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Husband just “not interested”

(21 Posts)
LBelle12 Wed 13-Jun-18 22:01:11

Hiya!

Without sounding like a whinge bag, my husband has just completely gone off sex.

He is fabulous in almost every other way and is the best father but, being a fairly young couple, I can’t help but feel quite down about it.

He told me that I practically raped him to get pregnant this time around and I will admit that sex during pregnancy is a little gross. But he hasn’t even properly kissed me in months.

Before I fell pregnant we went months without it. He would only initiate it when he was drunk. Always says he is tired etc.

I thought it may have been the fact I wasn’t in the best shape so became a gym bunny, threw out all non sexy underwear and PJs and invested in myself (hair, facials, eyes etc) but with minimal reward in that department.

I’ve spoken to him and he just says it’s his sex drive, and work, and that I am a nymphomaniac..partially joking.

I’m only mid twenties and am dreading that after this baby comes we will never do it again!! Any suggestions as many of my friends seem to be in a similar boat or the other end of the spectrum.

AnonyMousee Wed 13-Jun-18 22:11:48

Aw that sounds really hard. I don't want to bring you down, but I had similar issues with my ex, he never kissed me! I would have to force him to kiss and it would just be a light 'peck' if I was lucky. Barely had sex unless I came into him and still it would be the same, boring position every time. I decided to leave him, partly down to that, he wouldn't even hold my hand in public because it was quote "cringey"... like really? Get over it!!
I mean we weren't pregnant together so that was just him all the time. It sounds like yours may be due to the changes going on in your life, its quite normal for sex and affections to change during pregnancy for both sides as there is so much going on, for both of you! Can you sit him down and have a honest chat about your feelings ? You might find he opens up about things he's worrying about etc. Good luck to you and congrats on your pregnancy! Xx

Blighty0204 Wed 13-Jun-18 22:23:43

i'd just like to politely say that because his demeanor when drunk is different that the issue is likely with him and not you. Getting drunk removes our stresses and inhibitions and self awareness amongst other things. He clearly loves you but maybe he needs to look a bit deeper within himself and be open with you about what he sees. I'm no expect or any great authority. Just chucking a few ideas out there.

LBelle12 Wed 13-Jun-18 22:24:49

Thank you so much. Sorry to hear your story didn’t end well.

Yes he is the same about hand holding but will link arms. It’s so degrading, I know the first pregnancy ruined my body and I don’t look amazing naked anymore. But I said to him via text recently “Will we ever have sex again” and his reply was a simple “probably x”

I could cry as I know it’s not everything but it’s a huge part of what I want from a relationship. He knows this from previous chats etc. Maybe I should just stop talking about it?

LBelle12 Wed 13-Jun-18 22:25:19

Thank you

user86 Wed 13-Jun-18 22:27:06

I suspect youre about to have a influx of women who are in a similar position to you. I read an article recently exploring the instances of relationships where the man leaves the woman wanting in the sex department. Whether its tiredness/busy at work/laziness, i dont know, but I would say its been over 2 months for me, and i cant remember the last time he initiated it. the last time i intiated and almost fell asleep with the lack of passion on his part.

i decided to not approach him, test to see how long it took him to 'want it.' DO NOT do this! it doesnt help

I guess its communication. difficult with this subject as its easy to bat it away on his part with a joke or a label (nympho- for the record you are not one!)

i cant give a great deal of advise, just to say im in a similar position, and am considering jsut seriously telling him how i feel. but its quite cringe when they bat it away.

I think its the key though. have a real chat

AnonyMousee Wed 13-Jun-18 22:31:15

Oh don't apologise, to me it was part of many reasons the relationship wasn't working out and now I'm in a much happier relationship smile

Without bashing him, it's not fair to blame your appearance on it, you carried his child ! It's not like you just 'let yourself go' and if that turns out to be the reason he's like this then I'm sorry but that is disgusting, so please don't blame yourself!
I personally wouldn't stop talking about it, it clearly matters to you, how long has he been like this? He may just be going through a personal 'blip' in his life and may snap back to his old self. Until then I would seriously consider sitting him down and making a point that it's upsetting you and you need some answers xx

sunsunsunsunsun Wed 13-Jun-18 22:37:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blighty0204 Wed 13-Jun-18 22:39:16

