How could he be so thoughtless?

[CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger]

Couple of pertinent points before I get into the nitty gritty. And I'm really sorry about the length.

I've recently (4 months ago) been incredibly ill, nearly dying from a huge pulmonary embolism after knee surgery and am recovering but suffering from PTSD and generalised anxiety disorder which I'm seeing a psychologist for. DH has had to pick up a lot of the slack practically (house, work, DD etc.) as well as supporting me emotionally which he's struggled with. This past week things have been improving a lot though and I've been out socialising with him and friends) as best as I can anyway).

He has form for being untrustworthy although I thought we'd got past it. Back in 2014 I found messages on his phone suggesting he had at least had an emotional affair (although it looked to me to have easily been more) with someone he met whilst traveling with work. I forgave and gave him the benefit of the doubt as I couldn't prove anything but obviously haven't forgotten.

OK, so to tonight. We were out with friends most of the day at a our town's music festival, he was drinking, I was not due to medication I'm on. I came home at about 5 as I was struggling with tiredness etc. He came home with DD at 9 (was already a little pissed off as it's a school night and she should have been in bed by then). Anyway to my surprise he immediately said "I'm back off out to meet X at the pub for another drink, be back soon". I was a bit "WTF?" but off he went. Got a message from X's wife a bit later on joking about how drunk X was on their way home earlier and what a bad hangover he was going to have" so I knew that he hadn't met up with him.

DH rocks up at home a little drunk (but nowhere near as pissed as I'd expected him to be) and apologetic at 2am, I asked who he'd actually met up with, to which he replied that X wasn't there so he just stayed at the local Weatherspoons talking to strangers as he just had to "let go". I smelt BS so checked the Sunday opening times on their website - apparently it closed at midnight, his excuse was that they stopped serving at 12 but let you stay, but come on - they seriously let you stay for an extra 2 hours? That's bollocks, isn't it...right?

I told him I wasn't born yesterday and to go sleep elsewhere - he's now sleeping in the basement and I am sitting here crying with my heart going mad and having palpitations (and after getting so much better this week).

I'm really struggling physically and emotionally still and I still really need his support, but how can I turn a blind eye to this? Or am I overreacting (maybe this should be in AIBU)? I'm just so bloody sad.

[sadandtired1]

Pubs do do this. I'd be surprised if wetherspoons do though.

Hope you feel better soon op 💐

[CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger]

Same here Sadandtired1 (I can currently identify with your username), it would mean paying your staff for 2 extra hours whilst taking no money - I know pubs have lock ins, but a weatherspoons?

[CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger]

(and thankyou for the flowers)

[Lizzy1980]

No, you are not overreacting. It's hurtful when someone close lies to you, especially at a time when you're feeling low physically and emotionally.
Personally I would confront him but I don't know what your relationship is like or how he would react and I'm sure that the last thing you want at the moment is confrontation.
My general advice to anyone would be, simply, don't waste your time on anybody that makes you feel sad but I know things aren't that simple for you at the moment and your head is probably all over the place.
He should be taking care of and supporting you. You must be feeling very vulnerable at the moment and I know from experience that even if they are doing it subconsciously, some men (and women no doubt) will take advantage of that.
I really hope you start to feel better in yourself soon

[CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger]

He is a defensive denier when confronted with anything, although occasionally backs down after some time has passed. I doubt he'd ever be honest with me about where he'd actually been though. But I'm in such a bad place still that I can't just leave/tell him to leave - I honestly couldn't currently cope.

[CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger]

And you hit the nail on the head Lizzy I just feel so vulnerable and exposed at the moment.

[SimplySteve]

I'm sorry, I'm in A&E and not read thread. My DD has a friend who works at Wetherspoons and confirms they do lock-ins, usually until 2am but each pub varies. They usually only let regulars stay though.

[CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger]

No need to apologise Simplysteve, I really appreciate you posting (have read your other thread). So it's vaguely possible he was where he said he was.

[Lizzy1980]

Follow your gut instinct, it's rarely wrong.
Having said that, his previous indiscretions are probably making you doubt everything he says anyway. What kind of relationship is it without trust but I really do understand that you are in what must feel like a no win situation.
Concentrate on you. Look after yourself and get yourself well. Don't make any hasty decisions but always have a plan B, make sure that you have options if the time comes when you've had enough

[RightOnTheEdge]

I work in a Weatherspoons and there is no way this would be happening at mine.

Last orders is 12 and everyone gets told they have 15 minutes to drink up and make their way out.

They are long, tough shifts. We want everybody out ASAP.

[MarieG10]

You know he is lying. Whether he has cheated is a different matter but unfortunately the thought is there in your head. You have to sort it out with him