New baby and marriage

[Rainforestbabyhat]

I would love to hear your experiences and perhaps advice re keeping relationship strong in first baby’s first year.

Our beautiful little girl is two months old and I absolutely love being a mum but feel like our relationship isn’t what it was and it’s the only thing getting me down, although the hormones and sleep deprivation might be making me over sensitive. (Breastfeeding and being woken every 1-2 hours at the moment at night although she did manage a 3.5 hour stretch last night and night before so we might be on right track!)

DH is good with little one although admits he admires my patience as I think he’d find longer periods a bit trying! He plays with her when passing and cuddles when he gets in from work etc and usually does bathtime, otherwise I look after her with him watching her for half an hour or so every other day while I go for a run and walk dog or have a bath and hair wash etc. We’re sleeping in separate rooms at the moment (I sneak in for sex when baby put down for night so it’s all a bit rushed!)

We have always shared household tasks with DH possibly doing slightly more as I worked longer hours and he usually cooks and dog walks.

I think the problem is he gets resentful that I’m not getting more done in the day round house or dinner cooked ready so he has to when he gets in, and I feel like I’m managing well with baby and not appreciated (although I don’t resent our little one and really enjoy being with her, it’s tough without a break). He’s just a bit short with me a lot of the time and if I ask for something (ie a picture of me with the baby, as all our relatives had some of them and her and I didn’t have any nice ones) he looks really put upon and like I’m trying his patience. Then again another time he was very happy to and got some lovely ones, but I felt I had to ask at the right time.

I do offer to swap so I do cooking and he looks after baby but I get the impression he feels I should do both. Weekends are similar as he does a lot of DIY as we’ve been renovating.

More and more I find I can put baby down and she’ll be happy to be left for a short period so I can get things done but the rest of the time she wants to be held. I do all the washing and cleaning. We are making it out and about to mother and baby groups etc as I’m sure baby enjoys being out of the house.

I’ve never known DH to be grumpy or short with me before and I react by acting needy which is weird for me as felt very equal in our relationship before. We do have a laugh about it sometimes and we’re certainly not at each other’s throats 24/7 but I am finding the shift difficult and worry gradually relationship will break down. DH has been going through a lot over last few months with unwell close relative as well so I do understand he needs support and is finding things hard.

I’m guessing this is normal and so this is maybe a venting exercise more than anything else, but any thoughts would be gratefully received!

[ChaseRubbleRocky]

I've had to point out to DP that nanny and cleaner are 2 jobs, I can do what is possible while the DC are asleep or settled, but if he wants them looked after then I need to be doing that and the rest of the housework has to wait until the evening.
He seems to have got the point after me asking him to do something while holding the baby a few times and him saying 'I can't he'll cry if I put him down' and me then pointing out that's exactly what I've been telling him about the housework!

Things will settle down, we have 3 DC and once they get to 6-9 months things are back to normal mostly and we have the evenings together and are more on top of things as they're not wanting to be held all the time!

[category12]

It might be an idea for him to take your dd for a bit of a longer time, so he finds out how trying it really can be. I think it's easy to think you're just sitting around cooing over the baby and not realise how demanding they are when he's only doing the fun bits.

Honestly, you're doing really well, breastfeeding and sleep deprivation take a huge toll. You're even having sex which is pretty miraculous .

You simply can't cook and look after a tiny baby at the same time. Look for the easiest possible ways to do things and keep talking, is my main advice. The first year with my first was hell on earth.

[katmarie]

Get him to have her for a few hours if you can. My dh was very supportive but he will admit he didn't realise how hard it is to do anything else while caring for a baby.

Also consider trying a sling, I've found it useful when needing a free hand, pop baby in sling and I get a bit of time to get stuff done. As a bonus he often goes to sleep in the sling too.

[category12]

Suggest you pick her grumpiest time if you're going to hand her over for a bit - my dd was really difficult late afternoon/early evening .

[userabcname]

He definitely needs to spend more time with her to realise how demanding newborns are. My DH did everything aside feeding for the first 2 weeks when he was on paternity leave (I was recovering from a difficult birth) so he knew how tough it was. When he went back to work, he didn't expect me to do anything more than look after the baby. He would cook when he got in and at weekends he would do housework (obviously I did what I could during the week which increased as it got easier). He also took the baby both Saturday and Sunday mornings so I could catch up on sleep. Your relationship will suffer if he treats you like a housemaid and makes unreasonable demands. Parenting needs to be teamwork, not one person doing everything while the other makes demands and criticises.

[Yogagirl123]

It will get easier OP, it’s hard with a young baby. Having children does undoubtedly change relationships. But it’s only a period of adaptation, it will be fine, you are taking great care of your baby, I know my DH was very nervous around our DS’s when they were tiny babies, they are both in mid to late teens now and we have just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary, you will get through it. Congrats on your baby.

[mindutopia]

I think for now it’s helpful to think of your time with her during the day as being like a job. When you were working how did you manage the balance of jobs to be done around the house? It’s still like that, just one of you is always holding a baby so it’s hard, even with two of you home, for anything more to get done than one of you doing everything and the other holding a baby. I might get a few things done during the day (we have a school age child and a 12 week old), but pretty much everything is the same: dh still does the washing up twice a day, does bathtime (and now bedtime for our older one), cleaning, tidying, same as always. I do the food shopping, cooking, washing, school run, homework, same as always. Just instead of working I have a baby to tend to all day. I think that’s normal. It will get easier but probably not yet.

But also it sounds like your dh could do more. Mine takes our baby (after he does bathtime and bedtime for our older one) so I can have a shower and when he was younger and not sleeping as well he would take him 9pm-1am every night and pretty much walk around the house with him so I could get a solid block of sleep. Agree that giving them more time together might give him a chance to get more confident and also gain some appreciation for all that you do.

[mindutopia]

Also agree that the fact you’re having sex is pretty miraculous!

If we were doing that, my dh would happily us all live in a cardboard box in utter filth than complain about chores! After our first was born we didn’t have sex until she was 7 months and not regularly until she was 2. We were just both exhausted and bedsharing and would have rather slept most days. Our 2nd is 12 weeks and we haven’t yet (bc isn’t sorted yet and even with ebf we’re taking no chances!). Sounds like you’re doing pretty great actually and you’re dh should be very grateful. There was very little sneaking around for a long time after our first. We just collapsed in bed and slept!

[Rainforestbabyhat]

Thank you everyone. Really helpful suggestions. I talked to DH and I think it helped but equally just saying it out loud made me feel better! I suspect I might be projecting a bit too as feel a bit guilty and useless when everything gets untidy, even though there’s not a lot I can do about it

Got some cleaning done this morning though during a well timed baby nap so we’re on the right tracks!

Only having sex a couple of times a week or so but started some sort of sexual activity within a couple of weeks of birth. I’ll let DH know he is lucky 😀

[hellsbellsmelons]

I never had one but I wish I had.
A PP suggested getting a sling for baby.
You can strap her to your front or your back and get on with your day with free hands.
Might be worth a try?