My partner doesn't know what he wants!!

[littlemissbee]

I've tried to have a chat to my other half about the future, he's says he doesn't know what he wants. I know that I'd like to buy a house, have some more children (we have just one little girl age 10, ready to go off to high school in september) and I'd love to get married. He doesn't want to do any of these things and wants things to stay as they are, he has agreed to the possibility of having another child if thats what I really want, but it would only be to placate me. I really love him but not sure that I can just give up on the things that I want for our future.

What should I do?

[lulumama]

seems that he does know what he wants, and it is not any of the same things you want

having a child with someone to placate them is very short sighted, and recipe for disaster

if he doesn;t want to settle down ,get married, and have more children, for the simple fact he loves you and wants to build a future with you, you should consider your options very carefully.

[madmarchhare]

Very tricky, but there has to be compromise on boths sides here.

[lulumama]

but IMO , these are things you cannot compromise on

eg... cannot compromise on having more children..you either do or you don;t! ditto with getting married and buying a house

these are absolutes in terms of a relationship

[madmarchhare]

well yes, I suppose what I meant was that his feelings are valid also.

If he is arsing about and will not make his mind up then Id be tempted to make it up for him. Threatened this to DH when he was DP, that soon shook him aout of it. We had no kids then.

[aloha]

Well, agreeing to have another child is a pretty big compromise surely? Why doesn't he want to buy a house?

[littlemissbee]

I haven't kept any of these things a secret from him, he has anyways known what I want from life.
He wishes we had bought a house when I've brought it up in the past, but he comes out with the same excuses for not buying one now that he did every other time I suggested it.
It's a similar argument with more children, he wishes we'd had more when I've suggested it in the past, when our daughter was younger but I don't really believe he's wanted more.
I feel like if I was good enough then surely he'd want all this.

[littlemissbee]

He says buying a house is too scary, what if one of us loses our jobs, what happens if we end up with negative equity and lots of other what if's

[lulumama]

but agreeing to have another child to placate your partner, rather than because you really want another child is not really the same . I don;t think so anyway

hope you resolve things, and can look forward to a happy future

[aloha]

It's not you being not good enough littlemissbee, it's his fearful and pessimistic nature that is his problem. I tend to think you could either be a force of nature and say brightly, 'nonsense, it will be marvellous, I'm going to arrange it all and it will all turn out well', and go ahead and sweep him along with yuor enthusiasm, or go to counselling to help him get to the bottom of his fears and negativity.
The thing is, he admits that you were right and he was irrational, and that's good. I think he is scared and might quite like your making the decisions. If you want another baby and he is ok about it, do it.