My missus' erratic behaviour, not sure what to do.

[Lenovoschmenovo]

Hi, I'm a chap. Difficult to write this down after so long, so here are some garbled attempts.
My missus, not married, of two decades behaves extremely erratically. Can be very verbally abusive. Cannot deal with even fairly mild stress, takes offence easily. I think she suffers from anxiety/depression, comes from a highly toxic emotionally abusive family who made her and two siblings lie about the parents' relationship to outside world/grandparents, for years.
She is obsessed to distraction by work, it is the main thing in her life apart from our 8 year old boy. She's a good Mum, but never tells our boy she loves him. It's unnecessary.
Increasingly I think she is autistic to some degree.
She can be incredibly abusive and obsessive that she has been wronged. Cunt fat cunt dick bastard wanker etc etc etc. I'm not that fat ;) So many tens of times, even once after I had serious surgery she chased me down the stairs the day after, screaming abuse at me for saying she hadn't watered the plants. She always excuses her outbursts/other mistakes. It has all got much worse after her Dad died young at 61.
If we didn't have a son I would have left her long ago but it would break my sons heart, and he's a lovely boy. Even better we live outside the UK so no support network.
I'm a solvent, fairly smart, working guy, earn decent dough. I'm not an idiot. But I don't know how to make things work out. She needs some kind of help but I don't know how to get her there...

[sirlee66]

I'm sorry you're going through this. If I was in this situation, I'd leave and take your DS with you. He doesn't need to be around that behaviour. After 20 years, it doesn't seem like she will change. I understand she has issues but so will your DS if he sees this behaviour as acceptable. Best of luck.

[Justbreathing]

Yes I agree, if she's not willing to get help for her anger issues then you need to take yourself and your son out of this toxic situation.

you can't just stay and let him grow up thinking this is normal. it is not normal.

[ThamesRiver]

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

First piece of advice is that it's not really up to you to "get her there". That's her job. If she needs help, she will have to embrace helping herself and maybe getting some external help. You can support her but you can't and shouldn't aim to fix her.

Anyone can tell you that this sort of behavior is totally unacceptable and abusive. You must be steadfast and make it clear that it is not acceptable - as dispassionately as possible. Do not engage in the emotion. Do not stand for it, even if it has become normalised over time.

Can you honestly say that you don't engage with the negative emotion? Are other people aware of her behavior?

[Kinunir]

I was married to a woman who sounds somewhat similar. For years she said she would seek help. Now, 10 years plus after divorce, she still hasn't. This situation you are in is unlikely to change. Do what you have to do to keep your son safe.

[namechange2222]

Have a google at Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Then have a look at the forum on the site 'out of the fog' and also bpd family forum. I think you'd find it interesting reading and recognise a lot of the behaviours you're describing.
I would imagine it's doubtful she will accept she needs help, that will be part of her problem
Just because you didn't live with his mother anymore wouldn't mean you couldn't have a strong and loving relationship with your son, many men do. There's also no reason why you couldn't have your son to live with you the majority of the time if that would be in his best interests.
I can promise you that if your wife is as disordered as she sounds, she will only get worse

[Failingat40]

Have you actually told her how her behaviour is affecting you?

I mean, it sounds obviously abusive to us but she may not realise. Is she venting, lashing out?

Can you film her and show her when she's calm? It sounds like she's over loaded with anxiety and isn't coping.

Not an ideal environment for yourself or your son to be in though.

She needs to agree to get help and go, otherwise do the best thing you can for yourself and your son and move out - with him.

[mumofthemonsters808]

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship, you need to remove yourself and your son from this situation. Eventually she will grind you down, your mental health will decline and you will be a shadow of your former self.If your son continues to live in this toxic environment all he will remember from his childhood is his Mum verbally abusing his Dad.At his first opportunity he will remove himself from the family home.You need to give her an ultimation, she either gets some help or you leave, you can't carry on living like this.

