How do you get over ex 10 years on ...

[ladyofassumption]

Hi all,

That simple really, how do you cope when you can't move on from someone.

We had a child together, it didn't work. But I still seem to struggle while his life gets better and better.

Anyone experienced this and what did you do to shake the feeling?

Thanks

[cakecakecheese]

Well the best way to move on from someone is to cut them completely out of your life but obviously you have a child so that's presumably not been possible. You need to stop thinking about what's going on in his life and focus on yourself. Have you had any councelling? As I think talking it through with someone qualified might help you work out why exactly you're still struggling with this.

[ladyofassumption]

I can't afford counciling, don't have NHS here. I see him all the time and it really grates on me, especially hearing DC singing his praises all the time ....

[Worriedrose]

It seems your more hung up on his moving forward and his life now?
What about your life and your goals and ambitions. You need to start putting yourself first and not comparing your life to his life.

Can you edge away from the amount of contact you have with him.
This cycle is keeping you stuck. This is not about his it's about you.

Are there some charities that offer counselling, or try some online resources that can help you build your own self esteem.

[Worriedrose]

*him

[ladyofassumption]

I think it's more the lifestyle that I crave, I see what he has and wish that was me. I've tried to make something of myself. But I don't really have any qualifications, I seem to flit from one part time job to the next. I've had a couple of partners but neither have worked out. My DC is fast approaching teen years and I fear they will choose to live with him as he has so much more to offer ...... I tried some charity therapy, but found it opened too many wounds. Joined a church to get support and meet new people, but couldn't commit to ever Sunday so felt bad .....

[Shoxfordian]

By lifestyle do you mean money? Are you jealous of his success?

[Worriedrose]

I can understand. But feeling envy towards someone else's lifestyle hurt no one but you.

The problem with therapy is it is hard work. And does open wounds, and it does take time. But I think it's worth persevering with.

Is he paying the right amount of money to you?
Can you try and do a course, evening uni course or something. To give yourself a boost and something to work towards. Many people start new careers later in life. I've know people to come from nothing and finally find something they really want to do in their 40s -50s
You really badly need to not give up on yourself.
And your dc is a preteen. They don't really understand. So try not to make that personal. One day they will realise the sacrifices you made for them. But only you can make yourself happy and cared for and fulfilled.
Just try and make one small goal and stick to it, and then you might find everything else easier.

And I'm not trying to sound patronising, it's fucking hard when others around you seem to have achieved more. Especially if you thought you were going to end up with them. I have seriously struggled with it.

[Cricrichan]

What he is or does has no effect on your life.

If you're unhappy in your job then think about what you'd really like to do and train for it. If you want more friends or the chance to meet a partner then join clubs or sports to get you socialising more, whilst you have fun.

[ladyofassumption]

He pays more than the right amount, even paid the deposit on my new rental when I was in the shit. I think that's what annoys me, if he was cruel I could bitch about him but him and his wife are great. More than kind and generous. I meet guys, but no one seems to compare ...

[ladyofassumption]

I'm the wrong side of 40, I used to be great fun and keen to meet people. But now I'm just exhausted and frustrated. His life looks easy .... mine is a daily struggle. Even with the support I get, I can't make it work.

[TheNaze73]

Most people that earn decent money have to work for it. Outwardly he may appear all Mr. Cool Beans but, you never know what stresses & worries, successful high earners carry with them.
The grass isn’t always greener, I’m sure there’s part of your lifestyle he’d love too.
Good luck

[Justbreathing]

i think you need to work on the positives in your life. it's so easy to get bogged down by what other people have achieved, but it can make you feel worthless and stuck. and then it becomes a vicious cycle.

