Leavening, left

[unbelievablystrong]

Sat in hotel, the sick feeling of its all over hasn't quite hit me yet. It will of course.
Been together many years, just under 10. Lived together 6 years.
Anyway all the ins ands outs really don't matter now, I have to Gain strength and find the way to be on my own, sort of not feeling to scared, although again I'm sure this will come.
He suffers with depression, I'm so in love with him, I feel like an absolute failure as I can do nothing to help him.
But I'm at the stage now where my mental health is also so so fragile, I keep quiet, I talk, I do things I feel are the right things, I try to be normal, I try to not rock the boat, I try to gauge the atmosphere, I live on egg shells, I feel I have to think of the end result before proceeding with anything.
It's got so much worse lately, well the last three years to be honest.
My goodness I love him with all my heart and feel so bad that this is now happening
We both have strange ways but I thought we could understand and always have each other to feel safe with.
Tonight I've actually realised this isn't good for each of us, we are not going to make it. I'm no good for him, I can't make him better.
This leaves me in a hotel room, I have a job, minimum wage, please help me and tell me how to leave and find a place to live.

I do not hate him or blame or resent him, l love him with every breath I take, I just feel he doesn't love me, and from what he says to me it won't be long before I too am having a break down.
Tomorow will arrive shortly and I need to deal with this.

[FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine]

Well done OP! You sound like a strong and smart person and I’m sure you’ll figure out how to find a place to live and deal with the practicalities. It sounds like it’s been increasingly shit for almost a third of your entire relationship now so it sounds like this is the right thing to do. Best wishes :)

[pudding21]

Youre unbeliveablystrong like your username. One step at a time, one hour at a time. Write a list of all the things you need to do practically and also a list as to the reasons you left. Tick something off the list each day to do, even when you don’t feel like it. And look at the other list every time you wobble.

Post on here and I hope you have some real life support because you’ll need to talk this out.

Good luck op. You’ll be good.

[unbelievablystrong]

I won't talk to anyone irl , they all have their own stuff going on and I will not let any of them know any of this. We've just spoke for a long time on the phone, do I feel we've got anywhere? No not really.
He wants to talk face to face, I told him that's hard for me to do, I crumble.
I want us to work, of course I do, but if that's detrimental to my own health and sanity, or indeed his (as I only seem to make everything worse for him) what next?

[unbelievablystrong]

And it's literally just occurred to me that all the way through that 1and and half hour conversation not once did he ask me to go home.

[unbelievablystrong]

He never even asked where I was

[pudding21]

Só he’s only thinking about himself, so you have to look after yourself.