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Relationships

Wondering why I stay in my marriage and if I could be happier with my ex

29 replies

PistachioQueen · 21/04/2018 03:58

Please bear with me as there’s a lot of background info here: My husband and I were happy and in love up until the point where I got pregnant. I felt insecure and cried a lot as we were living in rented accommodation (despite him owning several properties which he says he has to rent out for his livelihood) with damp etc, I had a 5 hour daily work commute and lived 2 hours away from my friends & family. I didn’t get a chance to do the whole “nesting” thing as our one-bedroomed flat had no space for much more than a Moses basket in the lounge. Husband didn’t take too well to the tears and started telling me I was insane, that he was going to bribe a judge to take the baby off me once it was born and even his dad and brother told him that I sounded “crazy and hormonal” and that he needed to “put her in her place” amongst other delightful comments.

Husband bought himself a brand new, top of the range sports car without even consulting me and when I expressed upset, he yelled “it’s MY money, I can do what I want with it!” It didn’t even have space for a buggy in the boot or a car seat in the back, he told me my car was to be the family car and that he HAD to have that car for his work! The irony here is that he always pleads poverty but I know he’s actually quite wealthy. He’s never wanted to share that wealth with me so I’d occasionally get a nice perfume or be taken out to some really flash restaurants but never actually bought a nice car or any decent clothes, while he’s always strutted around in designer, bespoke fitted suits and ridiculously expensive shoes. I asked for some new ankle boots one Christmas and he said he’d get them
In the January sales, then told me £90 was too expensive and that I needed to find something cheaper. I never did get those ankle boots!

Going back to the story, our rental period came to an end so I suggested moving to a friend’s/my mum’s immediately while we looked for somewhere else to rent or buy near my friends and family. As soon as this happened, he told me that he didn’t want to move and I became upset, screamed and shouted down the phone etc. He said that I was being abusive and blocked me from his phone for the last 2 months of my pregnancy! I didn’t know where he was living and his parents didn't want to know so I had no way of contacting him. I had emergency appointments due to bleeding and fainting so asked his mum to pass on a message as he’d still blocked me but he later told me that he found it “convenient” I was “suddenly hospitalised” and continued to ignore me. I wish he’d have at least showed up to call my bluff if he thought that was the case because he’d have seen that I was actually there!

My husband eventually showed up the week of my due date with no word of apology but clearly wanting to make things work. I foolishly took him back and he got his wish of being at the birth, cutting the cord and taking loads of pics to aid his bragging rights. He then went on to mock me, saying the baby looked nothing like me and people would think I was the nanny. This went on for 3 days with me getting increasingly angry, having had a traumatic labour and birth, then this! He started filming me and smirking just after saying this again (so of course, his words weren’t on camera) and I let rip and slapped him! He ran out of the hospital room, telling the midwives that I was mentally unstable and waving his video footage which he claimed was “evidence” of such behaviour. I didn’t hear from him again for several months while the baby and I moved into temporary accommodation and he appeared to be living the bachelor lifestyle with parties and trips abroad with friends I’d never even met or heard about prior to this.

Husband came back and asked to be part of our lives and after much grovelling, I eventually took him back. He started to give me money each week which was a help, albeit not enough to pay the rent and bills on my accommodation.

That was 2 years ago now and we still don’t live together. Every now and then, he takes me viewing houses (to buy) which he always finds something wrong with, then goes quiet for another 6 months until I threaten to leave him and we start looking at houses again. He sees us on the weekends and occasionally during the week and we’ve been on holiday once in all this time, which he ruined anyway. He’s pestered me for sex until I’ve gotten drunk and capitulated, however he would then turn nasty and/or condescending the following day and make me feel terrible for sleeping with him. I’ve said I want out but he’s always maintained that he loves me and wants to make things work. I suggested counselling but he said he’ll only go if I pay for it, which he knows is impossible on my salary and with mounting debts to pay. He wants to send our child to private school but the way he brags about it, I think it’s more for him to be able to show off than anything else.

