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I'm pathetic to still be putting up with this shit, please help.

(26 Posts)
Cottonheadedninnnymuggins Tue 05-Dec-17 06:30:14

I posted about my husband a few months ago, basically he fucked our lives up by investing everything we had in a business which gave no return, I supported him through 8 years at uni, gave up my life so he could qualify in his chosen profession. We have three children. He was constantly on my back wanting sex, telling me he would make alternative arrangements if I didn't give him more, he wanted me to wear make up all the time because when I go out I am his representative and if I look like shit it reflects badly on him.

So I decided I had to leave but financially it was not viable because of the debts we incurred buying into his old business. Anyway, I have managed to get more content writing work and opened an Etsy shop to sell the jewellery I make in my bid to escape. I even gave did the sex thing, but obviously not enough as again at 4am he got up and started ranting about his shit life, how he works hard and doesn't get rewarded when he gets home. He hasn't fancied me for years because I don't wear make up enough, no woman leaves the house without lipstick on. The next time a woman comes on to him he's going to take the opportunity. I am wracked with anxiety, I can't afford to leave but how the fuck can I stay?

I am constantly on edge, I'm scared of him. I can't live like this anymore, but I am stuck. I can't eat, I don't really sleep, the pressure is constant, he set up a new business six months ago and he wants me to earn more so he doesn't have to work as hard. I can't do this any more. My life is shit, he doesn't care about our standard of living, as long as he is ok. My oven is broken, my washing machine is broken, I am broken, everything is so hard, but his primary concern is my lack of lipstick. I cannot go on, I don't know what I'm hoping to from posting, I think I need a hand hold and maybe a kick up the arse.

StealthPolarBear Tue 05-Dec-17 06:32:31

Fuck he's awful. Do you have any real life practical support? Parents, close friends?
I don't think I'm being ott in suggesting women's aid.

gingergenius Tue 05-Dec-17 06:35:41

Sounds utterly desperate OP. No wise words but here's a hand to hold in the meantime just so you don't feel all on your own. 👋🏻

user1497997754 Tue 05-Dec-17 06:39:29

Jesus that's so bad..speak to your parents or close you own your own home....have you got any need to make a plan to get out of this abusive and soul destroying relationship

Bananamanfan Tue 05-Dec-17 06:45:49

Please leave, op. Can we help you with practicalities? Are the debts in joint names? Are there any assets? If the debt is crippling contact step change to see if they can help.
He is abusive; waking you up at 4am to berate you is appalling, please leave the wanker.

category12 Tue 05-Dec-17 06:49:02

He's an abusive fuckwit. Try women's aid.

NewView Tue 05-Dec-17 06:53:44

Sorry you’re having such a horrible time. You need to leave. Even with debts your life could only be better without him. How old are your children?
Have you seen a lawyer for some advice? From what you say it doesn’t sound like you are going to be able to work out the debt while you’re with him, because he is clearly not good with money. So while it’s a horrible thought to start again with nothing, is the money situation really likely to improve overtime or will you just be older, with less time to make a go of things on your own?
It might be worth seeing your GP about the anxiety too. If you can get some help with that it might help you see a way through the rest of it.

IDismyname Tue 05-Dec-17 06:59:56

I remember you posting a while back, and I was shock at what I read. I'm so sorry that you're still in this mess.

Get yourself to the CAB, and then onto a solicitor. ASAP.

Knowledge is power.

And once you have the knowledge, you'll have a clearer idea as to how to get yourself out of this mess.

You must be exhausted. But just keep going, and come back to 'see' us.

smartiecake Tue 05-Dec-17 07:06:16

You know you have to leave OP. Sounds totally awful you cannot live like that. You just need help to find a way to leave.
Do you have a mortgage? Do you have family that will support you emotionally?

BackInTheRoom Tue 05-Dec-17 07:16:32

He's an emotional terrorist! He woke up at 4am and terrorised you. He's a WEIRDO! Tbh, he sounds like a Narcissist?

Cambionome Tue 05-Dec-17 07:52:11

See a solicitor(find one that will give you a free half hour - a lot of them do).

