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Husband rant alert!(22 Posts)
Have to get this off my chest otherwise i will go and thump him.
Husband was ill last weekend (man flu) so I watched the kids exclusively, did all chores etc. He then went away on business on Mon - Thurs. So again, I've done everything with kids/house - oh and I run my own business. No complaints. He wasn't here.
Today he worked from home. Kids woke up at 5.30am and I got up assuming he was tired from trip. he got up too and said he wanted to spend some time with kids. Fab I thought. i went back to bed.
I woke up ten minutes before the kids were due to go to nursery and figured, oh well, he'll take them. But no. i had to rush to get out the house and take them. We both work at home all day. time to pick boys up. I go to fetch them saying: you could come too. I'm busy he says.
Hmm, let's see. It's month end and have to do all my invoicing and reporting. I only get to work 3 days a week as the rest of the time I am looking after our children and running our house even though I need 5 days to do all my work and so I end up working evenings while he watches TV.
Anyway, I go fetch boys. They of course are thrilled to see daddy, except he's still working. Why can't he just stop for an hour before they go to sleep and resume thereafter. Like I'm going to have to. But no, I entertain children etc.
He finally finishes, then stands up and says: Well I'm going to go pack away the outdoor furniture (got some new stuff that arrived today). So I said: well can't you do that after they've gone to bed and spend some time with them.
So begrudgingly he comes and plays with them. I say: given I still have heaps of work to do, can I go do a bit now while you play with them? And he rolls his eyes as though saying: typical, now I have to look after them.
So I lose it and say that I think it's unfair that if we're both working at home, that he can share the fetching/carrying/looking after of children. To which he says: well I got up with them this morning. Just a reminder that he's been away/supposedly sick for the last week and I've had to do all night wakings, early mornings, visits to doctors, fetching, cooking etc.
I love my boys and happily spend time with them - but this attitude that they are solely my responsibility and that he can just drop in when he fancies seriously pisses me off. I would understand if I didn't have to work but I do.
Sorry. Rant over. I just want to punch him and I know that we're now going to have a lovely evening of either stony silence or big fat fight. Goody Which to choose from.
id thump him for definite and tell him youre having a weekend off from chores/boys and hes doing it all
Erm, your DH may get to hate me for this, but having a similar situation with DH, I said that we had to split the work (he takes DS to school on XYZ and I do on the other days, the day I take care of DS while he is working it is his responsability to bathe DS and put him to bed. If he is away on a business trip or sick, he has to make up for the days he didn't cover his share. THe same applies to me.
Would such an arrangement work in your home?
I do sympathise as I'm often in the same situation.
Men have different brains to us. Have you tried talking rationally to him? If you don't lay it out straight they can't see it and live in their own little worlds totally devoid of household responsibility, i.e. food appears from the shops, it's cooked, put in front of them then cleared away, the loo roll changes itself etc....
My DH is like this but has told me that I have to ask him directly if I want him to do anything. Simple as that!
I doubt your suggestion would work for us isabel. My DH normally does a fair share around the house but he seems to find the kids the biggest chore. But when he's away it all falls on me - and he seems to forget that.
And it's his presumption that fetching/carrying etc is solely my responsibility. Why should that be??
I think he somehow feels that it's his salary that pays for the majority of bills (I pay for all groceries, childcare and luxuries like holidays or emergencies like plumbers - which I feel is a fairly substantial contribution given I only work part time) and therefore his job is more important than mine and therefore he shouldn't have to do things like take kids to nursery as it eats into his oh so busy day.
P.S. There is no such thing as 'only working part-time'!!!!
BElla - I know - about the part time work thing.
Even the day to day social organising and little bits and pieces take time - like baking cakes for the preschool sports day or arranging for friends to come to dinner (and make said dinner) etc. The other thing he NEVER does and doesn't seem to realise how much hard work it is, is the milestones our children go through. Am currently potty training number two and have just shifted number one out of night time nappies. AM trying to get rid of dummy in number two and teach number 1 to write name. None of this stuff he thinks about. He believes it just happens and then proudly looks on at his children who have learned something new - as though it just miraculously occurred.
I'm painting an unfair picture of him as he does do a lot around the house - for a bloke. But I find he tends to use his chores as an excuse for not doing stuff with the kids (and the thought of doing chores with kids in tow is completely beyond him)
I have sorted the problem of the "higher salary" by mentioning repeatedly for years on end, that if I had not been supporting his career, I would be the one earning the big salary. He knows now that is true, he wouldn't be able to travel for work that much or follow many of the oportunities he has if I had stamped my feet saying I wouldn't do it.
Both your jobs are equally valuable, one may earn more but how would he be able to do it if there wasn't you going the extra mile for him so he can do it?
