Lies and drugs

[melonmummy18]

Hi I am looking for some outsider advice!

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years and have 2 children. We have been in a happy and normal partnership up until 2 years ago. OH started to use cocaine when he went out with his mates and dad. The first time he did it I knew straight away and went mad. Expressed how it made me feel and how it was wrong. It drastically spiralled from there. He started staying out all night, lie about his whereabouts and come home at 7/8 am. Every time I would go through the motions of how upset I was about it. He would be "ashamed" and make promises to never do it again. When I felt guilty of accusing him or believed his lies then I then started thinking he must be cheating on me. I expressed this and eventually had a breakdown. Following this breakdown he made promises again. But within the week was out all night again (lying again).
This has just continued even after numerous times of me stating that I will leave. I have now found out he has taken cocaine in the day whilst I'm at work. Whilst having to look after the kids. Then driving with them in the car whilst being coked up.
This has been the final straw for me! I will never trust him again ever! I have ended the relationship but he won't face the fact. He won't leave the house as he doesn't have a job and nowhere to go. In myself I want him to accept we are over and leave. But his guilt trips are getting to me. Making me feel like I should give him another chance. For the family's sake I should give him another chance apparently. But I am torn... Can anyone give any outside advice??

[Mycheckshirt]

Stick to your guns OP, while you forgive and give 'last chances' he has no reason to change and the pattern will just keep repeating. You know this (because it's what's happened up til now I'm sure) so don't let him make you doubt yourself.

Your DC have to be (and obviously are) your priority and he is exposing them to unnecessary risk. If it helps to cement your decision keep reminding yourself (and maybe him too) that if social services found out he was using coke around the DC and you hadn't protected them by removing him you could be in for a long, hard battle to keep them.

It's normal to waver and this is a great place to get support to stay strong, keep talking here and try not to let him get in your head. I hope you're ok

[melonmummy18]

Thank you for your reply! All of what you have said was already cemented in my mind. Exactly what people close to me have said.

The hard part is getting him to see I mean it this time. The kids adore him and he is a good father apart from this incident. Unless there are more I don't know about!

I know I need to leave. But the prospect of the kids possibly blaming me for breaking up the family home tears me up. What if I did give this last chance and he actually followed through this time??

I am torn between my head and heart.

Just to add he had never done drugs prior to this and absolutely hated them. Now has completely changed. But is still their dad

[heartyrebel]

If you stayed your tolerance to the bullshit and lies would grow and what is upsetting you now will feel normal. I stayed with a sneaky drinker and it was much the same.
They have to want to change or they don't they just lie and cover up some more.

[MothOnTheWall]

He is not a good dad OP.

A good dad does not take coke and then drive his children.

A good dad does not stay out all night leaving the mother of his children home alone with no idea where he is.

A good dad does not lie to the mother of his children.

Sorry if that seems harsh, but just because he isn't physically hurting the children or directing this at them, it will be affecting them. He is their dad, yes. But he isn't a good one.

[melonmummy18]

He always seems so genuine after but only last a few weeks. The part I'm most torn with is of me ruining the family but maybe this is the time he will stop and change. Like I said head and heart.

[pisces7268]

You're not ruining he family, he is!

[melonmummy18]

Everything you have said is exactly what I have been telling him for 2 years. It also isn't harsh in the slightest. I am so exhausted mentally with it all.

I want him out of my life as a partner but in my life as a reformed (drugs wise) father. I just wish he would see where I am coming from.

[SleepFreeZone]

Where’s he getting the money from if he's not working?

[melonmummy18]

That is true! But I will be putting the final nail in the coffin. I despise him for putting us all in this situation.

[melonmummy18]

I have no idea and when asked he went silent. He only has access to the joint account. Which purposely only has £50.00 in it. He will take £20 out for drinks. Drinks being what he tells me he is going out for. But ends up on cocaine. How he gets it is a mystery.

[melonmummy18]

The money in the joint account is for taking the kids out , petrol and bits of shopping needed when I'm at work. So I can't take it away as it's for these things x

[lifebegins50]

Your children will thank you when older for getting away from him.

Be strong, draw a line and it is his choice if he decides to be a good dad when separated.
I sadly think he won't, he is addicted and can't get out so needs a rock bottom.

What is the housing situation?

[serene12]

Drug addiction is a disease,that affects the whole family, cocaine is an expensive drug, how can your husband afford it?
You can get support from familiesanonymous.org.uk, the first step is to realise that you are powerless and that addicts do not change, because we nag, threaten, manipulate them. The addict in my life didn't start to recover, until I started to use tough love i.e. they have to feel the consequences of their poor choices.

[melonmummy18]

We are in a rented home which is in my name. The rock bottom was what I needed him to have. But he will not leave the house even though his mum has said he can stay with her.

[Skittlesandbeer]

Well he can’t exactly be genuine about his commitment to change, while holding secrets about how he’s been accessing the money for drugs, can he?

My answer to these dilemmas are usually this:

‘Yes, I believe you want to change, and there may indeed be a way for our family to stay together down the track. You’ve broken my trust in you, and that can only be rebuilt with time & actions on your part. You must move out and show me that you’re serious. We will meet up once a week so you can tell me what you’ve done about your problems. It’ll be up to you to earn a place in this family back. It can’t happen while you’re living here. Refusing to leave just pushes me to make a final decision, that you won’t have the chance to come back from.’

With drugs involved, I’d need evidence of addiction counselling and rehab as a starting point.

Good luck to you, you are brave.

[melonmummy18]

Thank you I will have a look at the website. I don't have a clue as to how he affords to get high. I can only presume he gets it off people as a kind gesture. I know his dad whom he goes out with regularly gives it to him Willy nilly. But when with his friends I have no idea how he gets it.

[positivityiskey]

Is there any chance you would consider staying together and helping him overcome his addiction instead? He needs support. Go with him to CA (Cocaine Anonymous), go to your GP and get referred to an addiction centre for help, see online forums for advice. You have a family together. Try not to give up on him just yet. Addiction can make us do stupid things. I am not saying forgive and forget but bare in mind addiction can make people do things they wouldn't ever dream of doing sober. It sounds like he hates himself but can't stop. I think he wants to change but doesn't know how too.