Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm feeling shocked and hurt(29 Posts)
I have been with my partner for around a year but have known each other longer. I moved in with him about 3 months ago 'officially' but was always staying at his place before we were together so it seems longer.
He suffers from bipolar so has terrible moodswings but normally keeps himself locked away whilst he's having a bad one. Anyway last night after a big row (in which I was partly responsible) he went nuts and said he wanted me out of his house, I refused to go (as I had nowhere to go) and he said "you have 10 seconds to get out before I physically throw you out" I told him I would leave if I could take the car and he grabbed me and pushed me out of the door and locked it behind me. I was trying to keep in mind that he has an illness but I was not prepared to walk the streets on my own at that time of night so I knocked on the door, he opened it and told me that if I wasn't out of his sight within 5 seconds he would "beat the shit out me".
I ended up calling a taxi and went to my friends house but he later phoned and asked if I really believed he would've hurt me and seemed offended that I believed him!
I'm not sure where to go from here, I don't want to finish with him because he has an illness but at the same time I don't want to put myself and my kids (who did not witness this btw) in danger.
Am I over-reacting?
I wouldnt stay with him, illness or not he threatened your safety.
What has he subsequently said about this episode? Anything short of a "my god, I need to get my medication sorted" wouldn't cut it for me.
unfortunately this man's illness seems capable of putting your childrens and your safety at risk.
Looking at this as an outsider, this man is ill, and clearly cannoot cope with the stress of a relationship.
SAYING THAT, I think he did the best this he could possibly have done under the circumstances - he knew he was losing it, and he put you out of harm's way. He probably was not thinking rationally, but on the surface of it, was probably doing what he thought was best.
on the other hand,. you need to think hard before continuing a relationship with him, IMHO
Don't let bipolar be an excuse for bad behaviour what you do is up to you but I would leave and take my children away from the influence of this man. Illness or not he is not stable I would not risk it tbh. Hope your okay
He refuses to take antidepressants as he says it makes him feel worse, he was almost sectioned last year when he told the doctor that he often felt like "Killing someone", after a spell of councelling he thought he was ok and then ended up back at the doctor when he had to restrain himself from attacking someone on the road. He still insists that the councelling does him good and he says it is working, he does seem alot better than he did but it still flares up every now and again.
He has apologised for last night but thinks I over-reacted by thinking he was being serious, I still swear now he WAS being serious, I could see it in his face he was being deadly serious, just when he calms down he see's things in a much better light than they were.
if he is denying everything and cannot see that throwing you out and verbally abusing you is wrong. I would leave...what if its your children who suffer his next episode?
Bloody hell Cupcake, he sounds downright dangerous. Which may be to do with illness and not his fault, as such, but you still need to protect yourself (and your children). Move out, now, and then sort out what sort of relationship you want, if any.
get out of this relationship. If he is refusing to take prescribed medication he isn't realistic about his behavior.
Mental illness isn't actually a reason or excuse for threatening violence. My brother is bipolar - it generally means he has periods of being quite high energy, elated, very happy and buzzy - spending money he doesn't have, going out lots, very chatty and a bit high.
Then he is very depressed, low, sad, can't sleep or eat.
Alot of the time he's fine, he works and has a girlfriend and lots of friends.
He's never ever threatened to hurt anyone though. It doesn't follow that he can behave in this way because he's ill. It's not acceptable and you need to think carefully about putting yourself at risk with this man.
Where were your kids when it happened, Cherry?
Bi-polar in itself cannot excuse his behaviour. Having said that his non-compliance with his meds could be making his behaviour much more erratic. Is he under the care of a CPN (community psychatric Nurse) or a Pycharitrist? I think you need to take his threats seriously and remove yourself and your children from this situation. From what you describe he is not in a stable enough condition to withstand the rigours that family life can bring. At the very least he needs to show that he is regularly taking his medication (if its not working he needs to explore other options with his psych) and has a long period of stability before you even consider going back. You may have to accept that this is not the right relationship to be in.
i too am wondering where your children were?did you take them to your friends or leave them in the house with him?
i dont understand why he threw you out.if he was angry why didnt he go for a walk himself to calm down?
i think a man who threatens violence like that is probably capable of inflicting it,and illness doesnt excuse that.i think his illness is irrelevent at the moment,as you and your children are in danger.
Sorry, but I could not and would not trust anyone with bipolar who wouldn't take his prescribed medication. Not around me, and certainly not around my daughter.
You wouldn't be finishing with him because he has an illness, you would be finishing with him because he refuses to take responsibility for that illness, which could be a dangerous situation for you and for your children.
Just get out.
It's very sad he's got an illness, but it's not a sadness you have to carry. You are putting yourself and your children in terrible danger by being with him and you know that. Don't feel guilty about bailing out on him because he has an illness, it's a perfectly reasonable motive for ending a relationship, you're not being cruel or unfeeling and actually even if you were, your safety and that of your children is more important than whether you feel you've been fair or not.
Just go. Quickly.
in your OP you say 'I don't want to finish with him because he has an illness'
is it only the illness keeping you there?
It is very sad that he has this illness but you must protect your children.
my husband is bipolar and has never ever threatened me or made me feel that he would hurt me. he is difficult at times (understatement of huge proportions)and moody etc but not that. that would be a deal breaker for me.
I'd echo what others have said in saying that yes it is very sad that your dp is ill. But it is not the illness per se that is the problem. So if you were finishing with him it would be because his illness is not being managed appropriately. It is not his fault that he is ill, but equally, it is not fair on him, you or your children to have to try and carry on without seeking the relevant help that he clearly needs.
Although your children did not witness this event, that does not mean that there is no impact on them. As others have indicated there is immediate risk for you and your children in this relationship, but also, I would urge you to think about the long term impact on your children of continuing without appropriate help. Good luck.
Get out - DO NOT be a headline in the news that something terrible has happened to you or your children. The man needs help but won't accept it. He sounds dangerous and volatile.
Best to be safe cherry
I agree with everyone. Are you staying because he "needs" you?? You don't have to sacrifice yourself to his illness. Pushing you out and locking to door is abusive imo. What happens next time, when the children are there? Is this the kind of "normal" you want your kids to grow up with? Sorry, don't mesn to be firing questions at you, but women are sooo good at making excuses for men - most of us have done it at one time or another. It may be kinder to finish with him - for everyone. Good Luck
I agree with Iklboo. You've obviously been sympathetic to his needs for a long time and this may cloud your judgment. I'm sure you don't want to hear it but 3 months living together can't be that hard to unpick. Nobody would blame you for changing your mind/disrupting kids/letting him down/whatever's holding you back.
Most abusers are charming and sorry afterwards, don't fall for it. If you still love eachother he could demonstrate his commitment by taking meds or accepting he's not suitable to live with. Either way you need to get out. Really feel for you and hope you're feeling better about things. Good luck.
Join the discussion
Please login first.