How do I tell my mother that I'm pregnant?

[AnotherOriginalUsername]

Bit of the back story without writing something to rival war and peace...

My mother has 3 children, 3 step children (although husband, their father now deceased) and several grandchildren and step grandchildren aged between 7 and mid 20s.

She has gradually cut people off or driven people (her children, step children, grandchildren, siblings) away over the last 15 or so years to the point where I was the only family member that had any contact with her.

She's an alcoholic and our relationship has become increasingly strained over the last decade or so as her drinking has increased and ability to function normally has decreased, but I stuck by her. Things were getting very difficult around the time of my wedding and I gave her the ultimatum that she either came sober and stayed sober, or doesn't come at all. To her credit, she did this and it meant so much. I collected my dog from her when we returned from our honeymoon and she was sober again. I really thought things had changed.

Fast forward less than 2 weeks and there was an incident that pushed me over the edge and I cut my ties with her. I went to her house, collected a few possessions that I had there and left her a letter.

I was honest in the letter (something I've never been able to do, I had a very emotionless upbringing). I told her how things in my life had affected me, including my upbringing and her drinking. I told her that I loved her (something that she has never told me) and that I wanted her in my life but I couldn't carry the burden of her alcoholism any longer. I told her that my husband and I were planning on starting a family and I wanted her to be involved in the lives of any children that we have, but as she was and sober, not how she is now. There were no ultimatums given, I was careful of that. I've left the ball totally in her court and made it clear that when she can admit she has a problem, I will support her to ends of the earth in any way I can.

This was in November. I sent her flowers at Christmas, sent her a birthday card and a mother's Day card - she's still my mum, I'm not bitter, I won't be uncivil towards her. In return, I've had nothing. No thank you, no birthday text/card/Facebook post in return.
(I know she's alive as she's still active on Facebook)

It's now April, it's been 5 months and I'm pregnant. We're having a private scan at 8 weeks next weekend and assuming all is ok, will be telling family then. I obviously want to tell her, I don't want her to hear it from someone else/see a mention on Facebook etc.

How do I do it? I feel like I need to know she's received it.

Do I send something in the post? Recorded if necessary?
Do I and a text of the scan photo?

Any suggestions?

[MaisieDuke]

Hi Another
I would text her. But I wouldn't expect a reply.
If you are hoping this will make her change and become sober you may get upset.
Alcoholics are very selfish.
Congratulations on your news and try and look forward to a great life with your new family.
X

[sosks]

I don't want to scare you, so apologies if I do, but with my son (who was stillborn) I had an early scan at 9 weeks that was fine and it wasn't until 12 weeks they saw any serious abnormalities. I would suggest waiting until the 12 week scan just to be safe and give yourself more time to decide what to do - maybe a special gift. Also scans at 12 weeks are much more recognisable as a baby best of luck! xx

[CocoaGin]

Take some time to really think it through, and wait until you are 12 weeks. Then send a letter with a scan photo. It's up to her after that. Congratulations on your pregnancy

[AnotherOriginalUsername]

Thanks for the replies. My husband is wanting to tell his mum next weekend (let's face it, if anything does happen, it'll be her that supports us through it anyway) and she's likely to tell his siblings and I've already had to tell work due to the nature of what I do

[AudTheDeepMinded]

She is not likely 'to tell the siblings' if you request her not to? You have valid and good reasons for that request.

[Swallowfalls]

I would tell MIL but make it clear you want only her to know for now, either because you want to wait til 12 weeks or that you need time to figure out how to handle things with your mum. They're both completely valid reasons and any reasonable person would understand and respect your wishes. I think the extra time to think through how/whether to tell your mum is a good idea.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Your mother's primary relationship is with drink; nothing and no-one else matters to her. Her next thoughts likely as well centre around where the next drink is going to come from.

I doubt whether your mother becoming a grandmother will change anything re this dysfunctional dynamic you write about; her primary relationship is still with drink after all. Examine your own reasons further through therapy if necessary as to why you want to contact her; is it the hope that somehow she will be a better grandmother to your child this time around than she is a mother to you?. To pay attention to you, to finally get off the drink?. All that is unlikely to happen. There was also no response either from her to your cards or carefully worded letter; she is still selfish at heart and that will not and has not changed. She has had her chances with you, you have been more than reasonable towards her (again through your own FOG) and she has blown them and you out. You have to step away now completely for your own sanity and peace of mind. It is hard being the last one left but its really more than ok for you to walk away now. You cannot save her and trying to do that will also destroy you.

Be aware that your supporting her at all could also tip all too easily into enabling and that will only give you a false sense of control. It does not help you or her for that matter.

