Mediocre Marriage

[TelekenesisThesis]

No cheating, no abuse, no blazing rows, no addictions. But loneliness, no communication and crap sex.

He’s a good dad but an absent husband. Does his own thing. Isn’t going to change (I’ve tried!) won’t go for counselling. Won’t talk about it full stop.

I think I want more than this but can’t help but think things aren’t bad enough to leave him.

Anyone else been here before? Did you stay or go?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If he won't go to counselling (such men more often than not never attend) then go on your own. Would friends and family be shocked if you announced that you and your spouse were divorcing?.

You are not wrong to want more than the pittance he offers you. And he is not a good dad if he treats you all with such disdain. His absence will be noted by his kids and seen by them as their norm too. What does he get out of this relationship, better to be apart and potentially happier than to be together and miserable. One day your kids will leave home, what then for you and he if you are still together then?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. Would you want this sort of relationship for your children as adults, no you would not. So stop teaching them that this is still acceptable to you on some level. You're showing them that you get something out of this relationship still but what that is who knows. A lonely marriage with no communication and crap sex is a marriage you really should not stay in. Why have you stayed with him to date, are you simply together for the kids now?. They won't thank you for staying with their dad and they pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken at home.

Women in rubbish relationships or those long past their sell by date often write the good dad comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man, just as you have done.

[SmokedGlass]

Hi Tele
I had a relationship like that for 27 years
Started off well, middle years were a struggle for us both, lots of resentment on my part so hence the last few years were awful
Out of the blue one day 2 years ago I decided no more, I felt lonely, he wasn’t that interested in me or doing anything with me and there was no intimacy anymore. I had always felt that he hadn’t wanted to rock the boat so he stayed put to have an easy life

We have adult children who are all successful and happy so for me I had no reason to stay
It was a complete shock to him when I finally said I couldn’t carry on anymore
He had a breakdown and his world was rocked
The kids blamed me, they saw a strong man crumple

Long story short, we stayed good friends for a couple of years, spent lovely occasions together with the family, had a couple of holidays together and got on well, we sold the family home and bought individual properties

He then met someone a year ago, moved in with her and her teenage children, and in all honesty is happier now than he was with me and he knows this
He’s not allowed to talk to me anymore and has wiped me out of his life
I’ve accepted this and am just sad that after all those years it came to this

Me, I plod along, went back to work, which I bloody love.
I didn’t work for many years, I was always told I was needed more at home, we didn’t need the money so why put myself through all the stress (he said)
I have a great group of friends, have a hobby I love, the odd date here and there and my financial independence and I travel
All in all a good life
I bought up a family who are happy and good people so I feel I’ve achieved a great thing, but sometimes and only sometimes, I miss my old family life
I often wonder what would have happened if I stayed

Think about things deeply, don’t accept mediocre, you only have one life, enjoy it with your husband if you can, talk with him and explain how you feel, we never communicated in the last few years so it snowballed
You must talk to your husband, also think about some counselling for yourself - talking really helps and puts everything into perspective

[April229]

I left. And didn’t regret it. He can still be a good dad from a different house, and he’s not that great if he won’t talk about the problems in a way that could save your relationship.

[TelekenesisThesis]

Thank you so much.

I have talked to him about how I feel and the summary is that if I don’t like things as they are then I mustn’t love him.
He doesn’t accept there’s a problem. And is therefore not willing to change. At all. We talked last week and there has been zero change.

[SmokedGlass]

That’s what I was told - load of total crap really
He doesn’t want to address any problems, if you don’t talk about them, they don’t exist scenario
There is a problem, one of you is desperately unhappy and wants to fix things, the other sticks his head in the sand until it finally goes tits up

It has to be discussed in a non judgemental way or else it gets worse, you bury things and resentment builds, a year or so from now if nothing has been discussed, addressed / resolved it will erupt into something more
Pity I never practised what I preach !

[Djnoun]

The words mediocre marriage make me feel a little unwell. Could anything be worse, bar abuse? You'd be happier alone, surely? And then you would have hope

[TelekenesisThesis]

I agree that on an emotional level I would be much happier apart.

But I’m terrrified of the practical and financial side of things. I live in a very expensive area. I couldn’t afford to live on my income alone. I couldn’t bear to sell our house, I’ve spent so many years building it into a lovely home.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its not really a home you live in though is it, its basically bricks and mortar.

Financial and practical reasons are not good enough to be staying within such a marriage and no obstacle is actually insurmountable. Fear is worse than the reality. Your second paragraph is your excuses and inertia/fear kicking in here, your fear of change. Change is different but do you really want another 10-15 years, even more, of the same from your H i.e. a lonely marriage with no communication and crap sex?. Do not sell yourself that short.

[Mikethenight2good]

Op going through something similar myself. Scared to leave but so unhappy to stay. Young family too so have to take that into consideration.
I recommend going for counselling by yourself. It's helping me figure stuff out. It's not easy but it definitely helps.
Good luck x

[SmokedGlass]

I gave up the beautiful family home and the financial security, cars, holidays, everything that we worked hard for over the years
Nothing is more important than happiness in yourself, you can give your kids a loving, happy, beautiful home on your own
Bricks and mortar mean nothing when the love isn't there
You will make a new life, it all takes a bit of getting used to but you will do it
My kids think I'm wonderful now, strong and independent, it took some time for them to understand and forgive me for the breaking up of the family unit, they also see now there were two sides of the story
I'll never forget my family life but now its my time, still a bit scary but if I can do it, any woman can
You will know when you are ready