Scared don't understand why, I'm overreacting probably

[cherriXOXO]

I can't stop shaking, it's ridiculous as I rarely feel quite this bad even though I do have anxiety.

My partner is drunk, he rarely drinks (once or twice a year) and is acting so obnoxious and rude. We don't have a good relationship especially lately, theres a huge back story but too much to write I'm sorry. But it's bad basically.

He's never been physical to me. He is rude and insulting about people on TV - men and women, about their looks and weight. He'll happily call a woman a THOT. He always always says its a joke and I need to lighten up.

My 15 year old won't leave with me and I am NOT going without him. Tonight partner has made fun of DS music tastes, he told him he never really liked this song our boy loved as a young child and he laughed it off but it broke my soul.

Then a weird thing just now, he was talking about how bad it is to hit a woman, which i great, but then said giving a slap to a man isn't so bad., He said let me do it on you to DS, show you the difference between a punch and slap. He said I won't ever punch you but I'll give you a light slap. DS hid his face and said no, I shouted to leave him alone, I started crying, it was instinctive I couldnt help it. My partner laughed and said "Ah look you mum is crying!!!" with a smile on his face.

When he left the room I said to my son let's go, we can leave now even for one night but he said no way and that dad was just joking, it was play fighting and no big deal and that he found it funny.

So yes, I have probably overreated. I just phoned my partners mum, she just said oh he's drunk ignore him and go to bed, and that he just gets like that when drunk, I should know by now and laugh it off.

Sorry about my grammar, it's usually so much better. What is wrong with me? Why am I shaking and have so much adrenaline in me? feel like I need to run, my legs feel so weird :( like they are buzzing and I need to move. And i feel sick.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Nothing wrong with you and a lot wrong with him. You need a very serious talk when he is sober, completely unacceptable behaviour towards your ds and general disgusting twattishness is not ok.

[laudanum]

You are NOT overreacting, he is terrorising you and if this has been happening long term, you need to get you and your child out. If my mother was shaking and crying, I'd want to leave with her.

This behaviour is abusive as fuck, and if your teen won't leave with you, then your husband needs to GTFO.

[cherriXOXO]

Thank you - it helps so much to hear that it's possibly not me being a drama queen. I just read back over my OP and the spelling is horrendous too so apologies for that. I will try to talk to him when he's sober but even then he's very arrogant and never ever thinks he's wrong :(

[cherriXOXO]

laudanum I know :( please don't judge me although I judge myself every second of every day. Hes never laid a finger on either of us and is usually just nasty to me, never to DS. Going to try to leave asap, I've got women's aid number ready to ring tomorrow and will call police if he gets worse.

[OnTheRise]

Of course you judge yourself. He's trained you to do it.

Don't tell him you're leaving. Don't tell your son you're leaving either: just get everything ready then get the two of you out safely and tell them both after the fact.

Keep safe, cherri. This is a dangerous time for you.

[laudanum]

Cherri

I'm glad you're planning on leaving. Maybe he doesn't hit you, but believe me, that Psychological abuse is just as damaging, and it can escalate into physical violence at any given moment. You and your child deserve a life without an abusive environment. It can be so hard to leave these situations, I know. Have a read of this when you can.

[Tumbleweeds24]

I think it says so much about your strength of character that you're so determined to get away from him. The majority of people who are in abusive relationships cannot (at least for a very long time and not before repeated physical assaults) fathom leaving.

I wish you and your son the best of luck in getting away. Nobody deserves to put up with such utter shit treatment from the people who are supposed to love them the most

[cherriXOXO]

Hi I didn't realise I'd had more replies on this, thank you so much

laudanum I'm going to read that now thank you.

It's not going well, I haven't had a minute alone to call Women's Aid and I can't dial their number from my mobile so need to use the landline, as soon as I get chance I will or will do it from my mums.

I tried again this afternoon to leave, I told my son we deserve better than this which I know isn't a good idea but I was desperate, he screamed at me "I'm not going anywhere and leaving my home" which I totally understand, he has his own issues and hates being away from home and his comforts.

New day tomorrow, will try to take small steps. Also, for a long time I was that person who couldn't imagine leaving, but it's been a very long 14 years of unhappiness now and I'm starting to hate the person I've become. I'm cynical, bitter and just want it to stop.

Thanks again for support x

[laudanum]

How are you doing Cherri?

[cherriXOXO]

Hi Laudanum, thanks for asking. Things haven't been too great, I still haven't had a moment alone to speak to WA but will be able to tomorrow thankfully. It's just not a good situation :/ this is going to sound ridiculous but do you think he's definitely abusive? As I don't feel justified saying that, he is horrified everytime I've mentioned it in the past and his family think it's laughable and say he's misunderstood and depressed and needs help.

If you do think he's abusive, can you point out to me what particularly it is? As I feel so dramatic saying it.

[LuxuryWoman2017]

You know, 14 years of you being unhappy is a plenty good reason to leave.
He does sound abusive but it doesn't really matter, if you are so unhappy, you can leave a relationship with any or no reason. Not wanting it anymore is enough.

I'm not sure how you persuade your son to leave with you though, very difficult and I wish you well.

[caringdenise009]

Cherri, the example you gave in your OP where his threat of violence to your son made him cry, and he sneered when you cried is abusive. A normal person would have been mortified if their"joke" led to someone crying.

With regards to your son- children are selfish(they are meant to be,it isn't a criticism). He will hate the idea of change, because children see things in terms of how it affects their life, and also can blame themselves when things go wrong. You have to be the strong adult here. Make your decision and then tell him what's going to happen. If you can arrange things so that you can tell him he will go to the same school, keep his friends and routine just that your partner will not be living with you, he will feel more secure. Your son isn't your partner in this ,you need to be the one in charge that he can rely on. It's so hard, but it's so worth the enormous effort and it will improve his life and yours.

Ask for help. Your GP, social services,women's aid, this board, your friends and family. Ignore his,they created him that's why they think his behaviour is normal. It isn't.