Making the decision to leave

[smithssquarecrisps]

I have been married for the second time for two years. I have a son from my first marriage. My son is 13 years old and has been struggling for the past two years with depression. He is also being assessed for ADHD as the GP thinks that he has many of the signs of this.

My marriage is not great at the moment. He falls asleep on the sofa every night. He is constantly farting and burping and keeps clearing his throat really loudly, to the point that it makes me jump each time he does it. He is doing this on purpose because he says things like "I don't know if you noticed but I've got a bit of a cough". He also farts as soon as he gets into bed. This happens every night and they stink.

He pulls faces at me behind my back and I have caught him doing this no end of times. He also sticks two fingers up at me when he thinks I'm not looking.

There is obviously more, which I won't bore you with but basically I can't carry on like this. I have found a tiny flat which would be suitable for me and my son.

But I am really worried about the moving out part. I am dreading telling him and have considered not telling him that I'm going, because of his reaction, which I'm worried about. There is also the practical side of moving house and I keep thinking of all of the things that I can't do on my own. I don't have anyone to help me with things like dismantling wardrobes etc.

I just need some independent advice as to whether I'm doing the right thing in leaving him. I can't talk to him, he just gets defensive and calls me names, so there is no use in trying to have a discussion about how things are. I also get the feeling that if he knows I don't like something then he does it all the more, just to upset me.

I want to do the right thing by my son and for me but I am worried about managing on my own again. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

[jpl888]

I'm in a pretty similar situation to you, and I'm planning to go next May/June.

I definitely won't be telling her because she will not react well, and will likely try to get the authorities involved in some way.

If you are that worried about leaving, I would not worry about the wardrobes and such until after you've gone. Just go, and then maybe try to arrange a family member to go around and dismantle/move them, or just cut your losses on the stuff you can't take (as I plan to).

If it helps at all, I'm scared even now, too.

Can't really say much more without you telling us what some of the other stuff is - not enough context.

[smithssquarecrisps]

Thanks. The other stuff is not violence or anything really bad but he's very grumpy and doesn't seem to like anyone, least of all my friends.

If I ask him more or less any question about his day, his life, his sleep patterns etc then the answer is that his whole life is shit. He barely speaks to me during the week and creates an atmosphere and then wants to chat at the weekends. I just feel more and more remote from him.

[jpl888]

Well, not wanting to socialise isn't that unusual, but he does sound like a bit of an unhappy chappy.

It sounds to me like he feels under a lot of pressure and it's making him unhappy. Unfortunately, when you're feeling the "pinch" you don't really want to talk or answer questions. Is he bringing his work home a lot?

At least he wants to talk to you at the weekends, which is something, but I understand that must make you feel like a push-me pull-you.

[jpl888]

Getting back on track to your original post - unfortunately, making a major change like that is usually scary. You just have to make a start and get through it. If the relationship is dead you're definitely going to make things better in the long run, with some short-term pain.

FWIW, I'm only waiting until the lease on the house is up, as I will be liable for the rent if I leave early. Definitely won't be doing a relationship again, for a while. :P

[Bobbins43]

I think just go. Make a decision, pick a date and just go. Take what you can. You can always get new furniture or different furniture or come back for it.