Likelihood of meeting someone new

[ItchyEyeballs]

First and foremost, I'm not even remotely ready to meet someone new. My STBXH left me after 15 years and I'm still such a mess, even though it wasn't the greatest relationship. He could be moody, mean and cruel but I still loved him and wanted to make it work.

So here's the thing. When rallying round and trying to make me feel like my life isn't the complete shitshow it actually is, everyone keeps telling me I'll meet someone else eventually. Someone nice and kind, who enjoys my company and doesn't make me second guess myself.

I suppose I should say thanks, I hope so. Except I have 5 children. 5. Seriously, I have no chance of meeting anyone nice and understanding and willing to take on 5 kids. Ffs, even STBXH left the majority of parenting to me - and he's supposed to love them.

So when saying don't worry, you won't be alone forever all they're really doing is reminding me that yeah, actually I will. And that's scary, and it hurts and leaves me wondering once again why even a grumpy, pessimistic man like my ex couldn't love me. I don't want anyone else right now. But I don't want to spend the next 30 years alone either.

I'm just so sad.

Post edited by MNHQ

[MyOtherProfile]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. None of us can say how likely it is that you will meet a nice new bloke. I hope one day you will but in the mean time I hope you can find a way to feel happy and at peace with just you and your children. I'm sure it's really tough.

[letsdolunch321]

Sorry to hear of your situation.

How old are your children?

[ItchyEyeballs]

As I said, I'm not ready now. I still love my husband for starters - he just doesn't love me anymore. But the thought of being on my own forever makes me cry. And I know that's pathetic, I know there are plenty of people who stay single and enjoy their lives immensely. I'm just not sure I'm one of them.

DC are 16, 14, 11, 6 & 4.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

But a new man doesn’t have to take on your children. The eldest will soon be fairly self sufficient and in a couple of years the 14 year old will be too. Of course you’ll still need to feed and clothe them etc but they won’t need practical hands on care so you and any new man in your life can spend time just the two of you while your dcs are with their other parent(s) or he can spend time with you and your younger ones.

I think the mistake many of us make is to try and recreate the nuclear family second time around and that is fraught with problems.

Just meeting someone who can be a good companion for you, not a step-dad for your DCs is more important. When you’re ready I’m sure you’ll work it out.

But for now just take it easy, get to know yourself, enjoy being the leader of your own family. And heal from the upset and trauma of divorce.

[RaininSummer]

Be single for a while, you say you aren't ready yet. Your children will be older. A new partner would still need to be a family man but it wont be so daunting and you will have more free time too.

[user1490465531]

it's hard to date with young children I'd leave it a few years and enjoy your children.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

I actually hate this and hate it if anyone says it to me

It’s not like they can promise you that or help and people do only say it to be nice but I never say it to anyone. Neither would I say no you won’t meet anyone, because I don’t know that do I? Society does like single people to be put into little loser/failure boxes when that’s not the case at all

All this does is make you feel defective if it doesn’t happen, like you must be doing something wrong. You just need to get to the point where you don’t mind either way. Stay open minded to both meeting someme and being single and don’t place all your focus on either one.

[PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease]

I have 4 DC with my ex DH and I thought exactly the same - three of them are under 10 and my life is busy.

However, I dated casually for a while, while I figured out what I wanted - and I can tell you that I met a few lovely men who didn’t have an issue with me having children at all. I also met a couple of idiots, but that wasn’t because I have DC.

The only thing that came up was that some guys mention wanting a child/or another one of they have DC with an ex. I don’t want any more so was honest about that straight away.

Now, two years on, I have fallen in love again with someone who loves and respects me - and who understands that my DC and I come as a package. I’m starting to realise that, although I’ve been in love before, it’s never been with someone who loved me back, not really, I always did all the work.

It is partly down to mumsnet that I started to realise how bad my marriage was, and looked at posts about what a healthy relationship is, red flags to look out for etc.

I’ve never been happier 😊 and I do understand people saying “You will meet someone lovely” - I used to think “Yeah right, who would want ME? With loads of baggage and no confidence!”

Turns out I was wrong, the man I am with now is gentle and kind and I think he would accept me as I am if I had 6 DC rather than 4.

Just be kind to yourself, you will gain your confidence back with time, it’s baby steps and one day at a time though rather than overnight stuff

[PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease]

*even if

[letsdolunch321]

As others have said be kind to yourself - baby steps. Staying single to find yourself is a good thing. I was single for 5yrs following my marriage breakup. At the age of 49 I found my now partner - honestly it is never too late in life.

[Storm4star]

I also hate it when people say that. I have two kids, late 20's. So in say 25 years, I have been single for around 15 of those years and single again now. All the nice and kind men are taken! And I personally find it doesn't get easier when they get older. Everyone told me that but now I have an adult son who lives at home (he's studying and too expensive to move out) men are utterly daunted by that! They all seem scared he's going to beat them up or something, even though he's actually lovely and mild mannered!

I "wasted" a lot of years holding onto a dream. A dream that everyone fed me to try and make me feel "better". You might meet someone OP but you might not. So the best advice I can give you is to enjoy your kids. Build a full life of your own, be that work, friends, hobbies etc. Then if you don't meet anyone, you will have comfort from that life. And if you do, you are then a well rounded person choosing to get into a relationship and not a sad, lonely person desperate for a relationship.

That is the biggest lesson I've learnt in my life.

[Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname]

Op I have posted my story previously... When I met now dh I had dc, I most def wasn't looking for another relationship at that time, but certainly wasn't with the' man to take them on 'attitude. My dh says he felt privileged to have been invited /accepted by my fab family!! He is the lucky one!!
Oh forgot to say op.
I had 10 dc.
Now 11!

[user1490465531]

But at least when kids are older you don't have issues with babysitters and older kids aren't so demanding of your time aso there out doing their own thing.