how do i make him realise? warning, long emotional rant!

[AnAngelWithin]

ok so not been around for a whle so probably really selfish of me to turn up lumbering my problems on you all, but I just don't know what else to do.

Me and DH have been together for 10 years. A couple of years ago we had a really bad patch and he moved out. TBH for those few weeks, although it was hard work (3 children at the time), I was quite relieved. He would ring and text me all the time, which in a way also made it feel like we weren't really apart. I had a male friend at the time who saw his opportunity to tell me that he loved me, and promised me the world, but I couldn't do it. I took dh back and agreed to give it another go, and have not spoken to this other male friend ever since. dd ended up being our 'result of making up' iykwim. Anyway, I suppose we just went along with things then because I was pregnant. DH didn't take an interest in the pregnancy, didn't want to come to any appointments and never asked how they went after I had been. He wasn't even bothered when I nearly lost her. when dd was born he had hoped she was a boy. I had her at home, and he wasn't that involved with the birth, unlike with all the others. He ignored me after I had given birth and went and slept in the boys bedroom, and 3 hours after the birth, I ended up having to get up and make breakfast for the other children. I suppose since then we have just been plodding along. He loves dd to bits now and bonded with her really well, just like all the others, but it took time.

Anyway, we don't seem to have any relationship at all. In a way, I know that we should never have got back together, but glad we did in a way otherwise dd would never have been born. We haven't had sex for about 9 months now. He tries to make a move on me but I just don't want to. Not just with him, but with anyone, if that makes sense?? We went out on sunday night and to be honest I just wanted to go home, whereas he thought it would be an opportunity to get his leg over (which didn't happen) I can't stand the thought of him near me in that way. Even when he comes to give me a cuddle i think 'oh just get lost' We don't really argue. We can sit and have a good conversation together. And I care about him. But I just don't feel the same way about him anymore, and if i am honest, I haven't since we split up the first time. I often sit here and wonder what life would be like without him. I don't sit here and think that it would be awful without him in my life, I am just more worried about how I would manage everything on my own without his help. We haven't had a very good time the past few years tbh. And at the beginning of every year, he says 'this is our year' and something awful happens. I am just so fed up of it. If he turned round tonight and said he was leaving, I wouldn't be upset. Well, I mean of course I would be upset at the fact that 10 years together has ended but I can live with not being able to see him every day. I think if he is honest, he knows that we don't really have a future together, but he is clinging on hoping something will change. I would love for him to find someone else and go and be happy with them.

And before you say anything, yes I have been to the doctors, yes I am depressed, yes I am on ADs, yes I have had a review on them, and yes we have tried counselling.

He just doesn't seem to get that we have nothing worth hanging on to as a couple. I don't think I can live like this for the next 20 years til all the children have grown up and left home. Yes I can see his point of view that this year isn't going too bad so far and we have got the chance to go on our first holiday and the ILs have brought us a 7 seater car which admittedly has made life easier, but it hasn't changed the way I feel. I am not in love with him. I don't want to be with him. I am the kind of person that will just go along with things just to keep them happy.

I just don't know what to do. I did pack my bags a few weeks ago and went and sat on the train station for 2 hours. DH didn't even try and contact me to see if I was ok. Instead, he took the kids off out for dinner.

I don't hate him. I do care about him. I just don't love him

[AnAngelWithin]

ok that was longer than i thought. are you still awake?? im really sorry

[mylittlestar]

Do you think his reaction of taking the kids out to dinner when you packed your bags is a sign that he doesn't believe you'd go through with it?

I bet that after all the effort you have put in, and the fact that you are the type of person who goes along with things to make others happy, he doesn't believe you would ever call it a day.

Have you sat him down and said how serious you are and how you really feel. Could you look into divorce and when you talk to him explain how the divorce would work/what you need to do etc - as a way of getting him to realise just how serious you are? I think he has no idea of how you really feel and how close you are to ending things.


Out of intrest, why did you mention the other guy who said he loved you, if nothing happened? Do you have some feelings for him?
(You don't have to answer that!)

[AnAngelWithin]

yes i have sat and told him.

i think i just mentioned the other bloke because i dont want to be with anyone and its not just dh that i dont want to be with, if that makes sense??

[mylittlestar]

that makes sense

how about suggesting a trial separation and asking him to move out for a while? would that make him start to listen?

or if you're definite, just turning up at home with the divorce papers?
(may sound harsh, but if you've seriously tried to talk and tried counselling, and he refuses to listen, what more can you do?)

[AnAngelWithin]

i have suggested a trial separation but then he gets nasty saying that if its me that wants a separation then its me who can move out, and he knows I can't do that as I have nowhere to go. He also says that if i leave then I can forget about taking the kids with me.

[madamez]

He can't legally deprive you of contact with your kids, nor can he stop you taking them with you if you leave (though he can apply for access etc: you can't cut him out of their lives entirely without far more serious a cause than you being unhappy living with him).

I think he realises perfectly well that you are not happy, but doesn't see what he should do about it. What do you want him to do differently? (If the answer is, nothing, you just want him gone, then it's time to consult a solicitor).

[warthog]

he's talking tosh about you not getting the kids. ignore that.

i think there's a huge amount of resentment, quite reasonably so. is it possible to have a really frank discussion about the future and discuss what you both want? do you know what you want?