Thank you all for backing me up in this. Sometimes I think maybe I am being unreasonable, but I really don't think I am now.
The thing is he has a hard week and needs some time out. But he just doesn't seem to think that maybe I do too. And then instead of saying: why don't you have a break, he'll dive into chores in a bid to prove how useful he's being, but it's not really being useful because it's still not relieving me of the kids.
That said, he did have the savvy to say that he would bath the children and put them to bed so that I could work. I think he knew that I was close to slapping him. Now he is mowing the lawn...his way of saying, you see, I do do a lot around the house. I guess we are going for the stony silence evening.
Sigh. Thanks for being supportive. Must now get on with my invoicing.
Have now finished invoicing so can get to go cook dinner and tidy up downstairs. While we're on the subject of cooking dinner, why oh why oh why, is it solely my responsibility to make food??? Fair enough if I haven't been working and he has, I will do it. But if I have been working, why is it still my job?
And even when we work at home together, he won't make himself lunch until I go to make mine and then of course wants me to make his for him. And if he is up first with the kids in the morning, he won't make them breakfast until I get up. Because pouring cereal in a bowl is tricky.
I don't know when all this changed - he never used to be like this. In fact he used to enjoy cooking. Sigh. I need to stop bitching about him now because otherwise we will really have an unpleasant evening. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
but he did get up with them!!!
my dh does this too its like wow do you want a medal
Try saying 'I'm too tired to make dinner, since you've been away all week why don't you treat me to a take out?'
If he says no treat yourself to one and he can fend for himself - he knows where the phone book/fridge is right?
- know the feeling, much sympathy!
Sadly we live in the sticks and no-one delivers to us. Otherwise I would be dialling right now!
However, we have fajitas on the menu. Which is something that doesn't really sit around well. So if I make it now and interrupt the lawn mowing (he's still at it, we have a big lawn) then I will get my head bitten off. If I start to eat without him, he will get the sulks. If I wait till he's done, i won't be arsed and will go to bed hungry.
I really am being a bitch about him. Enough. Will now go cook and attempt to make peace with lawnmowing man. I will be the bigger person and try to forget it, put it down to him having a bad week. And my glass of wine has helped nicely.
hows it going? still the big freeze in your house or you mellowed out with a huge glass of wine
Well we were polite to each other - but there's a definite chill in the air. But with 3 glasses of wine in me I'm about to go have a bath while he watches TV. At some point we need to have a big chat and have it out, but we're both too knackered today.
On the plus side, at least the grass is nice and short now
I have a similar dh-only mine has only mown the lawn once in 11 years!
He works full time,I run my own business & work 3.5 days a week,but also do all the running around with the dd's to pre school,dance lessons,friends houses,dentists appts ect.I think that because it is my own business he thinks that I can just work around the children,do all the housework,gardening,cooking ect & still earn a living.
We have a blow up about his lack of help around the house every few months,during which he will rack his brain to think of a tiny failing of mine that he can retaliate with.However,he must realise that I am right,even if he would never admit it,because he always pulls his socks up for a while-until the next time.
Can you possibly come down with a very nasty virus,which neccesitates you spending a whole weekend in bed? That is what I plan on doing next time things start slipping.I'm going to take to my bed with a supply of good books & some chocolate.
GGrrrr your post has made me angry with my DP all over again. He is always like this too, and he really does think he shares responsibility equally!
You poor thing. Withhold marital rights. Until he admits defeat, apologises and starts helping a bit
It may help to make a list where you include EVERYTHING you do during the week, from searching for a stupid ingredient for a particular food to wiping your children bottoms (if you still do). The list would be ENORMOUS so, next time he comes with the idea that he has to be treated with utmost consideration because he mowed the lawn, show him the list and transfer some of the items in it to hims as permanent duties
Isabel - I love that suggestion. Think I might just do it. Although I think he will then say: well you obviously don't have enough to do if you have time to write out banal lists....
The one thing that 'cured' my DH (although he does have relapses every now and then) was when I needed to go to the US for a week for work. He was very supportive of my going and convinced me that he could hold the fort for the week.
We talked openly about the practicalities, as he can't really cook, so I (obviously!) shopped and planned the week's menu with hand-written lists and instructions for heating up/boiling/grilling etc whatever it was they were to eat (simple stuff like pasta, oven baked fish and chips etc).
They got on just fine but he was completely changed when I got home. He actually said he didn't know how I did it and it changed his attitude completely.
So could you pull off a trip away from home for a couple of days - alone - so he would see in a different light all that you do?
Bella I love, love, love that idea. I have gone away for a weekend (2 days, 1 night) but he had his mates over and between them they looked after the kids - not the same as sitting on your own day after day while he travels and I do all the boring stuff.
So now I just need to figure out how to squeeze a trip in.... hmmm.
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