[Huntinginthedark]

If you were a woman most people would advise you to leave with your son
And this is what I would advise
Your son is growing up learning that this is normal
It’s not

[Lenovoschmenovo]

Thanks for the advice. As I wrote this I figured people might say this, fair enough. My son rarely sees us argue by the way and he doesn't see the abuse. Although he does sometimes see his Mum behave oddly. He's a good boy, popular, funny, plays sports. I don't see it having had an impact.
Have I reacted in the past? Sometimes yes, it is hard not to. Often I just try and get out of it though. I contacted her siblings and friends to talk to her after one series of outbursts four years ago as I thought she was on the verge of losing it. I tried for days to walk away form her outbursts then, not confronting her. Things are more stable now, but its not far under the surface. I never use the language she uses to me back on her. Never called her names like that. Not once.
Its difficult to describe her obsession with work. She talks about it, complains about it a lot, and uses it as an excuse for anything she doesn't want to do I don't/didn't have time.
She suffered some serious emotional abuse as a kid, and was forced to cover for her parents. I'm not going to detail it, it's too specific so if anyone stumbled on this - unlikely I know - it would be a disaster.
Basically she covered for her parents and what they were doing at home, and she is still doing it now in some respect. Pretending what they did had no impact and blaming everything else around her. She's wasting her life carrying this with her.
I think I'm going to have to tell her to get help next time this happens.

[Lenovoschmenovo]

Sorry missed one: are other people aware of her behaviour? Yes her Mum certainly is. They had a row a few years ago when my OH let rip, full of abusive language, swearing.
But her mother is toxic. She hates responsibility so much she won't serve food at the table. Yes seriously you read that right.
The mother never tells off/disciplines her children for their bad behaviour. My missus' sister also rages like this, manic, obsessive. Son has had an alcohol problem. they all have alcohol allergies, ie: they can't drink much or they become abusive/aggressive. The mother does basically nothing. Sorts out her own life. Pretends she's some kind of hippie/goes on facebook. As you can tell, I have little time for her.

[namechange2222]

And did you have a chance to google Emotionally unstable personality disorder OP?

[SpiritedLondon]

Oh sorry OP but her behaviour is as a result of her toxic upbringing. If the abuse started from being tiny then she is not going to be able to manage her emotional outbursts and disordered thinking without major investment in some kind of therapy. You can clearly not expect her family to support you since they are all locked in their own patterns of abuse - one way or another. Parental abuse can have profound effects on the brain development of children even if it’s not physical abuse. The only way things are going to change are if she decides to do the necessary work. Can you discuss it calmly with her when she’s not agitated. I would offer to support her if she seeks help but otherwise I would leave with my child. Keeping him with her does nothing to prevent the patterns from occurring again. ( bearing in mind the fact he is doing so well to date may be from your positive parenting ). Good luck.

[Huntinginthedark]

Basically she covered for her parents and what they were doing at home, and she is still doing it now in some respect. Pretending what they did had no impact and blaming everything else around her


This is what’s going to happen to your son. He’s young now, but eventually it will happen

[Lenovoschmenovo]

Hi Namechange - am doing so now in my office, I didn't reply last night as I was at home. Don't want any mishaps with the laptop etc. I think it appears to have a lot of useful information.
SpiritedLondon - yes it is a direct result. And yes she needs therapy.
Hunting - Im not sure I entirely agree with you but this is my basic fear, that at some stage as he gets older he will see this behaviour and it will upset him and ruin his relationship with his mother. He will not have to cover for her though I will see to that.
Again to add, she is a good caring mother to him. Never uses bad language in front of him, reads with him, plays piano with him, takes him out to park/skateboarding, comes to watch him play football.
He does get a little frustrated when he gets things wrong (piano/spelling/maths) with us or loses games. But he is eight and its something we see in a lot of kids that age.

[Huntinginthedark]

I think the point that a lot of people on here are trying to say is that you can’t hide it from him forever. There will come a point when it’s very clear to him that he’s living in a toxic environment
If she can’t see that she needs serious help then you deserve to have a happy life for yourself and for your son.
It’s an impossible situation for you but as someone said to me once, you can’t save anyone else unless you put the life jacket on first

[Lenovoschmenovo]

Sure thing. I can't hide it from him forever. The advice has been very helpful.

[OurMiracle1106]

Regardless to whether or not your partners issues come from her upbringing she will not get better unless she wants help and seeks it. After 20 years I very much doubt she will.

Please leave and take your son with you. Once you’ve gone he will be left to deal with her and possibly be subjected to a toxic environment and the cycle could be repeated.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Men are abused too within some families and this is what is happening here.

