I've been married for 27 years. Seriously thinking of splitting but it's a massive decision and I want to talk it through with someone.
Problem is most of the really bad stuff happened a very long time ago but I can't let it go (even though we v rarely talk about it). Just had a sleepless night trying to work out the pros and cons.
Background:
1st 10 years intermittent DV, some really bad.
1st 20 years also intermittent verbal abuse, some in public. Financially controlling.
No parenting as such; we had a child who died aged 6 (genetic issue), and another who is now 24. H never did anything for them in terms of day to day childcare as he was married to his career (v high flying, constant travel).
I walked out 17 years ago, he begged me to come back and hasn't laid a finger on me since but still, if he gets angry I go into panic mode and can't talk to him, I kind of freeze.
A couple of years ago we had a heart to heart and he did apologise profusely, and I do believe he deeply regrets his behavour in terms of the DV.
He doesn't accept that he did anything wrong in terms of not parenting the kids. He now has a fairly decent relationship with surviving DS who lives elsewhere.
Day to day now, things are generally OK, we do nice things together, have lavish holidays, a beautiful country home, nice friends, on the surface we have it all.
But I find that every time we have a minor row, I like him less and less. Eg a couple of weeks ago he complained that I'm getting bitchy and negative and he is absolutely right, I am, and it's because I'm not happy. I'm now making an active effort to only be positive so far as possible. That's just an example, he q frequently has a go at me about some character flaw or other.
I know that he really loves me, and would be absolutely devastated if we split up.
So the pros are, I could be more myself rather than trying to constantly change to suit him, I have lots of good friends and hobbies and could see myself having a decent life, albeit I would be lonely sometimes I know.
Cons are, financially we'd have to sell the house which he in particular is very emotionally attached to (he's retired and spends his whole life on the land/gardens), inevitably there'd be some fallout socially as most of our friends are mutual, and I can't help getting anxious about silly things like what we'd do about Christmas with adult DS (who I know would be supportive to both of us).
Anyway I didn't actually intend to spill my heart out, I was actually just going to ask what sort of counsellor I should try to find to talk all this through with! Any ideas?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
What sort of counsellor should I be looking for?
whichcounselling · 10/09/2018 10:49
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