there any change you could have an infection.. I've quickly responded no. I've only ever had one partner this being my husband. He has had 1 past relationship, but I didn't think much of it.

Well before I'm allowed to start Clomid to force ovulation we have to have 3 tests done.. He must have a sperm test, I must have a HGS test and a 3 way swap incase of infection or STIs. (Again I attended this appointment alone) and did explain to the doctor i was very unlikely to have an STI.

After explaining the outcome of the appointment to my husband he said he was sure he didn't have any STIs, too sure.... I asked how he was so sure? He just said he knew... he then said his ex had had Chlymida.. and he was tested and given the antibiotics just as precaution... I wasn't sure he was telling the truth.. it then later came out he was in fact lying. They had both had chlymida ! And both given antibiotics to clear it.

He "thinks" the antibiotics cleared it... he was never called back in to check if the infection had in fact gone.

What hurts the most is that he never told me, I've been with him for 6 years! If I have caught this from him it's been in my body for 6 years and could be the reason why we are having so much trouble.

Am I over reacting to this ? He keeps saying it was in the past and he didn't think it was relevant !
I see it as really relevant !!

I have no symptoms but this week wait for the results is killing me. I'm so close to leaving him. How can he of had an STD and not told me .

Would you expect your husband to have told you of and STD 4 years before you met? That he took antibiotics for ?

Thank you for your time and support xxx

[blackcat86]

I wouldn't expect it to be first date conversation but given the fertility issues you've both been having I would expect him to have put his pride aside and tell you. It's bad enough he would have unprotected sex without checking he's clear but to keep the lie going through this is awful. Is he apologetic at all? Does he realise the potential seriousness of what he may have done and that you could be infected?

[Hwory]

When I was diagnosed with chlamydia I was just given the antibiotics. You don’t get called back in for another check. I assume it’s v unlikely that the antibiotics wouldn’t clear it.

I haven’t told my partner - doesn’t seem relevant.

[Helena112]

@blackcat86
He is extremely apologetic. He says it's part of his past that he didn't think had any effect on me. This makes me question what else is in his past that has no effect on me?

I've told him that if I have been infected that I'm not sure I can stay with him because of the lies and untruthfulness surrounding it.

I'm just not sure if I'm being to irrational? But at the same time he had no intention of telling me until I was advised to go for tests and he eventually let it slip.

[hellsbellsmelons]

4 years before you and he took anti-biotics.
I wouldn't think it relevant either TBH.
Herpes - absolutely.

[JemimaPuddlePeacock]

No, it’s not relevant if he was treated.

If you’re someone who’s careful about your sexual health (as everyone should be!) surely when you decided to stop using condoms in the relationship when it was new you both went for an STI screen to make sure it was safe? That’s what I’ve done in each new relationship, both me and the new partner. Because nobody can be sure they’ve not caught something from an unfaithful partner they never discovered. I’ve never come off condoms with a new partner without us both attending screenings and sharing the results and that’s the practice the majority of my friends ascribe to as well.

You can’t really be mad at him for this when you’ve been happy to have unprotected sex with him without checking out your sexual health first.

[EmmaC78]

I wouldn't expect to be told that either. He was given antibiotics which he took so what would he mention? I think you are overreacting but can understand that if you are having a tough time.

[JemimaPuddlePeacock]

He has had 1 past relationship, but I didn't think much of it.

This is so strange. Anyone can get an STI if they’ve been sexually active whether it’s with one prior partner or fifty. Maybe as he’s your only partner you’ve never received any info or education on sexual health and didn’t realise that to be safe you should always have a sexual health check prior to unprotected sex? Sheltered upbringing? Makes sense that you didn’t as a virgin but not sure why you both didn’t make sure he was checked.

[JemimaPuddlePeacock]

But... I’d be unhappy he lied. That’s not acceptable. And i wouldn’t want to proceed with TTC with someone who’d lie to my face like that, whatever it’s about. So you’re not unreasonable to be angry he lied and it’d make me reconsider things too. But please do educate yourself on sexual health in the future and don’t have unprotected sex with anyone new until you’ve both been screened. It’s the safest way to protect your health.

