Advice.

[Obliterfrycation]

Hi

I was married for nearly 20 years. Had a few kids. Ex was very jealous even though I'm pretty ugly and cheating is not in my nature. Always being accused of cheating. Ex slept with ex partner in early days of relationship. I was v unhappy but partner v v v apologetic. Carry on. But I think it planted a vicious little seed and I don't know if I over compensated. I continue. Used to go to pub with partner walk them home, snog and leave to get taxi home, we were 19/20 or so. No phone at partners and parents didn't like me, they didn't like anyone! So use phone box a few streets away. One evening around midnight probably a Friday call taxi but waiting over an hour, no problem, I happy smoking cigarettes and night is warm. Look up road. See a person walking towards partner. Ex partner had very distinctive walk, I was friends with them for years and used to take Mick for it. Like Mr Soft from mint advert. Thought that's odd. My partner had said that ex partner was violent. So I walk towards partners house. Person disappeared but I sure they would have had to run to get to hiding point. Go back get in cab. Thinks to self, what if ex partner was told by my partner that I'd go home when pub shut and they to come up hour later? Dismiss as possessive nonsense. Seed grows subconsciously.

Fast forward. We live together. Get married. I have job with v unsociy hours esp weekend, but a jobs a job. Partner would go to parents on Saturday night and then I'd pick her up on my break and take her home. Cheaper and safer than bus/taxi plus I'd be able to eat at home. Do this for many months. Partner then says not to pick them up as her father would take her home. Think odd as father a lazy, nasty man who wouldn't do that sort of thing. But think not a problem, I can work through break and earn a few quid. I knew at home that partner kept talking about colleague at work in a slightly odd way. They would also have work nights out with friends that they never mentioned before or since. Finish unsocial job and get normal job. Home on Saturday evenings. I'm not a disco dancer so I would go over friends house for drinks whilst our collective partners went out. Not a problem. Friends partners very secretive about their nights out. Leaving big inconsistencies. Like what bar u go in, did you see mutual friend who was out etc. Not interrogating. Conscious about paranoid feelings and dismiss as stupid. One evening I in bed, partner comes home after night out and literally pounces on me in sexual manner. V out of character. Odd explaination given "I couldn't wait to eff you, its all I could think off". Never happened before or since.

Around the same timeI take family member to activity 150 miles from home. Take all day. Partner asks me repeatedly over the course of the week "are you sure you'll be home at 8pm" and similar lines. Again, think it's odd but supress it.

Friends get married go to wedding and so forth. Indulge in day of fun alcohol and herbal cigarettes. Evening party. Quite intoxicated but no more than half cut cos of pacing. My partner there and their colleague turns up. Good looking person. I mingle whilst partner dances. She dances with colleague. I start to believe people looking at me with odd looks due to nature of my partners dancing. Think it's me cos of intoxication. Night goes on. I notice I haven't seen partner for ages as they had cigarettes and I had to bum smokes about 4 times cos I couldn't find them to get my own . Look everywhere for ages. No sign. Notice colleague missing. No one seen them. Suddenly both reappear at same time. I get feeling this ain't right. Also feel that mutual friends know something but it's their wedding and I ain't gonna cause a scene especially as I've no evidence.

Have row in summer few months after wedding over unrelated stuff, maybe money but common or garden row. Partner tells me they don't love and haven't lived me for long time! Partner meant it. I can tell. Move out for few days but we talk and partner says they under pressure cos of family problems. Didnt mean it. Hunky dory again.

We try for baby. Six months of trying. Pregnant. Win. Very excited. Day of c section (med reason). Partner extremely nervous. I put down to op, understandable! Baby born, son, image of me. I say to partner later, "I can tell he's my son by the shape of his fingers" or something odd like that. I hadn't, slept, eaten for ages and I was on a mega high, so I was talking rubbish. Partner looked oddly relieved more than anything else.

Relationship continues. More kids. Partner starts argument one day. Partner says "how do you know he yours" when subject of eldest child comes up! I say cos he is image of me, cos I don't want to open that can of worms cos I was frightened of what would come out. I loved my partner deeply and same for my kids. Gets brushed under carpet.

Partner still likes a night out. I like staying in with kids. One night partner not home till dawn. Clubs shut at 1 am. Not waiting for her but light sleeper after kids. She said her friend met some sailors and she went with her to their ship, to make sure she kept her knickers on. Ok.

