How can I forgive?

[Friendslover]

My DH spent a year being emotional abusive towards me (name calling, sarky comments, gaslighting, aggressive, emotionally distant). I had long suspected him to be suffering from depression as this was so out of character for him. He was/is going through some work & his own family issues.

Recently after commencing anti depressants he is starting to return to his normal self- happier, more relaxed. The problem I have is I seem to be unable to forget how he treated me (this was just after the birth of DS so felt very vulnerable myself) & the fact he took so long to seek medical help.

I have always tried to support him & will continue to do so but I am finding it hard to forgive.

Is it just time? He acknowledges that he wasn't nice to me but now just wants to move on & forget about it, which I'm struggling to do

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Yourmentalhealthmatters2017]

Do you love him?
Could you imagine your life with out him?

[sheddooropen]

What an awful thing to go through :( it is just a case of time however if after several months you still feel like this then it maybe that you have fallen out of love/ lost feelings for him. I had this with a friend of mine (I know its not the same) but once she got back to her normal self I couldn't just forgive and forget and we are still on speaking terms but not as close as we were

[KT63]

Of course he wants to move on, it suits him to forget how awful he was to you. You have the right to be heard and for him to really acknowledge (not just nod and say sorry) what you’ve been through and how hard it was for you too.

[Gemini69]

Of course he wants to forget about it .... it's much convenient for him to sweep it under the carpet and move on....free of guilt too

Personally I'd struggle to forgive too.... I'm not sure I'd know where to go from here either

[RafikiIsTheBest]

Since he is doing better, is aware that there is a problem (his mental health) and acknowledges he treated you badly would he be willing to try some counselling together?
I'd be honest with him and yourself. If you love him start by telling him that, tell him you are trying to forgive his behaviour but are struggling with it and therefore don't seem to be able to move on. You obviously want to move on, but you need some help to do so.

[RatRolyPoly]

I strongly urge you to seek some counselling - couples counselling that is. Before you can forgive him - and before he can forgive himself - he first needs to face up to the reality of what he put you through, and know how bad that was and how much it's affected you.

Of course he wants to brush it all under the carpet, because he doesn't want to have to face up to how he treated you. e's deluding himself that it wasn't that bad and that you're overreacting so he doesn't have to look the uncomfortable truth in the face. But he needs to face up to it first and foremost.

If he doesn't ever come to see what he's done as bad and allow you the right to be upset about it, the difference of your two perspectives when remembering this time will be storing up problems for your future - I'm sure of it!

(Armchair psychology session over )

[ShatnersWig]

Put the shoe on the other foot.

Let's say you had severe post natal depression and treated your husband badly and took ages to seek medical help but were now back to your previous self?

What would you hope your husband would do?

[Adora10]

So depression turns you into a nasty bully, not that I've seen; sorry but I think this is who he is and I'd be very wary of continuing with him; he seems to think any time things go wrong in his life you are there to belittle and abuse; not right, and I doubt it's all down to the depression.

In other words, you'd be better moving on from him.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Has he ever acknowledged how he acted towards to? Or apologised for it?

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

*Towards you, sorry!

[ShatnersWig]

Adora don't know how much experience you have of depression (I know you say you've not seen it personally) but I can assure you, having been there three times myself, and known several other people who have suffered it, it can absolutely change your personality quite drastically.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You say he is starting to get back to being a nice person? Does that mean he is still a dickhead a lot of the time?

You'd support him. OK. Would he support you? Did he support you? Is he supporting you now?

Why do you have to pretend it didn't happen? Don't your feelings matter to him?

Is it all about his feelings? Sad face, puppy dog eyes? If you talk about it you might "push" him back into depression and then he will be horrible again and it will be all your fault for holding a grudge (nb: it won't be your fault, and it isn't a grudge it is awareness of another person's personality).

[KT63]

It can change your personality, as can many MH dx. I become withdrawn, unable to communicate properly and angry and tearful. That anger has never translated into abusing my partner or my children. Because while depression may have taken most of me, it didn’t take my ability to control my tongue.

[Adora10]

I do know that Shat, I am just wary that this is all down to his depression when in fact it might be a character trait, a lot of men turn nasty when the woman is pregnant, or they may be playing away or whatever; either way, abuse usually increases when the woman is vulnerable, not saying I am right here but I would say to the OP to be very careful and he has to understand that it may take you years to forgive his treatment of you.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

So what if the dickish was caused by depression?

When the chips were down he failed to cope and took it out on the people who needed him most and didn't get help for ages. The cause doesn't change the situation for OP one jot. Well, maybe if it was something that could be cured quickly never to return. Which certainly isn't depression.

What's going to happen next time he gets stressed and depressed? Same thing most likely. This is how he is under pressure.

Forgiveness is one thing. Unknowing what you know about him is a entirely different thing.

[TheStoic]

I don’t blame you for struggling to forgive, OP. I don’t think I’d be able to.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I bet he wants to move on! Why wouldn't he?

I've seen it written here (and don't doubt it for one second) that abusive men will often ramp up the abuse when their partner is pregnant / just had a baby. It's as if they sense the vulnerability and, instead of stepping up the care and kindness like a decent man would. they use the "opportunity" to exert control.

I would worry that next time the chips are down, he'll do the same

[Yourmentalhealthmatters2017]

The main thing is that he has now recognised and accepted he needs help.

The man I am seeing is at the beginning of accepting he needs help.... I'm currently thinking of an excuse to have a day off from work to see him during the week... any suggestions welcome lol