[ladyofassumption]

73 perhaps but I just can't see it, he is based from home or travels internationally. Seems so glamorous ! His wife sometimes goes with him ... I can't see him being jealous of me living pay check to pay check ....
Just I just feel there are few positives.... another failed relationship behind me, dead end job. The one positive I used to have was that, I'm ashamed to say was control over my DC. He used to alway prefer to spend time with me rather than his dad's. I sometimes couldn't bare my DC for spend time with him because of the jealously. My ex made countless offers of holiday and every time I would make up some excuse as to why DC couldn't go .... it's too far away, time spent apart too long, he'd miss me too much, too dangerous ..... but now he's older that upper hand is slipping away and he can make his own decisions. I can't offer him experiences like that. I just wish all those years ago I'd tried harder to make it work.

[Worriedrose]

you cannot change the past. you cannot cling onto your DC
you HAVE to make positive changes or it will get worse and worse.
you are investing all of your emotional energy in someone elses life. they arent doing the same back I can promise you.
you will be the only one that loses unless you get your shit together. allow yourself only 30 mins a day to feel like this, then think of something positive. ANYTHING that isnt connected to him.

and get yourself back to therapy ASAP. I don't care how much it costs, sell something. eat lentils only for the next 6 months. many therapists will do reduced rates. I got my down to 30 because I couldnt afford more. but this is the rest of your life, invest in it
you cannot live in regret. the past is done. you cannot wish you had done it differently. it will fuck you up forever.

[ladyofassumption]

I used to think that if his DC wouldn't want to go and see him then maybe he would leave his then GF, now wife and give it another go. I know I know !! I'm having such a pity party ..... I think it's the time of year ! Why are men such a cliche, traded me in for a younger model (10 years my junior) ... all I've done is get grey and fat.

[Worriedrose]

oh lady. that's shit.
I am sorry. but really you have to do something about it. you HAVE to.
vivacity and friendliness and warmth is attractive and it's nothing to do with weight or hair. nothing at all. if it were only slim blondes would ever have a loving relationship and that just aint the truth.
you have to decide to start to like yourself. it's so hard when you have so many negative thoughts, but its a concious decision you have to make to start to work through it all

[ladyofassumption]

I just don't know where to start ..... any advice ?

[Justbreathing]

start therapy.
make a list of things you like doing maybe? and then look for some courses you are interested in? online?

[Isetan]

Wow, You stopped your DC going away because of your jealousy. In the nicest possible way you need to get over yourself. It doesn't sound like you miss him but instead, the status and lifestyle that being with him afforded you. I'm guessing that your post Ex relationship dynamics, had a significant element of you being looked after.

You've tried and failed to control your Ex by means of withholding holiday consent for your children and that is a shitty, shitty thing to do.

You can move forward but first you need to accept that not moving forward is a choice and that there is a pay off for you staying stuck. The trick is finding out what motivates you staying stuck, fear of failure, laziness, a combination of the two or something entirely different. I don't know where the motivation comes from but there is one and you owe it to your future relationship with your children to find out why.

[user1495451339]

He is a cheat for one thing so not perfect and could easily do the same to his current partner.

Personally, I think you need to put your child first and encourage any experiences he can have with your ex. In the time he is away (and in the coming years when your son will be more independent) you need to work on yourself, ie take up hobbies, meet friends, do a course in something that interests you or could lead to a new career etc.

Make the most of what you have. If you are feeling grey and fat do something about it. Life is happening now while you are moaning about him. You don't want to look back in 10 years and regret.

[MoosicalDaisy]

Start thinking about the things you really want different in your life. Pull your finger out and make it happen. Make a list and pin it on your bedroom wall. Set yourself targets. You need to let go of him and just see him as your DC's dad. If your DC wants to go on holiday with him, let him, it's great life experience.

You said you're stuck in a dead end job. You've grown fat and you have grey hair. You're exhausted, probably because you're dwelling and down.

Go get a snazzy haircut and dye.
Start looking for full time jobs with a company that can offer training/qualifications. Or get a qualification off your own back.
Look for an active new passion and get fit. Throw yourself in it.

[Worriedrose]

It's horrific if someone has left you for someone else. But only you can make a fulfilling life for yourself. One day your dc won't be there. Start thinking to the future for yourself
Resentment only hurts you.