Fast forward years. Partner had same sex affair. Partner v cold about my feelings. Almost brutal. Affair fizzled out. Carry on marriage but I'm dead inside.

Partner an I divorce. Natural end. I get diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer about 18 months later. I'd just ended a relationship and so had she.
Ex partner offers to put me up cos I needed care and help with adl. Kids also wanted to help dad fight cancer. Live there. During a conversation late at night. Steroids gave me chronic insomnia. We reminisced about old times, holidays etc . Nice. During conversation she asked out of the blue "did you ever cheat during our time together" I reply "no, you know I'm not like that". She looked upset and regretful (I know it's subjective) and said "oh". I didn't want to pursue anything and after what seemed hours of awkward silence, I said I was going to bed. I slept in my youngest bed and they slept in ex partners.

Now. We've been divorced for years. Both got on with our lives. Kids growing up great. But, I can't get "not knowing for definite" out of my head! I'm 99% sure of them "cheating". I have depression and that's one of the causes. I'm px'd venlafaxine at a high dose. The real kicker is that one of venlafaxines side effects is lucid dreaming. When I say lucid I mean real. They're often horrific in nature. It can take a whole day to recover. The dreams nearly always relate to the issues raised here. I need these dreams to stop.
I believe not knowing is making everything worse Reducing meds isn't an option.

So, would it be wise to ask my ex if they cheated?

How could I do this diplomatically? I gets on well with her husband and I don't want to appear ex partnerish?

Theres other minor factors that I haven't included as it's already Tl;Dr?

Thanks for any help.

[Obliterfrycation]

Clarity. Her ex partner had a distinctive walk and was walking towards partners house which was in a close and not a through road.

[Monty27]

It's 5am so I haven't read the complete OP simply because I am on a phone using MN, as many ppl do and it's just too long. Sorry

[Justagirlwholovesaboy]

No I’m sorry you are so Ill, but let this go, the is just weird and paranoid. Focus on your children and move on from this

[Obliterfrycation]

Trying to. I might have over egged the depression thing. My depression has been a v long term thing that predates this by many years. This hasn't helped. As I am basically symptom free due to meds, a few niggles but who doesnt have them, I wouldn't say I'm ill. The dreams are epse. I'm a registered Mental Health Nurse so I know my onions.

It's a question of clarification. To dispel any question of "paranoia". Was my life a lie? Was I taken for a mug? I don't think it's not a valid quest to want to know the facts.

It's a bit like wanting to know who your parents are if adopted. I'm also adopted. It makes no real difference but it's part of who you are and identity is important.

Maybe it's a male thing. Like if my car breaks, I want to know what has gone wrong. To be fully informed. I wouldn't be happy to just have it fixed and not know. Perhaps, this is wrong site to get a view from both genders?

[VixenSixen]

Hi I read your post and I did not want to read and run..... I'm so sorry for everything you have been going through. Sounds like you aren't having a great time with your meds either, I have had meds in the past and had some pretty hideous dreams, you have my full sympathy.

I asked myself at the end of your message what there would be to gain from asking your ex whether she cheated or not - I look at it in a way that if you have a wound and keep picking at it, you just keep opening it up and it will scar badly, if you leave it alone and dont pick it will heal the best it can and over time will fade.

I guess what I am saying is you cannot change the past, trawling over the past won't be doing you any good and will dig up unpleasant feelings and you will never move on.

I wonder whether you have explored any sort of counselling. I had a very traumatic year last year, my son almost died at the hands of my ex partners stupidity. I had PTSD. I had a course of counselling, probably 8 or 10 sessions and been back to see her once or twice since to deal with some issues that have popped up since.

Speaking to her enabled me to deal with some difficult feelings and package them up in a way that I could move on with life. I'm pleased to say I have now and I'm not sure I'd have made the headway I had without it.

Please don't ever stop reaching out to speak to people about how you're feeling..... I know that was probably a big step in itself.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you get some help and closure. X

[Lozzerbmc]

Sorry for what you have been through, but i’m not sure going over the past helps though i appreciate its hard not to pick at old wounds. Even if you did find out re ex partner i’m not sure it would help you in reality. Perhaps some counselling would help you move forward

[Needsomebottle]

The problem is you'll only believe the worst, even if the better option is the actual truth. If your partner hasn't told you in all this time I doubt they will now. And what would knowing do if it is worst case scenario? Bring anger? Another issue to deal with? Somehow you need to find a way to move on with what you have and stop obsessing. Sorry if that's harsh and I don't know how you'll do it but you need to.