Hello
I’ve been contemplating writing here for a week or so and this morning I’m doing it. Intrested in thoughts and opinions.
I am currently separated from my husband and have been for 7 months. 2 children 11 and 4. We had been together for 13ish years. Around 18 months ago I found out my husband has an addiction to porn. This was a traumatic thing to find out and i was incredibly hurt and confusing. My husband was desperate to not split up and wanted to kick his addiction to porn. I decided that I would continue the marriage and we started marriage counselling, he was also attending personal counselling, group counselling and had a sponsor. The marriage counselling was going really well, it could be difficult process at times but there were improvements in our relationship the emotional intimacy was growing and communication was getting better but still plenty of room for improvement. I didn’t realise this at the time but I was starting to struggle with my job, my self esteem and my general mood. At this point I was starting to shut down from my partner and pulling away. He then had a “slip” and had looked at pictures online and I snapped. I asked him to leave. I did not want to be in a relationship anymore. I think I went through some sort of break down. I disengaged with my feelings, I just got through the days and avoided any sort of feelings apart from anger which was largely directed at my husband. In all honesty I was vile to him with words, I couldn’t listen to him at all and I would lose my temper with him all the time. I kind of thought well you hurt me so I can be as nasty and hurtful to you and blame you for everything. Really immature. I didn’t realise but my family were very worried about me, at on the point my dad thought I was on drugs because I looked glazed all the time, I lost weight and was “scatty”. I was not being the best mum in that I was stressed all the time and grumpy with them and wasn’t really taking much notice of there emotional needs, looking back now I just sort of shut down if that makes sense.
The past couple of months I’ve come out the other side. I’ve realised I can be emotionally immature and a bad communicator. I’m working on non violent communication, being more positive and looking into counselling for myself. The relationship between us has HUGELY improved, I’ve let go of anger and embraced kindness and it’s so much better.
I have been thinking about what I want from my life and I have regrets about my, well, now ex husband. Even after the initial split he was carrying on with recovery (I found some posts made him on nofap website and I was so moved and could read the pain he was going through) I feel I’m in a much better place and can see a future with my husband, a new relationship, one where we can communicate our needs better.
He is now in a relationship with someone. At the time of split and months after I couldn’t handle him and his emotions and have to admit that I was adamant he moved on and “go find someone to else” as I think I thought it would get him off my case. I think he’s been in th relationship around 3.5 months?
I don’t know what to do. I am aware it’s a bit crazy to want to be in a relationship with essentially an addict but I truly believe with hard work there’s a chance for a rewarding and loving marriage. BUT what do I do? I have very little idea how he feels about me or his new girlfriend. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to repeat mistakes. I don’t want to ruin the friendlier relationship we have now.
Sorry for the length and jumbledness and thanks for reading.
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Is it really so crazy?
3 replies
Hanbam · 11/08/2018 10:49
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