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Marriage breaking down - I don't think I will ever have children

(17 Posts)
Peron Mon 22-Jan-18 20:31:30

Hi
It seems as though me and my H are going to get a divorce. He's cheated and although I've tried to forgive, I've found it so hard. I found out there have been a couple of women in our 7 year relationship. We were trying for children. I'm 36. I feel like I'm drowning. If and when we separate I know I will need time to try to get my head around this total mess, so that leaves me approaching 40, single, without a child. I can't believe he's done this to me. It's like he's taken my whole future. Please please tell me there is someone out there who has met and had a child late in life? I feel hopeless.
X

OrangeCrush19 Mon 22-Jan-18 20:36:18

I don’t have kids - mostly because I never met anyone I trusted enough to have them with - but didn’t want to read and run. Just wanted to say that I can hear how much pain you’re in from your post, and I think you’re showing an awesome amount of courage in deciding to leave, rather than staying and having children with someone who’s not right for you. I wish you lots of luck flowers

Lottapianos Mon 22-Jan-18 20:38:54

Totally agree with Orange. Too many people stay in hideous unhappy relationships. That way madness lies

If it helps, there is a terrific Google plus community called Gateway Women for women who don't have children and who are struggling with that for various reasons. I have found them incredibly supportive

sourpatchkid Mon 22-Jan-18 20:40:14

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You're 36, it will be fine - it's not too late.

I've just had my DS at 38 (honestly we had been together ages but this leads to my next point) of my mum friends almost all of them have been with their partners less than 3 years. 3 of them are over 39 years old.

This is giving you the chance to have kids with someone better than him!

refusetobeasheep Mon 22-Jan-18 20:41:47

At 38 I accepted I would not have children. Then had one at 40 .... you never know

HappyHedgehog247 Mon 22-Jan-18 20:43:31

It's not for everyone and it's not what you plan for but there is always the option to have child with donor sperm or to adopt. Holding onto that thought gave me hope when I split.

Boxerbinky Mon 22-Jan-18 21:08:06

I finally finished a toxic relationship after a number of years at age 35 nearly 36. Met my now DH at 36, got pregnant after a year and now at 39 have a fabulous 10 month old. I had fully accepted my inevitable single life without kids.. life had other plans!

Peron Mon 22-Jan-18 21:35:01

Thanks for your replies. My head is a mess. I guess I just feel like it will take me a long time to come to terms with what my H has done, and I worry about going out there and rushing into something and that ending in disaster. ive wasted so many previous years trying to make this work.

Boxerbinky Mon 22-Jan-18 21:47:44

I totally understand the feeling of not wanting to give up after investing so many years and so much of your life. I finally realised that my ex was always going to be a liar, manipulator and absolutely selfish. I spent many years miserable and honestly was so much happier having finally taken the plunge to cut him out of my life, as hard as it was to do at the time.

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh Mon 22-Jan-18 22:17:06

I split with DH after 14 years aged 34.
Met current DP at 36.
Had first baby at 42 and second at 43, both natural conceptions.
It's not too late!

You're doing the right thing.

Thundermouse Mon 22-Jan-18 22:22:58

I'm so very sorry. I can understand why you are feeling awful. I had my baby as a solo mum, because I haven't yet won the love lottery, and I so wanted to be a parent. There are lots of brilliant women who have decided to have children as solo mums. The donor conception network is a fab place to start. Maybe save this info away for when the time is right. It might help you take back your power and your dreams.

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh Mon 22-Jan-18 22:22:59

I also felt like you when I split with DH and found it really hard to accept I'd 'wasted' 14 years investing in that relationship. Felt horrendous for about 6 months before starting to come out the other side. My next relationship was a casual one which lasted about 4 months and another year after that before I met my DP (see post above). Tbh I found it easier to move on by accepting that maybe I would meet someone else quickly but maybe I wouldn't, maybe I would have children but maybe I wouldn't. It might sound strange but by accepting I didn't know where life would take me I was able to relax a bit and just look forward to the possibilities.

Sarahjconnor Mon 22-Jan-18 22:25:35

An old school friend of mine left a ltr at 37. She met someone when she was 39, married at 40 and had her first child, now she is 43 and has 3. A woman in my post natal group had been single until she was 38 when she met her DH and was pregnant within 8 months. She has 3 boys now.

You never know what the future holds. With or without children you do deserve a chance of happiness with a partner that respects you.

KellyMarieTunstall2 Mon 22-Jan-18 22:28:33

Sorry you are going through this OP. If it gives you any hope i've just had a baby, age 44, a natural conception. You are only 36, you have time. Take care

Agerbilatemycardigan Mon 22-Jan-18 22:31:43

My sister was with someone for 14 years and they never had children. She met someone else and had her son at 42. Don't waste any more time with someone that doesn't deserve you.

Sevendown Mon 22-Jan-18 23:08:42

I don’t think it help to have a ‘it will just happen’ attitude.

If it’s sonething important to you you need to take the initiative to make it happen.

If you want a relationship to have a dc in (I say ‘if’ as this isn’t the only option and you should seriously consider other options) you need to put time effort and money into making what you want a reality.

Take up every opportunity to meet new people/socialise/go to events/take up a hobby.

There are no guarantees but you need to put the effort in to have a fighting chance given your short time frame.

feelingfree17 Tue 23-Jan-18 00:36:30

Make it happen - get rid! You do not want to be with someone who could cheat on you whilst you are pregnant whilst you are at your most vulnerable. Children are wonderful but incredibly hard work, you would need love and support. It doesn't sound like he could give this to you. You have time to re-build your life and find someone loving and caring to have a child with. Or as pp has suggested, go it alone - would be far easier than being with a shit of a man, that is lonely, believe me, I know!

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