A primary cause is low testosterone allegedly. Makes sense.
www.webmd.com/men/features/revving-up-low-libido

LBelle12 Thu 14-Jun-18 20:45:43

Thank you so much. Here’s to some positive change

nooneknowsmyname Thu 14-Jun-18 21:18:33

Try not to let it bother you and make him think your not bothered, that way he will wonder why your not bothered and most likely want to have sex with you. But if he thinks your obsessed with sex he won't want to do it. If your in early stages of pregnancy too he may not want to do it due to that. At the beginning of my pregnancy me and my partner had rows over the same thing, as he didn't want to do it but I did. Then after a little while of me forgetting about it and coming to terms with the fact I wasn't going to be having sex for ages it rekindled- think it must be that they don't want "someone who wants sex a lot"

Justaboy Thu 14-Jun-18 22:51:13

A primary cause is low testosterone allegedly. Makes sense.

Yes worth investigating . You say OP that he has sudenly of gone of the boil i take it he was well, boiling before?.

PsychedelicSheep Fri 15-Jun-18 07:15:39

I'd leave. I don't think it'll improve, he sounds as though he might be asexual and just won't be capable of meeting your needs. If you stay with him you'll end up more and more resentful, self loathing and miserable.
Sex is important and you two just aren't on the same page with it. I don't see how you can be truly happy together in the long term.

category12 Fri 15-Jun-18 08:49:53

Is he cheating?

NotTheFordType Fri 15-Jun-18 09:02:36

Have you had a proper talk about this? Not over txt, face to face. Have you told him how fucking soul destroying it is to be with someone who apparently never wants to touch you again?

Branleuse Fri 15-Jun-18 09:15:06

Hes not into you. Did he used to be better at intimacy?

Id bin him off. He will take your best years

hellsbellsmelons Fri 15-Jun-18 10:12:20

This will knock your confidence massively.
Each rejection will get harder.
Your self-esteem will be hit.
In your mid 20's!?
That's not OK.
You are just not compatible (or maybe he is gay)
So what now for you?
Live like this for decades to come or take back control of your life and get the relationship you want and deserve?

RatRolyPoly Fri 15-Jun-18 10:37:33

Oh OP, it's so tough isn't it. The truth this there are a million different reasons why things might be as they are; we can throw out a few possibilities but only you will know how likely each option is, and even then it maybe something completely different!

With my exh in my mid twenties I would get drunk to sleep with him the handful of times we did it since marrying. I desperately wanted to want to sleep with him because it would have made life so much easier - I did love him - and he was an attractive guy, so why didn't I want to? The truth is it wasn't that I didn't want sex, it's that I didn't want sex with him. It felt like a betrayal of myself; of my feelings; feelings that I wasn't owning up to, that probably our relationship was already dead in the water.

Saying that, in my current relationship there have been relatively dry periods. Times when I've been stressed, or he has, and you can try all you like but you just can't make your body "game". But in those times we've still been affectionate - intimate, even - and we've both known we want things to change, and keep working towards that happening.

I'd be most worried about the lack of everyday affection to be honest. What is your relationship like in other areas? How is your communication? I would seriously question if this lack of sex isn't the symptom of problems in your relationship rather than the cause.

All the best OP, it must be so confusing and I'm sure it does your confidence no good. Crossing my fingers for you that whatever the outcome you feel better soon.

pissedonatrain Fri 15-Jun-18 11:26:45

I'm wondering if he has a porn addiction?

I had zero clue my H had one until a few months after we were married.

He also made the comment about me wanting it all the time.

Later on, I believe he did it to punish me (passive aggressive control) and I kept trying only to be rejected over and over and he'd say "not interested".

Anyway, I would have a serious talk with him and put a deadline on him to go to the GP or something. You'll have to decide if you can live with this or not. I couldn't.

sunsunsunsunsun Fri 15-Jun-18 17:00:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollowTalk Fri 15-Jun-18 17:05:44

Nothing saps your confidence like this. He's blaming you for having normal sexual desires. He's trying to make you feel guilty and to feel like a freak. That is very, very calculated and unkind.

His sex life is as he wants it now. He doesn't want more sex. Yes, if you divorced him it's likely he'd have more for a few weeks with someone new, then it would stop again.

You're too young to settle for a life without sex. His way of dealing with it (calling you a rapist) is disgusting. I'd be looking for a way out.

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