[CrunchTime0]

No, it’s not relevant if he was treated which he was.

I wouldn’t tell either.

[Helena112]

@JemimaPuddlePeacock
Thank you for your view on this.
We did talk about our sexual health before starting our sexual relationship.. I hadn't been with anyone else so had no chance of having anything.

He was very adamant he had no reason to be checked either (clear now he'd been checked 4 years earlier and treated for chlymidia)

I deeply regret not pushing him further into getting checked out rather than just taking his word for it without a real explanation.

[Helena112]

Thank you all for your views on this. It's really helpful as in too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends about this.
I'm angry that over the last couple of years with us TTC he's had so many opportunities to tell me.. and the fact he knew he'd had the STD and didn't feel it was important to fully check it had gone before having a sexual relationship with me.

[twattymctwatterson]

But he didn't have any reason to worry he had an sti. It's an extremely common infection easily cleared up by antibiotics. It was years before you met.

Full disclosure I caught the same sti from a previous partner and would never disclose that to a new partner because of the stigma involved. It has no bearing on you, you aren't at risk. It sounds like you're trying "blame" him for the fertility issues, you're having.

[Helena112]

@twattymctwatterson
I'm not trying to blame him for our or my fertility issues. I do fully understand that I may not even have this infection. But if I do I've had it for a very long time.. and that won't be helping our fertility.
I just feel let down that he didn't let me know sooner.

[twattymctwatterson]

Op you sound extremely uneducated about sexual health. He had the infection treated 4 years ago. The antibiotics work so well that you are not recalled and tested again. WHY would you have this infection?

PCOS doesn't have a link to chlamydia if that's what you're thinking?

[Helena112]

@twattymctwatterson I know PCOS isn't liked to any form of SDI..
SDIs can lay dormant and some have no or very little symptoms.
I just feel like everything we are going through he should of told me.

[twattymctwatterson]

Why would it be dormant following treatment? It strikes me that you perhaps come from a background that's very religious or conservative background. Do you feel that once someone catches an STI they're forever "tainted" by it in some way, even after treatment?

Would you feel the same way if you found out your partner hadn't disclosed a bout of measles to you?

[TeaForTheWin]

Surely he should have mentioned it whether he felt it was relevant or not. I dunno...trust would be gone for me. Also very weird if he only had one sexual partner and managed to get chlamydia....hmmmmm.

I certainly wouldn't be trying for kids with him any time soon that's for sure.

[lubeybooby]

this won't have affected you at all. as another poster said, they don't get called back to check it's gone. Long as he finished the antibiotics it will have been long gone way before you were ever around.

[twattymctwatterson]

Also very weird if he only had one sexual partner and managed to get chlamydia....hmmmmm.

This is exactly the stigma I'm talking about. The only number of people you need to have slept with if you catch chlamydia is the person who's given it to you.

[Ginnymweasley]

How is it unusual he only had one sexualt partner and then ended up with the infection? He only had to sleep with 1 person who had the infection to get it. He was just unlucky in that respect. The antibiotics will have cleared it up, as far as I know you don't have to go back and get checked once you have been given treatment.
How would you have reacted if he had told you in the beginning? There is no excuse for lying when asked obviously but I do wonder if he was scared of your reaction if he told you. Many people still seem to associate sti's with sleeping around etc and therefore judge people that have caught them.

[AgentJohnson]

He shouldn’t have lied but didn’t you insist he got tested before you stopped using condoms? Now you just have to be patient and go from there.

[Helena112]

@twattymctwatterson I just think it's something he should of told me about. I think it's just polite especially considering all of the appointments and investigation for infertility.

[Helena112]

@AgentJohnson no I never insisted. I just asked and we left it there. I will forever regret not yelling and insisting he has the tests.

[Loopytiles]

Sorry you have fertility issues.

Your H’s past STI is very unlikely to be a factor.

[Loopytiles]

He should have been honest with you, and you should have insisted on tests before stopping using condoms.