Long relationship over

[secondhoneymoon]

Been married for almost 30 years. Thought we were good together but apparently I am not good enough. I have my faults, sure, don't we all, but it seems too many for us to stay together He's not leaving but I am now living a lonely life in our joint home and he only speaks to me about practical things. Not asking for advice, just need to post to make it real so I can decide what to do

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

So what does he want? For you to live together in limbo? Do you have children?

[Bubba1234]

Do what bree did in desperate housewives get your date to pick you up from the house haha

[secondhoneymoon]

I don't know what he wants, he won't speak to me which is awful after years of taking about everything. Our children are young adults, both living at home

[BackInTheRoom]

@secondhoneymoon

He's 'Stonewalling'

Google '4 horsemen of the apocalypse' by John Gottman and how to remedy it. Google his credentials and books too.

[Want2beme]

What do you want to do? My 32 year relationship ended 2 years ago and even though my life hasn't drastically changed, I'm glad that I'm not with someone who doesn't want to be with me. There's no point to that. You can start to live your own life now and not have to consider a partner who has already checked out.

Would you consider seeing a counsellor to help you see your way through this? I did and it really helped me.

[secondhoneymoon]

@Bibbidee I think you are right. I'm in shock.

[secondhoneymoon]

@Want2beme not sure what I want, didn't ever expect to be on this position after so long. Am wondering if he's met someone else and criticising me just shifts the blame. We've always talked openly about everything and always had a really good relationship

[BackInTheRoom]

Yes, I know how you feel OP. Mine was a 'Runaway Husband', I was dumped after 20 years one afternoon out of the blue. I have anxiety from it still. It's shit.

[BackInTheRoom]

......Sadly, they usually do go straight to someone else.

[Want2beme]

Facing it is tough OP. You are in shock, which is awful and that's where counselling will help. It's something for you alone and it'll help to sort your head out.

[Mishappening]

Well he is being completely daft - either he wants to be married to you or not, in which case he should just shuffle off. He can't just stay there and give you the cold shoulder all day, especially as your children are at home - what the heck are they to make of it? Tell him to vacate the premises.

Sorry you are having to endure this misery after being with him so long and bringing up his children. Darned cheek!

[Maelstrop]

Get some estate agents round while your ‘d’h is home. You can’t live like this, it’s torturous and far too stressful. He’s a wanker.

[secondhoneymoon]

Thank you. Yes it's awful and cruel being ignored day in day out, and any communication is either functional or critical. You read threads on here and never think it will happen to you, especially after so long

[secondhoneymoon]

Think the estate agent idea is not a bad suggestion. Would hate to have to leave the house but best be prepared in case it comes to that - and having them round while he's home will make him realise he has some serious decisions to make

[BackInTheRoom]

@secondhoneymoon

I would seriously download John Gottman and read up on how to save this whilst he's still in the house and you have a chance to. If he bails, it might be too late.

[secondhoneymoon]

Thank you @Bibbidee , will take a look

[NoFanJoe]

It's a horrible situations to be in and, as you say, unexpected after so long.
If he's cut you off as a source of emotional support, where are his emotional needs being met?
I think you should take the initiative and let him know that he doesn't get to dictate the terms of your joint relationship. Calling in estate agents is a good idea. Also, getting together information on finances, separating out possessions.
My guess is that he's at least having an EA, but can't reconcile that with his idea of himself as being in a long term relationship.
Something's got to give though, neither of you can carry on in this way.

[Viviennemary]

This is horrible. But you need to move towards separation because you can't live like this. Do you think there's a chance of reconciliation and he's just going through 'a bad patch'. Do you both work? Could be reason like stress at work. Not that's any excuse for behaving like this when you've done nothing wrong. He can't just ignore you in your own home.

[martellandginger]

There are threads that talk about getting your ducks in order.

Check mortgage is still good, check balances in bank accounts, look at all your insurance policies, saving, shares, bonds, kids saving etc. Collect phone bills, contacts.

Start finding your way out. He doesn’t have to know what you’re doing.

[ravenmum]

Am wondering if he's met someone else and criticising me just shifts the blame.
That's what it turned out to be in my case; seems to be relatively common to start criticising your partner, as you know you shouldn't be having an affair, so have to justify it to yourself to maintain your image of yourself as a good person. If you can see yourself as the poor victim of your nasty, cold (or whatever) wife, then that "explains" why you were "forced" into someone else's arms. And it keeps her busy looking at her own supposed faults so that she does not think about yours, or why else you might be acting weirdly. It also "explains" any weird behaviour such as staying out later, not wanting sex etc.

[secondhoneymoon]

Great advice, thank you all. Will make sure I have a good view of all our finances. I know I need to have 'the chat' with him soon but in shock at the moment and need to pick my time

[hellsbellsmelons]

Do you have a mortgage?
Is it joint mortgage?
Do you have any family you could go to initially just to get away from him?
Ensure you stop doing anything for him.
No washing, cooking, cleaning, tidying, shopping, ironing, NOTHING - NADA!
As PP's have said, get 3 local estate agents round for valuations.
Get all info you that you can.
You'll need your marriage certificate for a divorce.
Get account info and asset info together.
Pension info etc....
Speak to a solicitor ASAP.
Book in with more than 1 and go with the one you feel most comfortable with.
Start doing practical things.
Ignore him.
Keep busy. Out with friends. Join a gym. Join some clubs.

[ravenmum]

Keep an eye on your bank account - if he is acting weirdly in one way, he could act weirdly in another.

[secondhoneymoon]

A very useful checklist, thanks @hellsbellsmelons. Almost all our finances are joint, apart from separate ISAs etc. Mortgage paid off thankfully, so one of us would stay in the house as the 'children' both live with us, one could move out and pay rent elsewhere, the other not in the position to at the moment.

[secondhoneymoon]

Both our families are too far away as we both work and need to stay local although I will spend more weekends visiting my Mum and other friends I think. Yes, taking every opportunity to do other things with friends. We've always shared household jobs and for now that is carrying on. I went out yesterday and when I got back he'd done the laundry and made dinner so in a practical domestic sense, things carrying on as normal.