When you've done that you will have a bit more idea of what your options are. He sounds absolutely awful - you must and can get away from this.

Remember that the first step is the hardest. As soon as you make a start on seriously trying to get away things will get clearer and new possibilities will open up for you.

Good luck and keep posting. flowers

RainyApril Tue 05-Dec-17 08:01:42

You need proper advice as well as emotional support.

I have no experience of Women's Aid but people speak so highly of that organisation, what have you got to lose by calling them today?

Go online and do a benefits calculation to see what you might be entitled to claim as a single parent.

Find a solicitor that will give you half an hour of advice.

Once you have a better idea of what your life will look like after separation, you will feel so much stronger.

Cottonheadedninnnymuggins Tue 05-Dec-17 09:04:47

I'm quite alone really my Mum is no help, my best friend recently had a mastectomy so there's no way I can bother her, she needs the smiley, funny me not the pathetic, angst ridden me. My great support was my brother who moved to Spain in September and my son who started uni a couple of days after my brother left, but I don't have that now.

I've spoken to him and did what I always do which is try and pacify him, I've told him I'll try harder...I'm pathetic.

DownTownAbbey Tue 05-Dec-17 09:55:03

Your DS isn't a child so that actually makes things a bit easier. Can you go and stay with your brother in Spain for a bit? You need distance and perspective, quickly followed by practical advice from Women's Aid and a solicitor.

Surely you'd be better off in a room in a shared house than putting up with this shit in your own home?

Bananamanfan Tue 05-Dec-17 09:58:03

I think you should make plans to leave. Confide in your brother and friend, you don't have expect anything from them, but talking will help you. When you say your mum is not much help do you mean that she thinks 'that's just what men are like' and 'you have to make the best of it' etc?

When you have your own life and home, whether that is your current home or a new one, your son will still be your son and your brother will still be your brother. See a solicitor; your husband cannot force you stay married or keep all of the marital assets for himself.

Talith Tue 05-Dec-17 10:01:12

He's a grade A bastard. Plan your exit and get out. You deserve happiness not this abuse.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 05-Dec-17 10:20:27

No,you are not pathetic, any one would find it hard if they had been treated as badly as you have for as long.

You are not stuck, you are obviously capable of supporting yourself financially, bright and creative if you sell stuff on easy. You just need some help moving forward.

Please try women's aid or CAB. Write a list of basic information, eg assets, income, children's details to help you.

You can do this!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 05-Dec-17 11:27:11

Your husband is dominating and regulating you. Please contact Women's Aid.
Controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship is an offence. You may fear you won't be believed or he is untouchable.
Domestic abuse crosses all social boundaries. It often goes hand in hand with financial abuse. Women's Aid know this.

The daily pinpricks of always being in the wrong (according to him) really wear you down. But you are fed up with being fed up.

Standing up to him must feel daunting, but you are so unhappy, you have to try. Placating him now is not weak or pathetic - you have to be cautious and not give him reason to suspect you are planning an exit strategy.

Don't let him make you feel isolated. Your DB may be in Spain but you are still in touch aren't you?
Your children must know by now he is a bully. Don't believe anything he tells you regarding their loyalty or trust.
Ill as she has been, your best friend probably knows your situation. You don't have to pretend to those closest to you.

FredericaFreiheit Tue 05-Dec-17 11:45:07

OP - you are feeling hopeless because your scummy DH has made you feel that way. There is a way out and there is a better future for you. You have to decide that you are important enough to take it and that you deserve better than this. Only you can make that decision.

I noticed this
my best friend recently had a mastectomy so there's no way I can bother her, she needs the smiley, funny me not the pathetic, angst ridden me.

I think your view of relationships is a bit skewed. If she truly is a best friend she will want to support you and will probably be really pissed off to find out you've been lying to her. Of course that doesn't mean you should be crying on her 24/7 but an honest exchange of feelings is what makes friendships real - and support goes 2 ways - most people want it like that. You are NOT pathetic and angst ridden. You are worn-down and desperate. Perfectly acceptable responses to the life you are living.

