Is it best to stay for children or leave for my MH

[sunni13]

Been with my dh 7 years have 2 children together and 2 with exh, only been married for 4 and I am so unhappy in the relationship. I am a full time student doing a degree and am the main carer to my children, I love my life my children are all doing great, studying is going better than I ever expected and I am heading in the right direction. However, my dh bores the life out of me, he never wants to go anywhere together, never wants to have a conversation, doesn't do anything with the children, play, homework etc.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 2 years ago after a major loss in my family which hit me hard and was unexpected however I kept up with my studies, looked after my children and have been battling on.
I found my dh to be very unsupportive through all of this and at the beginning of last year I was at a real low with my depression. dh than announced he had a new job and was working away and spent the majority of last year working out of town and coming home on a weekend. I got into a great routine with the children, house, university etc and my depression and anxiety seemed to almost disappear (except for a weekend when he was home, he was spending most of the weekend in bed tired from working).
Now he's home permanently and has been in and out of work for the last few months, which has caused my depression and anxiety to return.
Last year I discovered he had run up a huge amount of debt through gambling and then was using his wage to try and pay it off before I found out, leaving me and the children without a lot of the time, he also lost his driving licence last year due to drink driving.
He had some run ins in the past with the police but I really thought he had grown up, I'm flying in my studies and feel like I'm going somewhere and I hate to say it but I think he is holding me back from the happy life I could have with just me and my children, he is disengaged from family life, he does very little in the house mostly nothing. He contributes financially to the household but that's about it, when he's home he has his head in his phone it is so lonely and boring. I spend a lot of my time brooding over our crappy relationship.
I spoke to my mum about how I was feeling she dismissed me, told me all men are the same, think about the children, stop being selfish, .
I'm stuck!

[MrsPatmore]

What are your prospects once your degree is finished? I would be planning to leave as soon as possible. The children will be okay - they will adapt and it's better for them to have a happier mum. Start getting your ducks in a row, it will help you to feel more positive if you have a plan.

[fusspot66]

Whatever you do, don't leave your children behind. Your husband is a gambler and a drinker. That's more than enough reason to start a divorce and you don't want him to claim to be the primary carer for the children when he's so disengaged.

[WhiteVixen]

No. No no no. All men are not the same. What 1950s drivel. You have said yourself, he contributes nothing to the family, you prefer it when he is not there. You only have one life OP, is this really the one you want to be living?

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

You being happy and mentally healthy is so much more important to your kid's wellbeing than the permanent presence of a father who is utterly disengaged with them.

It's not leaving for your MH or staying for the children, it's leaving for the children!

[letsdolunch321]

Interesting you felt much better when DH was working away - I totally understand how you felt, was same with me when exh left.

He isn’t adding much to the running of the house/childcare etc I would get rid of him.

From your comments you and the children cope well without him. Start putting steps in place to tell him it is over.

Good luck.

[sunni13]

Thank you all for your supportive comments :) MrsPatmore- After finishing my degree I'm going to continue with my studies so I can go into my chosen career at a higher level. fusspot66- I would never leave my children, my children are my world and everything I do is for them which is why the thought of separating from dh is so scary as I don't want it to impact on my children too much.

[fusspot66]

Sorry I misunderstood. You will all be happier out of his orbit.

[f83mx]

Your mum is wrong - all men do not drink drive, run up gambling debts and pay minimal/no attention to their wife and kids.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

sunni

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?. Nothing at all from what you write here. You and he need to be apart, all he is doing here is dragging you and your kids down with him. This man is a millstone around your necks. It will impact on them far more going forward if you stay than if you were to separate from him.

Your mother is wrong on so many levels; staying for the sake of the children is no reason to remain within this relationship at all. She also does not live with him and she should realise too that not all men are the same at all. They are all individuals for a start and some are far better than others. Which brings me to the question what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. If your mother's responses are anything to go by then she imparted a lot of damaging stuff to you. He is a drinker and gambler and that comes first and foremost to him; not you or the children. You do not mention your own dad in all this; where is he?.

I would seek legal advice with a view to divorce asap because knowledge as well is power.

If you really do think about the children here you will realise that this not the sort of environment they really should not be growing up in as they could come to accept this as their norm too. You want this for them as adults, hell no. Stop doing your bit here to show them that currently at least this is still acceptable to you on some level.

[sunni13]

My own dad is the best, hardworking family man does a lot for me and my children and my parents have been together since they were young. I do not understand were my mum gets some of her views from! She was telling me recently about a friend crappy husband not supportive etc etc shes left him and is happier than ever. I told her this is how I felt and I believe I would be happier single, she shot me down told me I'm different and I will never be happy and to just make the best of it for the children. I've spoken to my husband on many occasions about how I am feeling and that I would like him do more of his share regarding children and housework etc but nothing changes, he wants me to be more of a housewife which is not me. I want more to life than cooking and cleaning I am ambitious and have found something I am passionate about and that I am good at , and I want a bit of adventure in life (with my children, I don't want to run off on my own or anything and the thought of another relationship does nothing for me what so ever) He thinks I'm being stupid and that I'm just a miserable person who always wants more.

[WhiteVixen]

And so you should want more. More than his sorry arse making a dent in your sofa cushions.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

He sounds awful and your mum does, too. How dare she talk to you like that? You must do what you need to do to stay sane and happy.

This man is a rubbish example to your children; I wouldn't worry too much about them losing out. If he's physically present he's not emotionally present, is he?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

" I told her this is how I felt and I believe I would be happier single, she shot me down told me I'm different and I will never be happy and to just make the best of it for the children".

Balls to that POS advice from your mother; her opinion should be roundly ignored. I sincerely hope going forward that you re-assess your whole relationship with your mother as well as she seems keen to keep you in a one dimensional box. I think she and your H see you as a threat to their cosy existence; hence all the passive aggressive nonsense they come out with.

Indeed start putting in place steps to tell him that the marriage is now over.

[MummyCuddlesSolveEverything]

Staying together fir this children is never a good idea in my opinion. My mum stayed with my dad 'for me and my sister' she eventually left him when me and my sister were in our early 20s. We both wish she'd left when we were little. I remember realising how unhappy my mum was (and that my dad was abusive) when I was 5. Children pick up on relationships even if adults try to cover it up.