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Still getting over affair - how to speed it up?

(6 Posts)
WorkingOnIt2 Sun 12-Aug-18 03:10:00

Please give me a slap back to reality. I had a brief intense mostly emotional affair (some physical contact but not sex, sexting, sexy facetime, etc) which ended 3 months ago. DH knows, we are working on doing better and DH is genuinely a good guy. I still think about the affair guy every day. I know it was filling an emotional void for me and he was just having a bit of fun on the side and doesn't think anything beyond I am a bit slutty. But there's a part of me that thinks ... his dw is bitchy, I was good to him, maybe he really thinks I'm special and misses me. I need it to get past this and back to DH mentally.

MiconiumHappens Sun 12-Aug-18 03:38:31

I think it's a process and unfortunately one that will be hard for you both. But you have both chosen to stay and that's a positive.

Trust can return, but it will take time and will be challenging for both of you.

I truly believe it's as hard for you as him but I'm totally different ways of course.

I watched a really good YouTube clip on affairs not being what defines your relationship I'll see if I can dig it out.

Also I think it's perfectly natural to miss the other man. But all just part of the moving on process.

NotTheFordType Sun 12-Aug-18 04:02:45

I think you need to define that "emotional void" and make plans to fill it with something other than cock.

Dadaist Sun 12-Aug-18 04:19:55

I’ll bet you were a different woman with AP - and you need to think about why you can’t be that person with DH. Emotional relationships that become sexual (or sexual ones that become emotional!) have a huge element of finding yourself fully accepted for you while self - and the sexual side is a significant part of the self for most people. But we can close ourselves off or become unable to present another side of ourselves in a long term relationship. And fear of rejection or being judged or accepted less for exploring other sides of ourselves can keep us craving that connection (in fantasy mostly, but a search for that connection leads to flirting, porn, and affairs).
It’s one of the main reasons why sex in a relationship can’t be replaced by regular solo orgasms. They are too lonley. Surprisingly few people get this - but it’s obvious when you think about it.

So if you want to fully accept and reciprocate - you not only need to reconnect with DH - I think you may maybe need to have the courage to represent yourself as your full self? That’s my thought anyway.

Scott72 Sun 12-Aug-18 05:28:04

The issue is that new, fresh relationships have their own energy that is so powerful and feels so good. But almost inevitably this wears off. Her husband didn't do anything wrong by the sound of it, the marriage just lost its new relationship luster. I guess you just have to accept that marriage will not provide this sort of new relationship thrill again, but if you stick with it ultimately it will provide something much better.

Monty27 Sun 12-Aug-18 05:38:20

You want to fill a void whilst wrecking your own and someone else's marriage?
That's one hell of a void. Take a look at that. What could fill your void without creating devastation around you?
You will know all about a void then and it won't be pretty. Good luck

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