How do I get through this

[sosks]

Don't know if this is the right place for this but here goes.

I've posted many times on mn about my son who was born sleeping last year in August, he was my first child. My relationship became (more) EA and verging on physically abusive after the loss and I left.

I've struggled a lot lately with not having any kids or any idea when I'll ever be able to hold my own child in my arms again.

I just wanted to know if anyone had any suggestions for how I can get through this time?

I've been working on the finances my ex ruined as a goal for one day being able to try again. I need things I can focus on to get by but I don't know what else I can do.

Any ideas please? I need something productive to do

[sosks]

Basically I'm asking how to make the wait more bearable! Realise that my post doesn't make a lot of sense

[justme28]

I'm sorry, I can't be much help.

I've been in a similar situation and didn't cope well so not in a position to offer any advice, but just wanted to say that I know how you feel and it will get better.

[sosks]

@justme28 thank you, sorry for your loss too just stumped what I can do now, need something to keep me going forward

[ashamedofthis2]

Sorry I don't have any advice, jusr wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss

[Singlenotsingle]

Please don't think I'm trying to be funny (I'm not) or that I'm unsympathetic, but have you thought about getting something to love, as a substitute for the time being, until you're in a position to try again? A puppy maybe? A lady I know has had six children but now the youngest has just started school and she's too old for any more babies, she's got a puppy and is totally in love with it.

[sosks]

@ashamedofthis2 thank you 

@Singlenotsingle not at all, looking for any answers really! I actually have 2 cats already though so more pets not really feasible would love to look after another kitten but lack the space. They've been a huge help but my mind still wanders too much.

[eightfacesofthemoon]

I think it just takes time. You can’t rush any healing process and you’ve been through a fuck of a lot.
Try and be kind to yourself, you can’t force yourself to be “normal” again, you’ve got to go through it unfortunately, you can’t jump over it.
Not meaning to sound mean! It’s just the way it is.

[sosks]

@eightfacesofthemoon You don't sound mean at all! I know I've got a long way to go grieving wise, but I keep getting consumed by the fact I don't know if or when I'll ever get to try again and I feel like that's holding me back in terms of moving forward? I think I need something I can look forward to and focus on to keep my mind off it, or at least channel that energy into something a bit more useful!

[eightfacesofthemoon]

I see where you’re coming from.
I would probably say you’re dealing with different types of grief. Loss of your beloved child, loss of the relationship and then the grief of not knowing your future with regards to having another child.
Do you have a counsellor you could talk to about your fear? You can’t force moving forward, but perhaps there are coping mechanisms you can learn to deal with that particular anxiety?

Though not in the exact same position as you, I have serious anxiety about never having children and having left it too late, and I think perhaps it does hold me back from meeting someone because of how I feel. So it’s like a self fulfilling prophecy.

Was thinking of joining some clubs so I’m just not sitting at home watching my life slip by. But even that is tough! It may help though. Have you wanted to learn to do something??

[category12]

Have you had any support - you could talk to Sands?

[DianaT1969]

Sorry for your loss OP. When you say try again and finances, do you mean finding a new relationship and IVF? Not sure of your age and if you're worrying about the window on fertility? Could freezing your eggs, or having a baby as a single parent through a sperm bank donor be an option in the future when you feel ready?

[KyloRenaissance]

DD1 would have been 25 today. She died aged 1 month.

10 years later I had 3 healthy children. It was awful at the time but time helps with healing. You never forget but it gets less painful.

You are still so raw. Take each day as it comes x

[sosks]

@eightfacesofthemoon

I think the grief of not having a child is what I'm struggling with most at the moment and what's holding me back. I've managed to make progress with everything else except this. My old counsellor is giving me a couple of sessions as a sort of gesture of goodwill, so I do have a counsellor of sorts! I saw him last week but had a lot to catch up from when I last saw him, namely what happened with my ex, so didn't get round to asking about this. He does think I'm coping very well on the whole though.

I get that, I really hope you do meet someone that deserves you, and will give you as many kids as you're hoping for. You seem lovely and the fact you've taken the time to chat with me about this even though you've not experienced the same says a lot! It is that horrible anxiety of not knowing if or when you'll even be able to have kids, that's what's getting me down so much.

I learned a lot of random things in my university days because I stayed at home a lot so I've worked through a lot of things I'm interested in already maybe I could revisit one and take it a bit further? I did a lot of creative type things like special effects makeup, sewing, video editing, anything that piqued my interest! I actually recently learned to sculpt with clay, I made a small model of my son as I'd wanted something tangible. That could be something to revisit as I still have all the materials!

[sosks]

@category12 I've not got as much support as I did. I was in a baby loss forum but nobody posts any more as all the regular posters are expecting rainbows I have thought about Sands but I think my local Sands only does group sessions and I'm really not keen on the idea of that.

@DianaT1969 Not IVF no, my ex put me into a huge amount of debt with gambling and drugs. I'm trying to sort my finances out so if/when the time comes, I can actually afford it. I'm only 24 but whilst that means I have more time to try, I also have more time to wait. I could get into relationships and fail over and over again and keep starting back at square one and that terrifies me a little.

@KyloRenaissance sorry for your loss I'm just months younger than your DD would have been, I'll be 25 in January. What got you through the wait to try again? Because that's what I'm struggling with the most. I've got to the point where I've accepted my son couldn't be here, he wasn't well. But I can't accept that I have no kids, and won't for I don't know how long. I know I'm young yet, but as I said to Diana above, that makes it worse in my head. I could have so much longer to wait.

[Onesundaymorning]

Hi, sadly, I've been in a similar position. My first son was stillborn. It was utterly devastating and affected every aspect of my life. I was signed off work for 6 months and had regular counselling sessions from someone who specialised in the area. Speaking to her really helped. I also used the SANDS website a lot. Reading posts from people in a similar position really helped. What I didn't do enough though was speak to family and friends about it; I knew they were struggling too so I chose to only talk to the counsellor, which probably didn't help.
I think my main piece of advice is to be kind to yourself and realise that grief takes a long time to process. Look after yourself physically and try to ease yourself into the real world again in tiny steps. I found (and still do to a certain extent) socialising difficult because I felt alienated from normal chit chat, and found tv/films ha triggers that were upsetting. Going for a walk, swimming etc. are good for clearing the mind. Your crafts sound like an excellent way to do this.
I understand that having another baby will be a huge focus for you and you will feel a huge lack of control because you can't do it now. It's hard to deal with. But, although I have been lucky enough to have another son now, I realise now that I didn't give myself enough time to process everything, find joy in life again and feel more normal again before I had my son. This meant that I had quite a lot of anxiety and general exhaustion that I hadn't dealt with before he came along. I realise this now my little boy is 2 and a half: I spent the first year on a real high alert. What I wanted to express is that actually time to heal a little can be a good thing. Life can change very quickly and you may find yourself in a position to try again soon- spend this time now revitalizing yourself.

I'm so sorry that you are in this position. It truly is the most heart breaking thing. Take care.

[KyloRenaissance]

@sosks I don't know what got me through. Good friends and a hope things would turn out for the best.

But in the period straight after, it was dreadful.

[beingsunny]

You are very young at 24, I would focus on your career and self for the next five years, you will find satisfaction and contentment in this and at the right time will meet an amazing man with who you can have a family with.

Your confidence and self esteem are your priority here as it sounds as though you have had a terrible experience.

Fine work you love, make new friends who inspire you to do more and be happier.