I've been reading for a while, thinking and reading, trying to find stories of people in a similar situation, trying to find answers.. I've started therapy, started talking to my friends openly about how bad things are. And I'm stuck. Because I feel desperately unhappy and desperately lonely.
I've been married for 6 1/2 years. We have a nearly 6 year old and a nearly 4 year old. And I'm 16 weeks pregnant after a fairly late miscarriage last year which knocked me sideways. I thought being pregnant again would help. I thought it was the right thing to do. Or maybe I didn't.. maybe I just became so focused on having a third baby that I didn't stop to think clearly and rationally.
My husband and I have always had a difficult, tempestuous relationship but for the 2+ years before we had our first child, we managed a lot better.. there was a lot more time to talk about and work through any difficulties, to nurture the relationship..
I keep reading posts where people have said 'my husband's not a bad man but...' I struggle to know what to write, whether it's really an issue of him being good or bad (or me being good or bad..) He's very intelligent, subtly manipulative and not forthcoming with his emotions. I thought it was alright.. never brilliant but alright, manageable, good enough to stay together and raise the children together. He's a good dad, he works hard, he's "hands on" according to my mum...
But I'm miserable. I'm lonely, I feel isolated and I feel like it's impossible to communicate with him. He tells me I'm cold and abusive and neglectful.. which is something I've never been told by other people. I am volatile, I do get angry and say things I don't mean at times. And the thing I'm struggling with is that I feel everything gets deflected back. He's mean or punishing and he defects it back. He can say something incredibly nasty and then if and when I react, he can punish and withhold, sometimes with silent treatment for days on end.
It feels like being pregnant has woken me up to how things really are. Like beforehand I was deceiving myself, convincing myself it was ok, could be ok.
But the reality is that I feel like the relationship has broken. I've spent time building up other parts of my life and put him and my feelings towards him in a compartment. I've shut down to him. And every so often, I break. I shout and scream, I cry. And then the whole problem with the relationship is because of my anger, my seemingly unreasonable behaviour.
I thought it would always be best to stay "for the sake of the children." But my daughter (nearly 6) has become incredibly anxious about how things are between us. She's talking about having tummy aches and feeling worried that we're arguing (even when there's no communication between us, but she obviously picks up on the silence).
I told him I was desperately unhappy, that I couldn't go on, that I wanted us to go for therapy. No response. Total shut down. I told him I wanted a temporary separation, that I felt so anxious and on edge that I didn't think it was good for the baby (or the children) but he won't agree to it. Won't agree to counselling. Won't sit down and have a proper, adult conversation with me.
So I stopped asking, stopped trying, stopped asking for help. Stopped fighting, engaging, giving him anything to undermine me with.. And it results in nothing. Almost total neglect and silence. He's great with the children but it's like I don't exist. And I feel utterly miserable and desperate about what to do. The baby is due in January (how foolish am I?)
Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.
Thank you x
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Pregnant with two small children and broken marriage..
16 replies
Ech0 · 11/08/2018 20:27
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.