Please follow the advice on here - go to CAB / and or your GP / talk to women's aid.

Huskylover1 Tue 05-Dec-17 12:53:04

Why can't you separate? It's clearly the only way forward.

Hurleygirl123 Tue 05-Dec-17 19:18:29

You are not pathetic, you are tough to have lasted this long without murdering the wanker.
He on the other hand is utterly pathetic and a waste of good oxygen. U have to believe u can leave, u do not have to accept this abuse, it is not good enough for you or your dc.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 05-Dec-17 19:26:59

What will you have to do in order to leave? You've been thinking about it a lot right? So what have you considered doing to get away?

beesandknees Tue 05-Dec-17 19:28:38

My dear, you must go to a solicitor and understand the facts of what you need to do/what to expect.

NO debt is worth staying in this situation. This level of stress can kill a person, easily. Your children need you. You MUST take control, get the facts from a solicitor/CAB, and begin making a plan of action. Tell your best friend about the plan, and let her know you might phone her for a cry. That's all you need to do, you do need to loop her in though, this is life and death for you as well! You will give yourself a heart attack if you don't address what is happening.

I know you feel awful
But please, you must must must put the emotions aside and start taking action for yourself. For your future. You will not find a way out until you put action first.

You can come back to the emotions later. Now is not the time.

outabout Tue 05-Dec-17 19:33:57

Many great suggestions by PP and I think Frederica has a point that although your friend has problems, they are not the same as yours so you can bounce ideas off each other and support each other.
Presumably as a best friend she has known you a fair time and can probably see things you can't at the present in your position.

strivingforjustice Tue 05-Dec-17 21:28:05

Hey troubled lady.... you are the first post I have messaged on here in the few years I have been a member... but I feel so much for you because your post is I feel hiding a far greater pain inside you and you need help as soon as possible... please can I offer you some sage advice...

After my own harrowing experience , also mother of one son who is now also at uni and another who is 5 .... my journey to freedom began 3 years ago at the not so tender age of 47.... I lost absolutely everything I had ever worked for including my home... BUT I would rather have walked the path of broken glass, with 7 court hearings and 15 house moves in 2 years behind me.... Because I am now free... abuse when it does not involve violence is insidious... when some violence creeps in as it may well do , it is no worse than the total lack of confidence and feeling of utter helplessness you have now.... you have made yourself numb to cope in an intolerable situation.... but you can cope alone, there is much support out there.... it is very hard to self categorise domestic abuse as you are constantly questioning yourself and modifying your behaviour to act as sooth sayer.... your husband is a callous , disrespectful, selfish bastard, manipulative and probably incapable of change.... he sounds like he has a personality disorder... but whatever his disorder is NOT your problem and you are not the cause...
Firstly women’s aid is an amazing organisation but my relief came when I finally admitted to myself I had been in a highly abusive relationship... Please take things slowly, plan in your mind and start seeking support from the nearest domestic violence centre to you. In my area it is the rising sun... once you have taken the brave step to go and see them you will be offered free initial advice from domestic abuse case workers you can talk to confidentially, get free advice from the solicitors who offfer their time free for these organisations....
I had already left when I walked through the door and engaged a solicitor....bad move... before you go anywhere , leave or do anything please seek this type of help, non judgemental impartial confidential advice, counselling , financial advice , so much more than family or friends.... they are an amazing resource and a will feel supported , get advice regarding your children and that will help you to begin your journey to freedom, to regaining your sense of self esteem and build your confidence bit by bit... verbal abuse of this kind is the worst because it is so subtle it completely messes with your mind... unlike bruises it does not heal, as the words and phrases stick like glue in your head.... but hold your head up and walk forward... we are all masters of our own destiny and you can go it alone...a whole new life awaits you I promise you.... it just takes a while to get there , take it day by day , look in the the mirror remember who you were before he chipped away at you and know you will be that person again and above have peace and be happy... your children deserve it too.... wishing you the best of luck , please take the first steps....

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