Your wife is basically repeating what she knows which is abuse from her own family of origin. She will not likely seek any help and besides which it is not your job to help her. She does not want your help and or support. Did you ever think you could rescue and or save her?. No is the short answer to that question.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and just what is he learning here?.

Your son may not directly see abuse (well you would like to think so) but he certainly does know that things between you and his mother are not great at all. He sees all the unspoken stuff around you both and her antipathy to you as his father. Also sound travels.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

www.mankind.org.uk/

I would urge you to call the above organisation as they can and will help you. So actually would the Police.

You can only help yourself and your son here and that is by the both of you leaving her. You cannot rescue or save someone like your wife who does not want to be rescued and or saved.

[thethoughtfox]

He might appear outwardly fine but there will be an effect on him. Boys can be very good at masking but he may be stressed out and anxious inside. It is not healthy to keep living like this. If she won't speak to a counsellor or GP, you may need to speak to your own GP or SS for advice and support.

[MsGameandWatching]

She sounds very much like my ex, right down to the abuse after surgery. He has adult ADHD and probably a personality disorder. All rather difficult for him but I couldn't live with it and ended the marriage though it took my mental health with it for many years. You can't live like this it will destroy you. Is she abusive towards your child?

[Offred]

This is abusive and she cannot be a ‘good mum’ if she believes telling her son she loves him is unnecessary and abuses his father in this way.

You say she makes excuses re her abusive behaviour but essentially you are now too by trying to find explanations and solutions and by staying and tolerating it.

This is common when you are in an abusive relationship, I’m not judging, just trying to point it out.

No matter what may be behind her abusive behaviour the important thing to focus on is that her behaviour is abusive (to you and to your son).

You need to be focused on safeguarding yourself and your DC and stop thinking about how to fix her.

If she is ever going to be ‘fixed’ she will have to do it herself, you can’t fix her.

[Dizzybintess]

It may be that she has adhd. If she solely focusses on certain things and has erratic outbursts

[Offred]

my basic fear, that at some stage as he gets older he will see this behaviour and it will upset him and ruin his relationship with his mother

I think his relationship with his mother being ruined is not the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing that could happen is that his childhood shapes his future; he learns to accept abuse in relationships when he is an adult by watching his parents and he learns to parent his children inadequately from experiencing inadequate parenting himself.

Also children who grow up around this kind of behaviour see things you don’t think they see and it can create lifelong MH issues, increases risks of poverty, low educational achievement, low self esteem, problems with relationships and with employment.

His relationship with his mum should be poor if she is unstable, inconsistent and abusive. Unfortunately most children of parents who are like that spend decades feeling they are not good enough and they just need to try harder, be better and this will get their abusive parent to love them in the way they need rather than recognising that it is the parent who has deficiencies.

Again to add, she is a good caring mother to him. Never uses bad language in front of him, reads with him, plays piano with him, takes him out to park/skateboarding, comes to watch him play football.

What you describe is ‘stately homes’ parenting. Have you seen the ‘but we took you to stately homes!’ threads?

She does lots of things for him but does not provide for his emotional needs because she feels it is unnecessary. This is neglectful, lots of activities do not make her a good parent if she doesn’t feel his emotional needs are just as important as his education/activities.

[Lenovoschmenovo]

Hi again. And thanks again. I'm not downplaying your advice I appreciate it. Honestly she is good with our son, he's a very happy boy. She's very gentle and loving with him. It's not the major issue. But it could become so. And yes I've seen the 'stately homesthread.<br /> The main issue is her plummeting off an edge when she is unable to cope, which can be at near-any point. Which isn't helped by her having even a small amount of alcohol, a couple of glasses of wine. She constantly excuses herself (see above:i don't have timeorsorry i lost the plot) and when she messes things up, she spends more time - and makes the situation much worse - trying to absolve herself of blame. The forum out of the fog` has rung a long string of bells.
I have ended up resenting her parents greatly for what they did to her. Her sister does understand to a degree as she also has the rage, but is far more condemnatory of their father, now dead.
And yes it's repeating parental behaviour/abuse. And yes she needs therapy and yes if I can't get her to admit to this, then I will have to leave.