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How can I manipulate him into calling?

(25 Posts)
easingtheSpring Thu 14-Jun-18 01:34:11

I have name changed for this. I’ll try to be brief and choose my words carefully, so apologies in advance.
My son’s father has financially supported school-aged ds whilst keeping him a secret in his life. He has always threatened dire consequences should the truth come out and change things for him. I have zero interest in bringing that about but he refuses to believe me.
For a while we have not lived near him but he has become increasingly controlling, coercive and abusive.
A few months ago I told him that I wanted to communicate only by text and only concerning ds. He did not want our frequent phone conversations and regular visits to stop, and escalated very
quickly into nasty verbal abuse and serious threats. This has happened before, and been reported a long time ago, but it’s getting more frequent and vicious.
I know now that I need to tell him that I want no contact with him at all and then block him and change my sim. This weekend, within a particular timeframe, some close friends can be with me to support me during the conversation.
However, the rules have always been that he contacts me when he is available to talk and I call him as soon as possible. His phone is switched off the rest of the time. We speak sometimes 5 times a week, sometimes once.
I can text him between calls if there is anything important. What can I text him that would make him call me at the right time?
I need your wise advice please mumsnetters, I don’t even know whether any of this is remotely rational.

Monty27 Thu 14-Jun-18 01:40:31

I wouldn't be manipulating the df of my DC. Neither would I be keeping secrets. Is that just for financial support? Nobody but nobody would buy me.
I don't know what you are thinking of op. Your DC is missing out on GPs and an extended family because it's a secret?
I don't get it. shockhmm

SleepingStandingUp Thu 14-Jun-18 01:43:29

You want no contact but what about your son?
If he's abusive or threatening you need to contact the police.

How old is ds?

easingtheSpring Thu 14-Jun-18 01:45:35

It's his choice that it's a secret, not mine, and he threatens me to keep it.

easingtheSpring Thu 14-Jun-18 01:47:36

I'd rather not give any identifying details, sorry.

Monty27 Thu 14-Jun-18 01:52:49

Threatens? So what is he saying the consequences would be? I thought you meant he would cut off financial support

ShamelesslyPlacemarking Thu 14-Jun-18 01:55:55

I'm guessing here your son is the product of an affair that has been ongoing, and your son's father has become abusive and threatening since you've decided to stop the affair and maintain contact for your son's sake only.

Given what you've written about his threats and coercion, I would not bother allowing for a conversation. I would have a text ready to go at the time your friends arrive, which clearly states that you will no longer tolerate his escalating threats and abuse, and are ending all contact. Inform him that all material relating to this has been recently logged with police. Tell him that if he attempts to visit you or your son, you will contact the police immediately. Let him know that your son's school has been warned and will not give him access.

If it were me, I would simply send the text, immediately block and change SIM, and then have a glass of wine and a cry with your friends. But if you feel you really must give this nasty man a chance to verbally abuse you one last time, you can tell him that he has one hour (or however long your friends will be with you) to contact you and after that you will be blocking him and getting a new phone number.

Good luck. It sounds like you are making the very best choice for you and your son's future.

easingtheSpring Thu 14-Jun-18 02:04:13

Thank you Shamelessly that's sensible advice.

Cut off support yes, but also threats to hurt and kill.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking Thu 14-Jun-18 02:45:41

Anything involving threats to hurt or kill should be treated with complete seriousness @easingtheSpring.

If you have evidence of repeated threats, please consider seeing if you can get a restraining order in place (or all the evidence required for one delivered to the police) before you inform him you're cutting contact.

If he's such a coward that he has hidden his son's existence all this time, I suspect that the relief of no longer having to juggle a double life will be enough for him to vanish without a trace.

Make it extremely clear to him both in the text and in the conversation (if you choose to have it) that you are 100 percent done with him, all deals are off, and there is absolutely no room to move on your decision. You will leave him alone forever on the one condition that he also leaves you and your son alone forever. But if he ever attempts to contact you or your son again in any way, the police will be turning up at his home to discuss it with him, and the consequences of that are for him to deal with.

