Is this normal re sex? TMI alert!

[TMIMonday]

DP and I have been together nearly 3 years. Don't live together but see each other 3/4 times in a week. Unfortunately in the past year sex has gone a bit weird.

DP struggled with ED (mainly going soft during sex) but has made some lifestyle changes and this improved recently but I've noticed that sex has become less frequent and when we do have sex he seems to rush it. I gently explained that I'm feeling a little frustrated as he used to be very attentive and made sure I had an orgasm but that seems to have changed he explained that he gets anxious because of the previous ED so I told him I understand and if he feels like that please could he talk to me?

Anyway fast forward to this weekend and we have had sex twice, all fine, no issues. Then last night DP started kissing me and stroking me intimately & obviously I got turned on. Then he just abruptly stopped and said 'my back hurts' turned over and went to sleep! He was snoring and if I'm honest, childishly I was pretty fucked off (know I'm in the wrong here) so I went and slept in my DD's bed to try get some sleep and stop feeling turned on. DP for work left this morning without saying goodbye I am now worried he thinks I'm being pushy re sex. And maybe I am. I'm just ridiculously frustrated BUT here's the big one, I have been raped in the past so anything about power and consent re sex confuses and panics me and the last thing I want is DP to feel like I am being coercive. AIBU about last night? Is it normal to suddenly go cold during foreplay?

[Footballmumofthefuture]

That wasn't fair on him, but he is allowed to say no at any point just as you are.

He is being a little selfish though and I think he may need some support. Maybe point him to the direction of the GP. There could be some underlying issues.

You did the right thing taking yourself off to another room to calm down instead of kicking off. That's mature tbh.

You need a good frank discussion because he is obviously feeling the strain too.

[Footballmumofthefuture]

Oh and you aren't pushy. You are simply feeling unloved because of it. That's normal.

[TMIMonday]

No, I wouldn't kick off about this at all. And yes, you are right. He has every right to say no at any time. I feel bad for even being upset by it. I just wish he'd have communicated with me. The fact that he doesn't feel comfortable enough to say 'The anxiety is getting to me, can we stop?' is gutting.

[Fettuccinecarbonara]

Surely he can say no to anything involving himself? But it doesn’t mean he should ignore your needs; especially as he was the one who got you turned on by his actions?

I think a proper discussion is in order.

[TMIMonday]

Yes, of course he can say no. Equally, even if he initiated it, he can say no. I need advice on how to deal with the rejection and feeling dismissed. This is my problem. This morning I feel like never having sex again. It's too fraught an issue in my life. I just got to grips with my body after the rape. Accepting it. Not wanting to starve myself. I think I have more work to do psychologically than I thought...

[TMIMonday]

And I want to support DP is a calm, respectful manner but perhaps I'm not equipped to do that yet. Taking rejection so badly is not good.

[Graphista]

What 'lifestyle changes' has he made that improved the ED slightly?

Has he seen an actual dr? Because it sounds to me like there might be an underlying physical cause - possibly one that needs treatment in and of itself not just because of the ED.

As for your reaction - you know you would be unreasonable to pressure him, but you're allowed to feel rejected & frustrated too.

You need to communicate better and he NEEDS to see a dr.

[bunchofdrapes]

Why do you conclude he rejected you?

Maybe he realised he couldn't get an erection or last long enough and decided to stop rather than feeling inadequate?

[TMIMonday]

Nope. Won't see a GP about it. He has cut down smoking and alcohol and taken up running again.

I've just realised that he did the same thing last weekend. He initiated sex and then stopped because he felt weird.

I'm not sure it's to do with his ED? The negative voice in my head is telling me it's my body turning him off. I've had 3dcs and I'm a size 12 but haven't been able to exercise lately because I broke my foot.

[bunchofdrapes]

If he didn't find you attractive why would he initiate?

I think it has more to do with him than with you.

[MoreAndLess]

Surely he can say no to anything involving himself? But it doesn’t mean he should ignore your needs; especially as he was the one who got you turned on by his actions?

I disagree with this completely. It's a terrible thing to say. Imagine if was a man who said it.

OP, You sound very sensible. I can understand why it must be frustrating. I think you are going to have to find a way to talk about this and come to some sort of understanding. Is there anyway you can do this? Is it possible to make a plan what you are going to do and when with him? Even if it done lightheartedly. I've no idea. It I imagine that ED problems must really screw some men up.

[TMIMonday]

I have tried to talk to him about this, quite a lot. He insists it's a psychological problem and that me talking about it makes it worse and puts pressure on him. I'm not sure what else to do. I don't want to guilt him or pressure him at all. But ultimately this is making me feel bad and I feel rubbish about myself because of it.