[AnAngelWithin]

i really don't know. 90% of me wants it to be over. The 10% of me is just panicking about how i will manage on my own with 4 kids and the 'weekend dad' thing, strained christmases, birthdays etc, but at the same time I am not sure I can just go along with things for the sake of trying to keep the peace. My parents separated and I found it so hard. My dad died before I got a chance to really get to know him and I am scared to death that the same thing will happen again with my kids.

I am sat here on my own at the moment. He has barely spoken to me all night. He has just gone upstairs for a bath without saying anything to me. This is killing me.

[AnAngelWithin]

i told him that he is suffocating me and that i want him to move out. that we have no future together. he just got all arsey and ranted something about wasting the last 10 years of his life. He got up this morning acting like nothing had happened. When I didn't make idle chit chat with him he started shouting at me asking what was wrong. I asked him if he took in any of what I said last night and he just stared at me. I went back up to the bedroom then til he went to work then came down to see to the kids. Just got back from paying the bills for the week. Met up with a friend at school and I just ended up bursting into tears on her the poor girl. I have just got home and I am plodding round doing everything in a daze. Putting washing on etc. DD2 is asleep and ds2 is colouring at the table here.

[mylittlestar]

He needs to realise that neither of you have wasted the past 10 years. You have 4 beautiful children from your time together and I'm sure, a lot of good memories.
Sometimes relationships run their course and there is nothing you can do to change that.

(And this is coming from someone who's barely coming to terms with my own relationship coming to an end. So I can see it from you dh's point of view. But like me, eventually, he will just have to accept it.)

He really does bury his head in the sand doesn't he. Getting up this morning and acting like nothing has happened or been said

I really feel for you. Glad you've got RL support. But keep posting. You will get through this.

[AnAngelWithin]

am just sat here sobbing. i wonder if he will text me in a bit? he always texts me on his 11 o'clock break....

[mylittlestar]

what are you hoping he'll say in his text?

is there anything he could say or do to give you the incentive to try and work this out and get through this?

[Freckle]

Whilst I don't want to add to your stress, I think I should point out that it is not automatic that, in the event of a split, the mother gets the children.

It was stated that he can't stop you taking the children. Well, perhaps he can, if you are removing them from a secure home and taking them to unsuitable or temporary accommodation. After all, if he is capable of looking after them, why should they be removed from the home? They are his children too.

The Children Act, on which all child-related proceedings are based, state that no automatic preference should be given to either mother or father - although in practice, the children do generally end up with the mother.

[AnAngelWithin]

oh thanks for that freckle he knows hes got one over on me as it is. he knows ive got nobody and nowhere to go. and anyway, why should I leave??

i dont think there is anything he could say or do tbh mylittlestar

[Judy1234]

You can certainly divorce him even whilst still living together. Plenty of men get the children if the wife has psychiatric problems but you might be happier living alone back in full time work whilst he has the car... basically yes I agree with Freckle, he might get the children. Would you want that or I know a good few people who have them alternate weeks.

I would sort out your depression and then decide what to do.

[AnAngelWithin]

i think getting rid of him would sort my depression

[Anna8888]

I think that you are projecting onto your partner a lot of pent-up bad feeling but I suspect that he is not the only cause of all your unhappiness.

Xenia is right - try to sort out your depression before chucking in your marriage.

Can you try to think of things that are wrong that have nothing to do with your partner?

[AnAngelWithin]

things that are wrong that have nothing to do with him. erm. nope.

[TimeForMe]

It doesn't sound as though he wants the relationship to end. I don't think he is burying his head in the sand at all. I think he is scared he is about to lose his wife and children and he doesn't know what to do about it. You ask why should you be the one to leave? In the same context why should he be the one to leave? It is you that is unhappy.
I think you need to find a way of communicating without conflict or blame. I also agree with those posters who suggest that you work on our depression, this could have a large bearing on how you are feeling.

You can't just 'throw a person away' like a piece of rubbish just because you are unhappy with them. He may not be perfect, we don't live in your house so we don't know the extent of the situation, but he does have feelings too, even though he may not be able to show them.

[AnAngelWithin]

i am not just 'throwing him away' how shallow do you think i am exactly??

[TimeForMe]

You think getting rid of him would sort your depression???

You tell me!

[AnAngelWithin]

oh for gods sake. i didnt mean it as it came out. ffs

[TimeForMe]

Look, i'm not trying to be harsh here and I do sympathise with how you are feeling but if you re read your thread you will see that you have said some really nice things about your DH. Its obvious you still care about him. But, just because you feel the relationship is over and you want out, you can't force him to feel the same way. I can't help but feel a bit sad for him. Because you don't want him he might end up losing everything and it just seems thats not what he wants. Its just sad thats all.

[AnAngelWithin]

well i am sure if i told you the while story you would not have the same opinion then but i can't really go into that right now

[TimeForMe]

Well thats fair enough, but you can't get angry when people express an opinion based on the information you have given or can give.

Believe it or not I do know what its like to be living in your position (of what I know of it) but believe me, the grass is not always greener on the other side.
I was just wondering if maybe you tried to focus on all the positive stuff you have mentioned you could turn this around. You do sound to be good friends with your DH, you don't hate him, you just seem bored and fed up with him.

Maybe he is fed up too but just dealing with it in the best way he knows how. I know that depression in a woman they love scares a man to death, they just don't know how to deal with it.