Copperbonnet Thu 14-Jun-18 02:48:13

Cut off support yes, but also threats to hurt and kill.

The support you need is from the police sweetheart.

category12 Thu 14-Jun-18 05:49:39

Have you got text messages where he threatens violence? If so, keep them and consider going to the police. I'd be tempted to do a flit, tbh.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 14-Jun-18 10:43:09

The question about age is because if he's 2 you can prob disappear into the ether and not have to explain to him. If he's 12 he's going to ask questions and you may still need to facilitate some contact.
Either way you need to be reporting all of this to the police. He's kept you out of sights way for how many years now by threatening to kill you if you come forward - you both deserve better. What happens when DS is old enough to start asking questions, looking on FB etc

ShamelesslyPlacemarking Thu 14-Jun-18 10:48:53

It says in the first post that the child is school-aged. So he will be old enough to wonder and ask questions. However as the OP says he has threatened to hurt or kill either her or the child (or both), I don’t think further contact should be facilitated; the OP can give an age-appropriate reason as to why they’re not seeing him any more and explain more as the child is old enough to ha doe it.

If you threaten your child or their mother with death, you forfeit all parental rights IMO.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking Thu 14-Jun-18 10:49:29

*handle it

easingtheSpring Thu 14-Jun-18 11:09:07

I have all the texts we've exchanged since last year (got new phone) which are definitely abusive and controlling but the threats have all been verbal.

if you feel you really must give this nasty man a chance to verbally abuse you one last time
I don't want to give him that chance really, I am scared of talking to him. But we felt it is important to make my intentions very clear including that I will go to the police if he doesn't stop. My friends are also prepared to speak with him so that he knows I have 'back-up' and am now not dealing with this alone. I think it could be really helpful for him to hear it from a third party.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking Thu 14-Jun-18 11:14:03

In that case, if you’re determined to speak to him, record the call and if he makes similar threats, tell him “You’ve told me that same thing for years to make me do what you want, but it’s not going to work any more. I’ve already told the police that you threaten to kill me, so if you do, you’ll be going to jail.” That way there’s a record of his repeated threats.

amyddss Thu 14-Jun-18 11:14:15

Go to the police! It's quite obvious why your ds is a secret but any form of threatening, especially to hurt and KILL?! No way would I let that go. You have a child so do the right thing and protect you both. If it comes out, it comes out. You need protecting from him and need to report it right away. Just tell them everything.

PrettyLovely Thu 14-Jun-18 11:19:08

I agree with pp you should go to the police.

easingtheSpring Thu 14-Jun-18 11:33:49

I went to the police before and they arrested him on his doorstep. He made up who knows what lies to explain it away and has never forgiven me. So going to the police again now would likely disturb his set-up - which is explicitly what he threatens harm for.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 14-Jun-18 11:45:30

ShamelesslyPlacemarking I meant more if the child is old enough to phone him himself, seek him out himself rather than play dates with a violent thug (but I didn't clarify that properly) then just no contact because I said so won't work.

Agree re calling and recording it, possibly even on speaker phone if you can get away with it with another person listening

Costacoffeeplease Thu 14-Jun-18 11:53:13

I’d go to the police again with whatever evidence you’ve got - or speak to a solicitor about a non-mol or restraining order

easingtheSpring Thu 14-Jun-18 12:26:13

Thank you all, am taking on board your good advice. Ds is not old enough yet to seek him out independently, at least I think it's very unlikely.

Monty27 Fri 15-Jun-18 02:39:00

Make sure your evidence is backed up on iCloud or whatever.
He is bullying you. You are afraid. Report report report. flowers

Mountainsoutofmolehills Fri 15-Jun-18 02:47:44

make sure he provides cash.

easingtheSpring Wed 20-Jun-18 23:40:57

I didn't do anything to provoke him into calling me after all.
He didn't contact me either, so when my friends came they helped me compose a text telling him I want no further contact, and why.
We spoke more or less as usual on Monday and Tuesday, whilst I gathered resources. I sent him the text today. Is it bizarre that I'm less scared now than I was before?
P.S. My friends are brilliant!

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