I haven't heard from him at all today so he's obviously pissed off with me. Don't know how to play it from here without coming across negatively.

[Graphista]

He cannot possibly know it's psychological without ruling out physical causes.

Men can be such planks about going the dr!

Sounds like he can get but not maintain the erection, the 'feeling weird' could be dizziness or nausea, and if he's honest about the backache that's another symptom.

Sounds to me like poss kidney or bp issues.

[fuddle]

my partner had this problem when we first met. I made it clear that it wasn't an issue but I think that was because he was so concerned about how it would impact on us and me. He was so considerate and did everything to make me feel satisfied in other ways. He started on viagra and most of the time it works. Sometimes it doesn't but I am v aware of not making an issue about it as it would just make matters worse. I can't imagine how I would feel if he initiated sex then stopped not only are you aroused but left feeling totally rejected. At the moment you don't know the reasons why he has ED and could imagine all sorts of things. Perhaps you could talk about how awful it must be for him and try and get him to the GP. Don't feel awful you have needs also.

[TMIMonday]

This is the issue fuddle he used to be so attentive and even if he couldn't maintain an erection he would always check if I was satisfied. Now he just stops kind of in the middle of foreplay. Proper full on foreplay too. I know I shouldn't be annoyed and I feel awful that I am but I am careful not to initiate and leave it to him so there's no pressure. I don't even want it to start now, full stop. I'd rather just not go there because the rejection is an awful feeling. It's clouding things.

[SnoogyWoo]

It’s happened and now it’s become a psychological issue. He’s really scared of it happening each time but unfortunately each time he thinks about it during sex then it will happen again. Only thing to do is create a very relaxed atmosphere during sex so he can switch off from it. Might take a few times.

[dirtybadger]

Were the "successful" times at the weekend quite unusual (as in were you shocked that it went as it used to)? Just wondering, long shot, if he might be using something (you can get viagra and similar drugs through a doctor online or even just in a pharmach now)? It might explain why he isnt very available for spur of the moment stuff. Do you think he would hide that from you?

He really needs to visit his GP, to rule anything physical out.

[TMIMonday]

It's so variable! Again TMI alert and we had sex last night and it was amazing. He was maintained an erection throughout. This makes me think it's dependent on mood.

I don't think he's taking viagra on the sly. It's not something he would hide from me. I think his libido is very sensitive to his mood. I think snoogy you are right. If he gets nervy or insecure it impacts on him. We had an indepth talk last night and I gave him a lot of reassurance and he reciprocated that. I feel bad that I got grumpy about it. He's very sensitive emotionally and I don't think I was understanding enough. I've learned a big lesson!

[MellowMelly]

I agree with a PP, it could possibly be related to blood pressure? He should go to the GP really.
I know this situation is absolutely horrendous for men as it can make them feel so inadequate and what could just be a physical cause (ie blood pressure) then can become psychological aswell and it becomes a vicious circle.
It’s good he has given up/cut back on the alcohol as that can cause/contribute to ED.
What would happen if you two did heavy snogging sessions only for a week or something, leave it each time on the steamy note, no sex, build it up until he is fit to burst?

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

He is right though, talking about will make it worse. Even if these things don’t start psychologically they can end up that way. My partner has gone brough this a few times. The first time we were trying for our second and it was happening a lot until we relaxed and stopped trying and said we will see what happens. It hadn’t happened before that but not often. It happened again when trying but not trying and it turns out it’s his medication this time but it gets him so frustrated because he would keep it up and maintain it this time but just couldn’t finish and then over thinking would make him go down. You can’t force him to go to the doctors but you also can’t force him to carry on. Yes he may have got you turned on but then maybe he couldn’t get it up and to save embarrassment he just stopped and went to sleep. I understand it may not feel good though but I think you leaving the room didn’t make him feel good either but I understand your reasoning. No advice really but maybe suggest going to the doctors if he wants to but other than that day no more on the issue. If it becomes too much of an issue then you could consider leaving him? There wouldn’t be another option if it b came a problem I don’t think.

[pissedonatrain]

Probably should go for a checkup anyway. I know many men resist but it just provides a nice baseline for the dr.
How old is he?
Overweight?
smoking? drinking?
Maybe wait a couple weeks and don't mention sex at all and then just see if he'll go for blood work up and physical just for good health maintenance.

[TMIMonday]

He's early 40's, underweight if anything, he doesn't drink much at all and never gets drunk. He does smoke but has really cut it down.

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

TMIMonday Same as my partner then except my partner does smoke often. There is no medical reasoning for him mind but couldn’t do your partner any harm going for a standard check up. Could even be a testosterone issue.

[Cricrichan]

I would imagine he started and then felt that he wouldn't be able to continue, felt embarrassed and frustrated and made up an excuse.