I’ve tried talking to my husband about the time he left me when I was heavily pregnant and how I feel I can never trust him as he walked out on me when I was at my most vulnerable, but even to this day he denies that he left me and says that I was “so rude” that I left him no choice! He also claims that I broke a camera lens, as if that’s a valid excuse to walk out on your pregnant wife! I think he just likes telling people he’s married and has a kid but doesn’t even want to help look after our child when he’s around. Of course, he does have his good points and I’m enjoying having the extra cash from him, now that I’m back at work, but I feel that our marriage is over as I can’t get over what he did and the fact that he seems to think it was all my fault just adds insult to injury! He’s also threatened me that if I divorce him, he wants nothing more to do with our child but will strike up a relationship In 20 years! He’s hinted at telling our child that I stood in the way of them seeing each other when the truth is, he often tells me I can “find a new dad for your baby” if I want to divorce him!

Then comes along the ex boyfriend! We dated for over a year in our 20s and I broke up with him on a whim because he was late to meet me on several occasions and didn’t forewarn me. I used to break up with guys for ridiculous reasons when I was younger, yet look at me putting up with all of this from my husband! The ex has been a constant in my life over the last 14 years, telling me that he still loves me and wants to have another chance. I met up with him just before I dated my now husband and he was acting crazy so I told him his behaviour was off-putting and that was that. Turns out his business was going down the pan at the time and he was consequently going through a rough time. I wish I’d known that back then as things might have been so different.

I guess a part of me feels like I’m worthless now. I still haven’t lost the baby belly, I’m doing everything on my own, working crazy hours at work (my manager wouldn’t let me return part time so I work crazy long days which is a struggle when I get home late and baby won’t sleep, then I have to be up at 5am to do it all over again!), taking care of pets and trying to just make it through each day. I figured no one would want a saggy-bellied, sleep-deprived, workaholic single mum and then the ex starts emailing and texting asking how I am. We met up and I told him everything, he questioned me: “you’re a smart woman, how can this happen to you?” He also said I should’ve called him the day my husband walked out on me as he’d have been there for me, even as a friend.

I’ve since kept in touch with the ex, meeting up every other week and I have to say, he makes me feel alive! Nothing has happened between us but I think we both want it to. I love being around him as he makes me laugh, smile and feel that I’m actually worthy of someone’s love and attention. I’ve even found myself fantasising about leaving my husband, marrying the ex and having another child with him, perhaps having the dream pregnancy the next time round as my husband would refuse to rub my belly or talk to the baby, much less take a “pregnancy pic” with me. I know I’m probably just getting carried away in the buzz and excitement of having all this attention but I have to admit, when I’m around my ex, I feel that my life is finally going places! He doesn’t have a lot of money so I’ve gotten dolled up for a date, only for him to take me to a cheap pub which did initially upset me, but lately I’ve just been so happy being around him that none of that seems to matter.

I do feel guilty doing what I’m doing as I’m sure my husband would go ballistic if he found out. My friends say he’s probably been cheating on me this whole time anyway (when we were dating, we’d fall out then make up and he’d tell me how lonely and miserable he was without me, only for me to find messages where he was arranging dates with other women!) but this strange part of me feels bad about spending the money he gives me to travel to see my ex. I don’t know if my marriage can be salvaged or if I even want it to be, I worry about telling my friends and family about my situation as my family would tell me I need to make my marriage work (despite them all hating my husband!) and some of my friends would probably tell my husband I’ve been seeing the ex.

This whole situation is really conflicting as I’ve become a laughing stock amongst everyone, they find it laughable that I have a weekend husband who lives the bachelor lifestyle the rest of the week. My NCT group cut me off as soon as I said I was no longer living with my husband, so now I tend to hide this from any Mum friends I meet as they all seem to be happily married and I fear I wouldn’t fit in being the only one without a husband. My husband loves tagging along for nights out with other couples, playing the doting husband who lives with his wife and child, only to drive off in his big expensive car at the end of the evening!

What should I do about my marriage? Is there any chance I could ever see past everything that has happened and truly be happy with my husband, or is it time to move on, possibly with the ex? I feel so foolish for letting him go all those years ago, when he was (and still is) a truly loving, committed and genuine man. Has anyone ever been in this situation, and if so, how did things pan out?

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allthegoodnamesalreadytaken · 21/04/2018 04:03

Seriously - leave the bastard he sounds absolutely horrid!