Has anyone had Sex Therapy?

[krib]

Hi, I am thinking of going for sex therapy and wondered if anyone has been (or known someone who has) and could tell me about it/if they recommend it etc.

My sexual history (deep breath): Only ever had 1 partner (dh). Been together 18 years and things are getting a little tired in the bedroom dept (my fault). I have a low sex drive & compromise at sex once a week. I never really fancy sex and usually do it because I feel I have to, however I do sometimes enjoy it once we're in the swing of things & orgasm most of the time. I find it hard to discuss sex, I find it embarassing. I'm quite an uptight person and a bit of a prude if I'm honest, with zero sexual confidence. This is why I would like to try sex therapy - to help me feel confident in the bedroom, to be able to let myself go and initiate things once in a while.

Any thoughts anyone? Phew, done it (large sigh of relief)!

[jenwa]

not had it but thought about it (Therapy that is not sex).
Where do you find out about them and are they expensive?

[NotQuiteCockney]

I haven't had sex therapy - have had regular therapy, when I was a teenager.

Are you looking for someone to talk about sex with, on your own? I'd just go talk to a normal therapist, tbh.

[Bedknobs]

Not had sex therapy but just wanted to say how brave you to write your post krib. You are not the only one to need therapy. I could have written most of your post myself. The difference would be that I maybe enjoy it a bit more often than sometimes and I could not face the idea of therapy.

I wish you all the luck in the world with getting the help you want. I think you can go to Well Woman clinics or Family Planning Clinics if you want pyschosexual counselling without going through your gp.

[krib]

I think I would approach Relate. We saw a marriage counsellor there a few years back who was brilliant. I know they also have psychosexual counsellors there. I wondered if it has worked for anyone? Or has anyone got over their own problems in any other way?

[jenwa]

just looked on there website. May have a think about that! DH would def be impressed if I came back gagging for it !!

[krib]

What are your stories, jenwa and bedknobs... you don't have to say if you don't want to . It's just that sometimes I feel like a bit of a freak and inadequate, and its nice to hear I'm not alone!

[jenwa]

You are def not alone. I sometimes feel like that too and often speak to friends re sex just to see if they may be like me or not and I have to say that alot of them are so we are not alone!
I dont have a high sex drive, I am never really in the mood, always feel its the wrong time, either going to bed cause I am tired and getting up because DD awake or up for work and these seem to be the time DH wants it! Never a right time!
I do get embarrased telling DH what I like.
I had to go to sexual health clinic not long after we got together and not sure if that has given me low confindence as had to have examinations etc as had probs and was also tearing during sex so not at all comfortable.
I think therapy may get to the root of the problem and maybe give me ideas on how to get over certain issues.
Dont orgasm during sex so sometimes lie in bed thinking whats the point and thats all that I am thinking so its not helping! I do try to instigate it at times just so I am not ignoring him!
We do other things that help, but sometimes it is the whole way about it, not spontanious and thats what I want but he is always predicatable and then it bugs me (if that makes sense!!!)

[kel4mum]

My sister saw a sex therapist and found it brillant. I remember her saying that she found it so easy to talk to someone that understood her and could also give her the right advise. I know she would recommend it. Her GP organised it.

[Bedknobs]

I don't really know how I got to where I am today as I started out pretty adventurous and knowledgeable about sex as a teen but I never actually did it. I think my upbringing had a part to play. I think bottoms and so on were portrayed as not nice things, don't touch, dirty, that sort of thing, and I was also very scared of the pain I thought sex would cause me.

That said, I honestly did not find anyone I wanted to have sex with until I met my dh, so he has been my only partner. Dh was also a virgin and I think less knowledgeable than me, and some of the things he said and did in the early days did add to my embarrassment. I don't like talking to him about what we do. I am OK just getting on with doing it, but I know in my heart of hearts, our sex life is not what it could be. Sometimes I think I am with the wrong man, but sometimes I think I only think that because I have not tried anyone else. I do fantasise about meeting another man and being able to start anew with him and just be the rampant sex goddess I feel is trapped inside me.

I don't orgasm during penetrative sex, but that is not usually a problem as I make sure dh gives me what I want before he gets his bit!

[therapybabe]

[therapybabe]

Ok, just testing a name change there before I adding anything...

[therapybabe]

Just wanted to say krib that DH and I have seen a psychosexual therapist at Relate. It's more difficult than you think, as I expected there to be a magic wand or for the therapist to say "there, that's your problem" and it suddenly all to be better. It obviously doesn't work like that, but it did help, and I think discussing my history of relationships and with my family and how DH and I got together helped me and DH understand why I might be like I am. I felt like you, I could orgasm, but never through penitrative sex, and though often once I got into it I would be in the mood, it would take some initating from DH, and he usually didn't like to initiate for fear of being rejected. So we didn't often do it. And sometimes when we would do it and I didn't orgasm I would feel like the whole exercise was a bit pointless.

Having therapy hasn't magically made our sex life better but it has done a few things, made me realise that orgasm shouldn't be the goal of sex (though I'm still pretty miffed that DH finds it so easy!) but also to manage my expectations and not concentrate so much on what I think it "should" be like according to my friend, sex and the city or the latest Louise Bagshaw novel! As it was we did it at a really awkward time, when we were planning our wedding then when we were trying for a baby! It takes longer than you think. But it was definitely worth it, even just to make DH and I more comfortable about talking about our sex life. DH didn't really like going but he did it for me.

I hope you manage to feel better about yourself whatever you decide to do.

The reason why I have name changed btw as even though usually I have verbal diorrehea (sp?), the fact that DH and I have had sex therapy is my last taboo, and we didn't tell anyone. I guess I find it hard to admit that I failed in this aspect of my life (I know that's not what it is really like, but that's how I feel about it sometimes).

[therapybabe]

Btw, bedknobs, sometimes I would think that maybe I was with the wrong man. I have slept with a few people, but all were one/two night stands before DH and I have been with him since I was at uni, so I don't really have much to compare it to either But either way, you have to remember there is much more to a relationship than sex, and concentrate on what is good about your other half.

[krib]

Bedknobs, I have had the same thoughts regarding whether or not I am with the right man. I am ALWAYS fantasing about sex with other men - I would just love to know what it's like!
Dh is attractive, looks after himself, not many dirty habits etc, but I am always looking at other men and thinking corrrr, I wonder what he's like in bed. I know it sounds really awful and I know that sex is not the be all and end all.
I suppose what I'm afraid of is that if I'm not turned on by my dh, would I be by another man? And am I with the right man? But I'll never know that because I've never been with another man... IYKWIM. Sorry to be rambling....!