Hi all
Regular poster but have NC'ed for this.
I'm in need of a bit of a handhold. Background is my boyfriend and I split up 10 months ago due to incompatible long-term issues. We were together for 18 months, never lived together or anything. (Reasons for split: on his side he didn't want to rule out having children but I have 2 and don't want any more. On my side: he drinks too much - it doesn't affect his behaviour, it never made him aggressive or morose or anything, but there is of course the health issue. He is a functioning alcoholic.) So, there were dealbreakers on both sides.
So, we split up very very amicably last March. The problem is that we stayed too close .... on a weekend we'd often meet for a meal together (daytime) There were lots of cheery chatty phone calls, flirty texts (mainly on his side) and the hint that maybe things would work out. He carried on helping me out with stuff - car, house etc, unprompted. Basically we maintained an emotional closeness that with hindsight we really shouldn't have done.
I did make attempts to move on ... I had the odd tinder date occasionally and even a kiss (and a bit more) with a mutual friend at one point.
Then about September time we got physical again. It didn't happen often, only every six weeks or so, and was only when drunk. Tbh I think the emotional closeness was more of a problem than the physical.
You can guess what's coming next. He has found someone else.
I am truly heartbroken and didn't envisage this. I thought, because we split up for very valid reasons, with dealbreakers on both sides, that I would be fine once one of us found someone else. He wasn't actively looking, he wasn't on dating websites or anything, they just met by chance.
The rational side of me is pleased that he has moved on, and that he's done me a favour, and that the relationship we had, although it seemed like we were boyfriend and g/friend who made a smooth trainsition to close friends, was actually unhealthy and something needed to bring it to an end.
But in my heart I'm gutted. Not sleeping, lots of crying, I am barely eating, and am massively grieving.
He said it doesn't change anything, I'm still his friend and always will be and to call on him for anything at all. I've said though that he needs space to develop this potential romance and I need space to grieve.
I just don't know what to do to help myself? Do I get angry with him? In my head I mean, not go shouting and ranting at him! I feel like he led me on to some extent. Eg. the night after he met her, he told me he had had a flirty encounter with this woman, but he assured me that was all and that it wasn't going to lead to anything. He tried to sleep with me that following day but I didn't. All that afternoon and evening he sent me flirty/romantic/I love you texts and the following day too. Then, the day after that she friend requested him on fb and that was that.
I should add that the same night he met her, i'd gone on a tinder date. Nice guy but no spark. And I honestly don't think that was due to me being hung up on ex-bf. I'm trying to say here that it could have easily been the other way round! What if my date had gone well and he hadn't met her?! I think he would have been very civilised about things. But I also think that him trying to sleep with me and bomarding me with texts that weekend was about him trying to ensure I sacked off the tinder date.
Please help me. I feel truly heartbroken. Go easy on me I know I'm being a bit daft. I'm in my 40s ffs and he was just a bf, and not even a live in one. But I am really really hurting.
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how to move on from ex boyfriend
ThePartingLass · 18/01/2018 14:54
Thanks for responding Tenshidarkangel and being so kind.
I can go more-or-less no contact but not quite. First thing is he is my baccy supplier 
. He gets it much cheaper than the shops. I know the obvious answer to that is to quit smoking and I do intend to, but at the moment I am practically chainsmoking due to being distraught. That can be done without seeing him though, I could text for a biggish order that would last me say a month and ask him to leave it in his outbuilding so I can pick it up while he's at work.
It's not the kind of thing you can put a wanted ad on the local fb page 
but I will keep my ears to the ground in case there's anyone else I can get it from locally.
The other thing is he is my mechanic. And I am supposed to be buying his own car. I am panicking a bit because my car mot expires in early march, it is a banger and it definitely won't pass without significant work. Which he would have done, and probably still would if I asked him. But I'd rather not ask him unless I absolutely have to. But if I take it to another garage, the amount of work to be one would be unviable for the value/age of the car. So that's a problem.
Maybe I'll feel better about things mid-Feb but at the moment I am dreading the thought of contact with him.
Hopefully he'll be able to sell me his car before my mot expires. He is waiting on a specific other car though, and the person selling to him can't be rushed.
I guess if there's no movement there I'll text mid February ish and ask for his help with the car situation.
I just feel so sad and lonely. I've been divorced 8 years. Everyone else seems to seperate and in no time move on and be living with / remarried within 2 or 3 years. My work is quite isolating and I'm very rural so it's very difficult to meet new people. I very rarely meet or attract attention locally. With tinder dates I've never had an awful experience, I've met various nice enough guys but very rarely feel a spark. It's so hard to feel positive right now about the future.
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Thank you all so much for your support and advise. Am in tears.
OK so you seem unanimous about the baccy. Despite the price difference on it I should just get it from a shop so that's what I'll do.
The car - originally he said New Year, but now it's vaguer. He wasn't looking to get rid of his own but has the possibility of buying one he really likes - but can't rush the owner to sell it. I have first refusal on getting his car, and there is a lot of interest. At £1000 it is a bargain. I think I will 'park' this issue in my mind until mid Feb (if new car hasn't materialized by then) and then think about what to do.
I do agree about no contact, kind of hence my new nn - I quite like it! Love the original Tom Clancy song it's based on as well.
I have a Tinder date this coming Saturday. And unuasally I've enjoyed the texting this week. Normally I find it a bit of a chore. The guy seems interesting and a bit intreguing. So ... who knows? I do feel the best way to get over ex-bf is to find someone else.
Can I ask about other strategies on how to get over ex-bf? I find myself fantasizing that in a few weeks they split and he contacts me and tries to rekindle things. In my fantasies I tell him to go and do one. Is that healthy/normal though? Or should I force myself to assume this will be a successful relationship and that's that? I know I should avoid thinking about him at all but I can't.
Also can I ask about what music to listen to. It's so hard to find stuff that avoids conventional love songs, or songs of pain and heartbreak. I love Beans on Toast but he introduced me to them, so that's a trigger and I can't listen to them atm. Likewise Kaiser Chiefs - I wanted to listen to them as they're quite kick-ass, but we saw them live on his bday so agian that's triggering. Any ideas anyone?
Another thing I dont' know what to do about is what to tell people. So far I've only told 2 people the full situation including my heartbreak. Others I've just given a breezy 'x has got a new romance so I'm giving him space to develop it'. But if I defriend him on fb and stop using him as a mechanic etc, people will realise I am affected. Maybe that bothers me more than it should.
He only lives 5 mins away in nearby market town. Do I avoid socializing there altogether. My orgininal plan was that if I was planning on going there with mates, to text him to make sure he wouldn't be out, and if so not to go. But .... that's not no contact if I text him. So do I avoid local town socializing altogether? I guess there's no alternative 
Thank you again for your help
Current car is worth less than £300 so is scrap really. It needs a new passenger door as it's so rusted. He was going to get one from a scapyard and fit it, if his car wasn't available by then. He said he will still do that.
SpringIsComing yes you're probably right about usual haunts. I would enjoy the evening if I knew he wouldn't be there which was why i was going to text and check (we discussed this in farewell meeting). But yes I shall avoid.
NottheFordType thanks for the music recommendations.
In farewell meeting he started listing a number of reasons new romance may fail quickly. I cut him off and said I don't want to know any detail about anything. I need to assume it's going to work. Even if it doesn't it still needs to be no contact, I know that.
I will go now as new Tinder man has texted 
. I so hope I like him when I meet him.
This is day 3 of no contact. Gulp.
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