Apologies for the length of this post, however despite editing three times, I don't feel I can make it any shorter.
OK, take a seat ..
My parents live 4 hours' drive from me and I have just returned having spent a rather arduous 48 hours in their company. I tend not to see them that often (twice a year, in the past few years) as every time we spend more than a few hours together, resentments and issues crop up and an aggressive atmosphere occurs.
Throughout my childhood they have always drank (big parties in the house when we were younger, me coming back from spending the night at DGPs to find hungover strangers in my childhood bed), smoked a lot of weed, other drugs depending on the occasion, weekends were spent down the pub... always put a priority over our needs (there's just DB and me) - I remember my mum saying she'd done a weekly shop for 4 people on 5 pounds however always enough money for booze and fags, but if I needed a new pair of jeans as was wearing halfmasts, it was an utter ball ache to go out and purchase and I was never grateful enough - just don't realise how easy I've got it etc - no extra curricular activities/encouragement, as 'why should I give up my free time for you to do XYZ' etc).
Both my parents had tough upbringings and I believe they have been together now for 40 years as they allow enable the other.. and whilst they have always 'partied', in the past few years, since retirement, they have got dramatically worse. For example, my dad (69 yo) ploughed through 2.5 litres of wine plus 3 triple brandies on Sunday, but 'soaked it up' with 2 tablespoons of pilau rice and quarter of a naan bread...
I find it very difficult to 'let them live their own lives' when I see they state the pair of them are in. Yes, they are adults, however I cannot help but worry about them and want to help. On the flip side, I cannot forget or forgive the violence and aggression that was foisted on me and my brother. (My brother received the worst of it, however I do remember barricading myself in my bedroom with every piece of furniture I could shift, aged 9, as DF tried to kick the door down, calling me a 'fucking cunt' and a 'fucking whore' - I had a falling out with him a couple of years ago when I very calmly, non-judgementally, brought this up, and of course he denied all knowledge of this (he wouldn't have remembered because he was drunk at the time. I, however, remember it as one of the saddest memories of my childhood) and said I was making it up and told me to 'get to bed. fucking get to bed' - I was 37 at the time, in my own home... and we've never brought it up again.
I later told my mum about this exchange and she said 'well, darling, I knew he could be a little violent, I meant he's clumped me a couple of times, but I doubt I would have ever let him hurt one of my babies..'. then in the same breath she said 'but I do recall I time I threatened to call the police as he was about to throw DB down the stairs (DB was 14 at the time)...
A childhood of chaos and unpredictability - as a result, I went through a period of eating disorders (my dad 'fucking hates fat people'), promiscuity (for which I've been called a whore by him, in public at parties & other social gatherings, throughout my entire adult life) self harming and depression when I was 16 and sorted it out myself via a CPN, medication and leaving home at 17 whilst still at school. When having been encouraged by my counsellor to confide in them about what was going on, I was told 'Oh darling, don't be so silly'...
Anyway, as I say, Ive just spent a weekend with them, caring for my mum who has been bed bound for 6 weeks (and not sought medical assistance) and once again dealing with a drunk, snarling, aggressive father. At one point, he snapped at me and I swear, if he'd been 20 years younger he would have hit me...luckily he can't move that fast nowadays and I'm somewhat stronger and taller than him...
I could go on forever about the things that make me very very sad, angry and hurt -and then I have that inbuilt self-doubting thought of 'am I just being dramatic? Should I not just 'get over' this.. Am I mad for overthinking and carrying on this resentment and anger and sadness? They (he) really doesn't believe he has done anything wrong and I am 'too sensitive'. If I try to bring anything up, I get told to 'fucking shut up'...
The questions I really want to ask are, if you went through the same sort of childhood, how the hell did you 'let go? Did you forgive? Did you heal? Did you cut an alcoholic parent off? Where did you get support? When was your 'aha' moment of realising your upbringing was not 'normal'? (I was 35, having a failed marriage to an alcoholic - qu'elle surprise- and a lifetime of relationships with addicts). I'm just a bit overwhelmed and whilst I can chat to friends about it, none of them have experienced similar.
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Alcoholic elderly parents
justkeepswimming25 · 12/06/2018 19:43
I have been unable to let go because I’d never see the nice headsburiedinsand side of the family. I didn’t experience the violence, but the drunken behaviour is very familiar. At 80, my parents are still horrible drunks, but because it’s only from 4pm onwards, it’s apparently ok 
I’m very lc, see them twice a year.
Why are still going to stay with people who abused you, OP? FOG?
Aha moment was when I found out F was a drunk driver who was also financially abusing DM. Until that point he was just a sleepy drunk in denial. Knowing he'd deceived us all for such a long time and done such awful things fundamentally changed my view of him. We've barely spoken since, however he is still married to DM who is convinced she can change him 
I have very little to do with him, but support DM where I can as I understand she is codependent for reasons beyond her control.
He's very ill at the moment and I give zero fux. DH thinks I'll regret this as at some point but I've been dealing with this shit for 20+ years and am just so over it.
Support comes from friends in RL as unfortunately many all of us seem to have at least one alcoholic parent.
for you, OP.
There’s a nice Facebook group called COAisathing that you might find helpful.
It's not giving up to realise you don't deserve to be treated badly and to accept that they won't change.
I don't see my father any more. My life is much better without him in it.
I'm sorry OP. I agree with a PP it is NOT you. It's them.
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