The only person that can help your mother is her, not you as her daughter and you are woefully underqualified to help her in any case. Besides which she neither wants your help or support. Ultimately you can only help your own self.

She has not at all responded to any cards etc that you have sent so stop with the contact. I would not contact her further in any case and I would certainly keep her away from your as yet unborn child too. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she won't in all likelihood be a decent grandmother figure to your child (your most precious of resources) either.

Contacting Al-anon may be a good starting point for you particularly if you've never spoken to them before now. Deal with your own codependency, fear, obligation and guilt re your mother before it further bites you on the behind.

This link may well be helpful to you as well:-

www.nacoa.org.uk/adults.html

[AnotherOriginalUsername]

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for taking the time to write such a long reply.

Just to clarify though, I am absolutely fine. I've sorted myself out, I've done the therapy, I've taken the medication, I've felt better in the last 6 months since cutting contact than I have in years. I have a great support network and I work in mental health so have access to resources etc. should they be required.

It makes no difference to me whether she continues drinking or not. The main reason that I've sent cards/flowers etc. is so that she doesn't have any ammunition for future use (knowing exactly what she's like). It's also been a way of keeping a channel of communication open, like I said, once she's ready to admit she has a problem I will help her in any way I can.

There is no way that she would be involved in the life of our child unless she is sober. I feel like I should inform her that I'm pregnant (not sure why though!), probably again so that she doesn't have any ammunition ("you don't care about me, you couldn't even be bothered to tell me you were pregnant, I had to find out from the neighbours cousins grandad's dog" type thing)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

AnotherOriginalUsername

I am glad that you are feeling better in your own self but there are a couple of comments in your post which makes me think there is still some additional stuff here for you to work through. Am glad that you have and can call on support in your workplace but NACOA may be worth contacting as well.

I see no mention of your dad; is he in your life at all?.

These comments are what I picked up on:-
"once she's ready to admit she has a problem I will help her in any way I can"

You cannot afford to give away any more of yourself than you can afford to lose. You need to realise that you cannot help her at all even if she does admit to herself that she has a drink problem. Given her behaviours to date this is unlikely and alcoholics are more often than not mired in denial re their alcoholism. Its not your fault she is the ways she is; you did not cause that to happen to her.

I would not waste your money on sending her any more cards etc, spend it instead on your own self. She knows where you are.

Re your comment:-
"I feel like I should inform her that I'm pregnant (not sure why though!), probably again so that she doesn't have any ammunition"

I am also wondering if you have read about co-dependency in relationships because where alcoholism is concerned codependency often follows. She perhaps taught you to be codependent and perhaps a people pleaser. Deal with your feelings surrounding you wanting to tell her about your pregnancy; its perhaps more to do with feeling obligated on your part rather than perhaps providing her with ammo. Feelings on your childhood may come to the forefront a lot more when you become a parent yourself so be prepared for that backlash too.

If you have not read the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward its worth reading as there is a section on alcoholic parents.

[AnotherOriginalUsername]

Thanks again @AttilaTheMeerkat

To answer the points in your post - my father is deceased. I never had much of a relationship with him anyway (very sporadic contact as a child, nothing for about 10 years prior to his death)

When I say I'll help if I can, I'm thinking moral support, helping with practicalities - getting to appointments etc.

I wouldn't say that codependency is an issue at all. I moved out at 18, have never been back besides visiting for a few hours at a time. She's a grown woman, she's responsible for her own decisions and actions. In fact I'd say the opposite - I'm very detached from my relationship with her (and a lot of other people) as a result. It's taken a lot of learning to get to where I am now emotionally (with my husband, friends, nieces/nephews etc.)

I've read the Toxic Parents book a few times - the first time in my late teens after being recommended by an older friend who had had similar issues to mine at a similar age, the most recent being during my most recent course of therapy (finished in January)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Another

Am most sorry to read about your late father.

Re your comment:-
"When I say I'll help if I can, I'm thinking moral support, helping with practicalities - getting to appointments etc"

Why are you still bothering with her?. I know its hard being the last one left but you need to think about why you are still thinking like the above. How would you at all know she has appointments to attend?. She has not acknowledged your cards in any way and she has made no contact with you directly. What do you think doing the above would achieve with her?. Her to acknowledge wrong doings towards you, its not going to happen.

You cannot help your mother and doing that simply enables her and gives you a false sense of control. All you would set yourself up for with her doing that is more misery.

Apart from anything else she does not actually want your support; you will have more than enough with your own family unit going forward without having to ferry about your selfish mother here and there.

[AnotherOriginalUsername]

As far as I'm concerned the past is the past, it is what it is and it's shaped me to be the person I am today and I'm happy with who and what I am.

Why do I care? Because whether I like it or not she's my mother and I'm a good person?