unable to seem to let go

[Lostforagoodname]

I’ve namechanged, but long term user.

today I am really struggling.

How could the person I loved treat me so badly, how did I put up with it, was I just so naive that I couldn’t see how little he cared for me.

Did I just believe what I wanted to believe.

How can I move on from someone that I trusted, who continually hurt me and was cruel to me, although he didn’t want to be that way apparently.

I am in therapy, I think my therapist is frustrated that we’ve gone through this over and over and over, and I’m still not really angry. I can’t seem to get angry, I have flashes every now and again, but in the main I’m not, and I just want him in my life, seemingly at any cost to myself.

He waits until I get so tired I can’t take it anymore and I try and move away, then it changes and he’s back and I ignore all the bad things, because he was/is my best friend in life. Though I know he isn’t really.

Each time it happens, I feel a little angry that he’s doing this, and then I feel like I would sacrifice everything for it just to be back to normal.

My therapist said, surely (since the last recent picking up, then dropping) surely I must see this is who he is, I must be able to see that he hurts me all the time. They said I must walk away, and I agree, I just don’t think I am able to do it, and I feel ashamed about that, and unable to work out why.

Why can’t I just move on, I’ve read endless blogs and papers on it, I’ve been in therapy for 2 years. Sometimes it feels so bleak, I just don’t see the point, I am clearly unable to find happiness. I just survive. Barely.

What happens when you “know” the truth, but you can’t seem to act on it. Everyone else seems to have lightbulb moments, I’ve had hundreds, none have made any difference.

I know I’m wasting my life.

Anyway. Sorry for rambling, I’m good at helping other people with advice, but I am stuck and I see no way out.

[Lostforagoodname]

Shit! Sorry that was long.

[Lostforagoodname]

Just bumping if anyone is around

[TiredAndIrrational]

Hi Lost - I've been in a relationship like this and it's horrendous. Looking back, I liken it to a drug addiction - the only way I could get free of it was to quit. Go cold turkey. No contact. It hurts - oh my god, it hurts so much - but in time you get used to it and eventually you cope. And then, one day, you meet someone lovely and you realise how relationships should be, and you look at them and feel lucky every day.

But it's a battle to get there. Do you think you could go no contact?

[Lostforagoodname]

Thanks tired. I have tried on and off for 2.5 years. Even writing that makes me feel pathetic.
We work in the same industry so we see each other, not the same job, so it’s not like I can change jobs.
Even if I block him on everything he finds a way back, and I always seem to let him back.
I’m 40 and I fear I’ve lost all chance to have a family or any kind of happy relationship

[DuchyDuke]

You grow a spine and walk out. Sorry to be blunt, I do sympathise, but it is your decision to stay that is prolonging your sufferring. Just pack up your stuff and go, don’t think any more about it.

[LemonysSnicket]

You’ve made up a fantasy bond with this person. Google it and realise he never cared about you. There is no magical bond or connection between you - you’ve just decided to attach your worth and happiness to another monkey who doesn’t know any more about the world than you do.

[Luckingfovely]

Yup. There is no easy way. You just have to make the decision and stick to it. Go on. Today. You know this is poison. You can make your life better. It's only your mindset that you need to change, and you are in control of your mind, not him. You can do this.

[TiredAndIrrational]

It's absolutely not too late, Lost. I'm 40 next year and the way I see it is that hopefully I'm not even halfway through my life. I've only come out of that toxic period of my life in the last couple of years.

Are you dating? Have you considered setting up a couple of online profiles? I'll probably get flamed for this but I only truly started to get over my ex when I met someone else - not healthy, I know. But it was a distraction, helped me see there are possibilities out there.

[Lostforagoodname]

I tried dating last year. It didn’t really work. I kept getting dragged back in.
I know I need to get a spine. This is actullay helping me a lot. I don’t talk to anyone about it apart from my therapist, and it goes round and round in my head constantly.
Everytime I feel a bit strong I get dragged back into it all again and then I’m at rock bottom again.
You’re right I have made a fantasy bond, I need to get back to reality somewhow

[Muddledupagainandagain]

I am very similar to you, I know what should be done but am making constant excuses not to do it. Shall I message you?